The Coaching Leader. Principle #1: I Don't Know

I’m an Executive Coach. I’ve taken some excellent coaching programs in the past. I'm currently on a coaching program with Six Seconds. Through this process of reconnecting with the foundations of coaching, I’ve been reminded of the power of a coaching approach.

I’m also conscious of the growing focus on the coaching style of leadership in many organizations.

Why be a Coaching Leader?

A coaching leader approach is increasingly essential in situations where knowledge is held in different forms and within different people across the organization.

It’s ?essential in organizations where there is constant change - and new challenges and opportunities arise constantly.

And it’s essential in organizations where people? are motivated to learn and grow and where they feel a sense of satisfaction in creating solutions themselves.

Getting the best answer – the optimal decision – requires leaders to support people in arriving at that answer themselves.

I don’t know.

One of my favourite coaching principles is ‘I don’t know’. In fact, ‘I don’t know’ is at the heart of being a coach, and a coaching leader.

How does accepting ‘I don’t know’ feel for you?

If you’re like many leaders I’ve coached, it can be uncomfortable to accept that you don’t know something, and extremely uncomfortable to verbalize this. But it’s a prerequisite to being a coaching leader.

Here are five insights as to why:

1. No one is infallible.

Everyone knows that no one knows everything – and that no one can be expected to know everything. Especially Gen Z leaders.

Given that truth, accepting you don’t know builds trust.

2. Often, you really don’t know.

How can you possibly know as much as people in your team who are specializing on a topic or project?

3. You know your way.

Pretty frequently, you know how you’ve typically approached an opportunity/challenge and achieved success, but what about other ways? Do you really know that your way is the best?

And even if that proves to be the case, what is the bigger picture in this situation?

That people do something your way, possibly the best way, or that people feel autonomy to achieve the objective their way – and in the process, make mistakes and learn and grow. (Of course, criticality permitting).

Can you be open to knowing other ways?

4. Your answer is simply that. Your answer.

When a colleague or team member is sharing, how far ahead is your mind rushing? Do you have the answer?

You may have an answer, but that’s your ‘right’ answer – your right answer for you.

It may not be the right answer for the person talking to you.

How does sharing your right answer for you serve the person seeking their right answer for them?

5. Not knowing opens the door to knowing.

Recall a time when you knew you didn’t know. How did that not knowing spark your curiosity?

What questions did you ask of yourself and others?

How did that support you and them to move towards awareness and action?

Working with your counterpart to create the knowing is the act of a coaching leader.

How can you not know?

If you know something, how can you possibly release knowing that?

Here are three of my favourite learnings from my coaching journey.

1. Switch off the ego.

This is about the other person, not you.

Can you commit to giving your full attention to them?

2. Release the burden of knowing.

Can you picture knowing as a heavy burden you’re carrying? Can you accept that your knowing is not helpful in a coaching conversation. (It absolutely is helpful in other types of conversations!)

Can you enjoy the lightness it brings to let go of that burden and engage in supporting the other person to build awareness and know what the right next step is?

3. Get curious.

Can you commit to enjoying the process of discovery?

Can you cultivate a feeling of excitement in letting go of judgment and embarking on a mini-adventure? The adventure of discovering what best serves the person you’re speaking with?

What can you do to not know?

A few things to be conscious of when trying to remain in the ‘I don’t know’ territory:

1. Be here now.

Be fully focused on your counterpart. Switch off distractions. Catch yourself when your mind wanders – especially when it wanders towards judgment.

2. Ask expansive questions.

Can you ask open questions? Questions that start with a what or a how, perhaps also a where or a who? (Why questions can sound judgmental, so you might want to avoid those)

Can you avoid questions that lead your counterpart firmly down the path that takes them to an answer you already have in mind?

Can you accept that they might not get to an answer right there and then? Can you acknowledge that it may take a little more time. If there is no immediate need for an answer, can you give them the space to ponder possibilities?

3. Practice.

It’s easy to intellectually know that not knowing is critical to the success of a coaching conversation - but it’s much more difficult to achieve not knowing in practice.

Can you practice not knowing in a variety of situations? With your family members, especially your children? With people outside work? With people at work?

#1 Principle: I don’t know

The three key reasons I’ve chosen this as the first coaching leader principle because:

1. Your not knowing provides a space – an opportunity – for another person to open up and feel empowered to find a way forward.

2. This approach builds trust in you as a leader – and trust of your confidence in the person you are supporting.

3. It provides a reminder that as a leader, you don’t always have to know.

Perhaps in full form the first principle of being a coaching leader is:

I don't know - but I know you know.

Andrea Stone is an Executive Coach and Educator supporting global leaders and their teams in technology-driven organizations to realize their potential by practicing emotionally intelligent leadership – the major differentiator between star and average performers.

? Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership