Coffee care: What if Starbucks were run like your university hospital?

Howard Schultz stepped down as executive chairman of Starbucks. The Starbucks board will be looking for a mega-sick care rock star to take the helm. Now he is back.

Mr. Schultz, 68 years old, will?need to please shareholders?while also trying to win over Starbucks employees—and those the chain still aims to hire. In April, Mr. Schultz?will return for his third stint?running Starbucks, taking on an interim chief executive role after the chain this week said current CEO?Kevin Johnson?would retire?after five years atop the company. Part of Mr. Schultz’s focus, he told employees this week, is establishing a new tone with the roughly 230,000 workers staffing its U.S. cafes.

The moves are part of a broader effort to revamp the company, as outlined in a letter from Schultz.

"We need to reinvent Starbucks for the future," he wrote, noting that the company must "radically" improve employee experiences. He added that based on feedback from employees, the company will strive to create "safety, welcoming and kindness for our stores."

Making a Starbucks iced caramel macchiato takes a barista eight steps from start to finish. Multiply that times 1,500 (the number of drinks Starbucks locations average daily) and that gets tedious in a jiffy. Pair this number with the fact that Starbucks says one in four U.S. baristas are ditching their positions within three months, up from one in 10, and the coffee chain has a venti problem on its hands. Howard Schultz, who went from former CEO to interim CEO earlier this year, tells The Wall Street Journal a "fix" is needed and says the chain is already taking steps to "overhaul operations to improve the experience for both employees and customers."

Schultz was back until he wasn't.

Starbucks' new CEO Brian Niccol has called for major changes to get the company back on track in some of its biggest markets, vowing to review its "overly complex menu," staffing and store amenities. The comments came as the struggling coffee giant suspended its guidance for its fiscal year 2025 and said same-store sales declined for the third quarter in a row, in a surprise announcement. Full results are scheduled for Oct. 30. Niccol also pledged more support for baristas; many are complaining about "chronic understaffing and poor pay and benefits," and a lack of recourse for aggressive customers, per Reuters.

But then, what would Starbucks look like if it were run by a sick care big?double espresso?shot?

1. You would have to wait 2 hours to pick up your order

2. You would have to get prior authorization for any ingredients not included as a covered benefit.

3. You would be served, more and more, by a barista assistant, unless they requested a consult from the barista in charge.

4. The website would give you information using terms you can't understand

5. Forget about parking. That's your problem

6. We won't be telling you about all the adverse medical effects of caffeine.

7. With thousands of coffee drink combinations, we certainly won't be sharing your menu preferences with other Starbucks

8. Unfortunately, your Starbucks card information is not secure and is unlikely to be in the near future.

9. It is un-Amercian that most of the 99% can't afford us. So, we will be lobbying to create a fund that taxes those that can so others can enjoy their cappuccinos just like all the rest.

10. We will no longer post prices. Instead, it will come as a big surprise at the cash register and it will be your responsibility to figure out how to pay for it. If you are interested, we would be happy to have you talk to our Coffee Insurance representative who can advise you about payment options.

11. They would replace doctors with physician extenders and robots

12. Will charge an outrageous amount of money for our products and services.

13. Your coffee will be served by robots instead of humans

14. Prices will keep rising. You will blame it on supply chain issues and then pass on the profits to give CEOs big salary and bonus increases.,

15. You would have to deal with disgruntled employees who threaten to resign or unionize and generally feel unappreciated, despite all the flapping lips to the contrary. The average wages for U.S. healthcare workers rose less than wages in other industries during 2020 and the first six months of 2021, despite the healthcare workforce shouldering the heavy burden of fighting the?COVID-19 pandemic. This was according to a recent analysis from Indiana University, the nonprofit Rand Corp. and the University of Michigan highlights the changes in the U.S. healthcare workforce during the pandemic.

The good news is that there will be lots of coworking space to surf on your device while you are waiting for your order. Finding an electrical outlet or a phone charger is a different story.

Of course, no sick care organization?worth its salt would be without patient engagement gimmicks and mobile medical apps. Nespresso recently launched their Prodigio model. You not only get connected care, you get connected coffee care since, you see, ?you can get the Nespresso app, push a button, and your coffee is read and waiting.

The frequent user program would not just be changed, but dropped.?I mean, after all, sick care execs like it when their hospitals are full and frequent flyers are overuse the ER with subsequent hospital admissions. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

There is one more thing that might attract top candidates. There are more drop out docs so finding talent won't be a problem as long as they offer a loan forgiveness program. Plus, they won't have to change the policy and procedure manual.

Starbucks is struggling. It has strayed from its successful strategy of offering customers exceptional experiences and, in the process, has commoditized itself. This article analyzes where it went wrong and offers ideas for how the company can turn itself around. It holds lessons for other companies that compete by providing customers distinctive experiences.

Coffee care might have a big future. After all, sick care is making trillions doing it wrong. Did you say Grande double decaf skim vanilla mocha? Go ahead. I dare you. Guess how much that costs?

Oh, I forgot. Inflation has been conquered.

Arlen Meyers, MD, MBA is the President and CEO of the Society of Physician Entrepreneurs at Substack