The Coach's Journey: From Control to Empowerment
Chandan Lal Patary
?? Enterprise Business Transformation Coach ?? || ?? Author of 9 Transformation Guidebooks || ??Empowering Leaders & Innovators with Practical Insights for Success || Author-> Master your Mind, Master your Leadership
In a small coaching room, the clock ticks quietly, but the space feels heavy with words. The coach speaks, and speaks, as if the answers lie solely in their own voice.
The coachee sits quietly, nodding along, yet feeling a sense of disconnect. They long to express their own thoughts, their own struggles, but the words of the coach flow endlessly, leaving little room for their own voice to rise.
The coach, in their attempt to show their expertise, unintentionally takes control of the conversation.
The coachee begins to wonder, “Will I ever be heard here?” Trust, a vital element in any relationship, begins to fray. The coach, despite their good intentions, hasn’t left space for the coachee to reflect, to explore, to discover. The lack of balance between speaking and listening shifts the energy of the room, and the coachee feels less like a partner and more like a passenger.
The coach, perhaps out of fear or insecurity, believes that by filling the silence with their own words, they are being helpful.
After all, they have so much knowledge to share. But in doing so, they miss the essence of coaching: to listen deeply and allow the coachee’s own insights to emerge.
A more competent coach, one who understands the value of silence and reflection, would have asked more questions, offered fewer answers, and guided the conversation in a way that empowered the coachee to find their own way.
But the unskilled coach, eager to show their value, hasn’t yet learned the power of listening, of waiting for the coachee to speak their truth.
Then there’s the moment when the coach takes the reins too firmly, steering the conversation as if they are the only one who knows the way. The coachee, feeling like a passenger in their own journey, wonders if they will ever have the chance to explore their own path.
The coach, in an attempt to ensure the conversation stays on track, inadvertently takes away the coachee’s sense of ownership. They feel as if they are being told what to do, rather than being guided to discover it for themselves. The coach’s desire to maintain control, to avoid silence or ambiguity, stifles the coachee’s independence. They feel disempowered, as if their own ideas, their own needs, are secondary to the coach’s agenda.
A more competent coach would have recognized that the coachee is the true expert in their own life. They would have known when to step back and allow the coachee to take the lead, to trust in their own ability to guide the conversation.
But the unskilled coach, perhaps still uncertain about their role, takes charge too quickly, and the coachee’s sense of self-efficacy diminishes. Without the space to explore, the coachee begins to feel like they are following instructions rather than discovering their own solutions.
The coach, in their eagerness to help, may then fall into the trap of becoming the “fixer.” As soon as the coachee expresses a struggle or a challenge, the coach jumps in, offering solutions and answers. The coachee, grateful at first, soon begins to feel like their own ideas don’t matter. They are left with no room to think critically, to problem-solve on their own. Every time a challenge arises, the coach is there, ready to provide the answer. Over time, the coachee becomes dependent on the coach, their ability to think independently eroded. They no longer feel empowered to solve their own problems. Instead of developing the tools to navigate challenges, they rely on the coach’s wisdom.
But why does this happen? The coach, in their desire to be helpful, might feel an overwhelming need to solve problems quickly. They fear that if they don’t provide answers, the coachee might feel lost, confused, or incapable. They want to demonstrate their value and expertise, but in doing so, they rob the coachee of the opportunity to grow. A coach with more experience would know that coaching isn’t about providing solutions but about creating an environment where the coachee feels empowered to find their own answers.
In some cases, the coach may even strategize too early in the conversation, setting clear paths and goals before the coachee has had the chance to truly process the situation. The coach, thinking they are being helpful, lays out a plan, a solution, a clear direction.
But this premature strategizing stifles the coachee’s own creative process. The coachee hasn’t had the time to fully explore the issue at hand, to reflect on their own feelings and thoughts. Instead of feeling empowered, they feel as though the conversation has already been decided for them. The coach’s need to provide structure too soon diminishes the possibility for deeper insights and meaningful reflection.
In the midst of all this, the coach may become fixated on finding that one “breakthrough” moment – the moment when everything clicks into place, and the coachee has a sudden realization.
The coach longs to see that transformation, to feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with a profound shift in the coachee’s perspective. But this fixation can cloud the coach’s judgment. They may miss the subtle, yet important, progress the coachee is making. The coachee, feeling the pressure to have that “aha” moment, may begin to doubt their own progress. Instead of feeling encouraged by their growth, they may feel frustrated that they haven’t reached the elusive breakthrough.
The coach, though well-meaning, might be so focused on demonstrating their value that they forget that true coaching isn’t about grand gestures or dramatic moments of transformation. It’s about the quiet, incremental changes that lead to lasting growth. A skilled coach understands that not every session will result in a major breakthrough, but every session is an opportunity for progress, no matter how small.
As the conversation continues, the coach might begin to focus more on how they appear, on how knowledgeable and capable they look to the coachee. They feel the need to impress, to show that they are the expert in the room. But in doing so, they risk overshadowing the coachee’s own insights. The coachee, sensing this need for validation, may feel judged, as if their own thoughts and feelings are being compared to the coach’s expertise. The conversation becomes less about the coachee’s growth and more about the coach’s ego.
The need to appear infallible can also cause the coach to dismiss the coachee’s insights. The coachee, offering a different perspective or idea, may find their thoughts brushed aside, as if their views don’t matter. The coach, in their desire to be seen as “right,” becomes less open to differing opinions. The coaching relationship shifts from a partnership to a more hierarchical dynamic, where the coachee’s voice is diminished. Trust erodes, and the coachee begins to feel that their own experiences and ideas are less valuable than the coach’s.
At times, the coach may assume that their own experiences or expertise apply directly to the coachee’s situation. They offer advice based on their own knowledge, thinking that it will work for the coachee as well. But this assumption can lead to disconnection. The coachee, with their unique challenges and circumstances, may feel misunderstood. The coach, in their attempt to help, overlooks the coachee’s specific needs and context. The advice given may not resonate with the coachee at all, leaving them feeling isolated and unsupported.
Finally, the coach might focus too much on what the coachee should avoid doing, rather than what they can do. The emphasis on avoiding mistakes can create a sense of fear, where the coachee becomes paralyzed, unsure of how to move forward. The conversation becomes clouded with caution, and the coachee’s natural creativity and willingness to experiment are stifled.
A skilled coach would have known to encourage the coachee to take risks, to embrace the possibility of failure as part of the learning process. But instead, the coachee feels trapped in a cycle of caution, unable to break free and explore new possibilities.
Through all of these missteps, the coaching process becomes less about empowering the coachee and more about the coach’s own needs and insecurities. The coachee, lost in the confusion of the coach’s well-intentioned but misguided actions, begins to lose trust in the process. They may begin to question whether coaching is the right path for them at all.
But there’s hope. With time, reflection, and growth, both the coach and the coachee can learn to avoid these pitfalls. A skilled coach, one who listens deeply, allows space for the coachee to lead, and empowers them to find their own solutions, can transform the coaching experience into something profoundly transformative. The coach’s role is not to fix, to control, or to impress, but to guide the coachee on a journey of self-discovery and growth. It is a delicate dance, one that requires trust, empathy, and a deep commitment to the coachee’s well-being. And when both the coach and the coachee embrace this partnership, the magic of coaching can truly unfold.
Key learnings from the story:
Ultimately, coaching should be a dynamic, reflective process that empowers the coachee to grow through their own insights and actions.