Coaching by "The Second Agreement"

I recently read the book the four agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. I was fascinated by the concept of self-domestication that was illustrated thoughtfully in the book. How our life experiences, our school, our parents have conditioned us to operate based on a system of punishment and reward, to the point that we continued domesticating ourselves long after our parent, school, etc. had any control over our lives.

“Soon we became afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the reward.”

In that regard, Don Miguel Ruiz offers the four agreement as a way of life to free ourselves from that self-domestication and experience more joy, truth, and beauty in life.

The Four agreements:

• Be Impeccable with your Word: The words you use with yourself and others make your reality, whether it was positive or negative; "I’m a failure" vs. "I’m capable."
• Don't Take Anything Personally: Others reactions are about them, not you!
• Don't Make Assumptions: When we are making assumptions, we are asking for problems. Ask questions, and don’t let your assumptions cloud your judgment.
• Always Do your Best, no more, and no less. “Your best” may not look the same from one moment to the next.

I believe that each of these agreements offers a powerful and impactful message. Nonetheless, the second agreement resonated with me the most.

The Second Agreement: Don't take Anything Personally

When taking things personally and agree with whatever was said, we get trapped due to what Don Miguel calls "Personal Importance," which is the maximum expression of selfishness, as we make the assumption that everything is about "me!"

However, in reality:

“Nothing other people do is because of you. It's because of themselves.”

Their opinions and actions are stemming from their domestication experiences, belief systems, and the agreements they have in their own minds. The other side of the coin reads, whatever you feel or do is just a projection of your personal experience and a reflection of your own agreements.

Moreover, this concept expands to cover our internal dialogue and the opinions we have of ourselves, as they may not be necessarily true. What's more captivating is that it's not just about the negative experience or comments we receive from others; it also includes their positive opinions of us. In that sense, if someone tells us "you're the best" or "you're the worst," that need not affect our emotional state because we know your truth and don't need someone else to validate or deny that. I find that interesting because it seems to counter some of the prevailing ideas of not letting in criticisms but letting in praise.

That requires a high level of awareness, yet, it could create an immense shift in our lives. For when we're immune to the judgment and reactions of others, we won't be the victim of needless suffering. Basically, others can say or do whatever they want, and we have the choice to accept it and let it affect us or Not.

A statement that captured my attention from that chapter was:

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”

In a coaching context, the second agreement made me think about how clients could develop this habit and transform their professional and personal experiences moving forward.

Coaching for Resilience:

In that realm, not taking things personally could get us closer to accepting ourselves unconditionally, and be emotionally steady. Rather than riding that self-esteem rollercoaster that is driven by positive and negative opinions of others and sometimes our own minds.

Personal resilience could be described as the capacity to maintain or recover high levels of well-being in the face of life adversity. Furthermore, “Self-Acceptance” and “Positive relations with others” are considered two of the key dimensions of psychological well-being that leads to effective performance.

What it could look like:

In that regard, coaching for resilience and well-being could start with the client exploring their limiting beliefs and identifying their triggering thoughts. Through continuous and consistent efforts towards isolating the self from that little voice in the back of the head, the client will be building their resilience muscle that would serve them in their challenging interactions with others.

The next step could be working with the client to navigate their responses to unpleasant comments from others in the workplace or even towards a change on an organizational level, as the case in mergers and acquisitions or just downsizing. Not taking things personally would allow them to be resourceful in the midst of change and make decisions from an empowered place rather than getting affected by all the noise and getting disappointed and dissatisfied in the process.

Potential Outcomes:

• Increasing emotional intelligence. Having this level of understanding allows you to respond from a place of empathy and awareness. That awareness gives you the option in what to agree with, which in the long run, can change your experience of yourself and others experience of you.
• Positive relationships with others in the workplace. Practicing resilience over time helps you develop the ability to bounce back quickly from any irritating remarks or negative experiences that may occur with your boss and colleagues. In that, you communicate and respond effectively, rather than reacting impulsively.
• Autonomy. Being able to resist social pressures to think and act in certain ways, to regulate behavior from within, and evaluate self by personal values.

In closing, I believe that coaching for resilience could be of value on the preventative side rather than just being curative. As it could enrich the client's professional experience, by supporting individuals buffer adversity, remain flexible, and sustain performance.

References:

 Ruiz, M. (1997). The Four agreements companion book. San Rafael, Calif: Amber-Allen Publishing.

Smith, C. L. (2016). Coaching for Resilience and Well-being. The SAGE handbook of coaching. SAGE. Ch. 15, pp. 346 – 362.