Coaching or Criticism? Seeing Feedback as positive

Feedback gives information on past behaviour, while coaching focuses on future actions.?

Feedback helps employees understand what is working and what isn't so that they can improve. While coaching seeks to improve future outcomes by identifying potential issues and fixing them. Each has a role to play and each can only be successful with the support of the other. I am often cited as stating that 'feedback is a gift'. When someone cares about your success enough to take the time to give you some suggestions on enhancing your performance, it is important to recognise they are doing it because they want you to succeed.

Feedback improves performance, develops talent, aligns expectations, solves problems, impacts promotion and pay, and boosts the bottom line. Feedback helps you identify your strengths and opportunities to hone your skills to grow within your role and beyond.

Why then, are so many employees hesitant to both offer feedback and hear feedback?

In many organisations, feedback doesn’t work. Only 36% of managers complete appraisals thoroughly and on time. In one recent survey, 55% of employees said their most recent performance review had been unfair or inaccurate, and one in four said they dread such evaluations more than anything else in their working lives. When HR was asked about their biggest performance management challenge, 63% cited the managers’ inability (or unwillingness) to have difficult feedback conversations. Coaching and mentoring is often used in organisations but can be less consistent in effectiveness. ?

Often companies see training managers around giving feedback, as the answer. It certainly can enhance a leader's ability to communicate, but won't achieve anything if the receiver is not able or willing to absorb the information. It is the receiver who is in control of what information and how much of the information is heard. It is the receiver who decides what they are hearing (or not). Only the receiver can change the behaviour, not the leader or feedback provider. Feedback is not something that is pushed or given, it is only effective when the receiver is ready and willing to hear and take action.?

Organisations have spent many years coaching leaders on how to have difficult conversations (not that giving feedback should be seen as a difficult conversation). What I have seen is that almost everyone, from graduates to C-suite veterans, everyone struggles with receiving feedback. Why is that?

All developmental feedback whether a well-intended suggestion or comment, can spark an emotional reaction. The skills however to receive feedback are distinct and teachable but the first step is being able to manage the emotions triggered by the feedback and extract value from the suggestion even if it is poorly delivered.?

Why is receiving Feedback difficult for so many people?

We all have a need to learn and grow, while also needing acceptance and a sense of belonging to a group. This results in a dichotomy between the two, the need to be accepted and the need to learn and grow. A seemingly simple suggestion can result in you feeling anxious or angry and defensive. A starting point for someone offering feedback is often ‘don't take this personally’ but this can do little to allay these emotions. Becoming more open to feedback needs to start with managing those feelings. These triggers are as follows:?

Truth triggers are set off by the content or information within the feedback. When feedback or advice seem unhelpful, or (on the surface) untrue, you feel indignant, wronged, and exasperated.

Relationship triggers are tripped by the person providing the feedback. Exchanges are often influenced by what you believe about the provider of the feedback (e.g you feel they don't have credibility on this) and how you feel about your previous interactions with them. So you might reject the feedback that you would accept on its merits if it came from someone else.

Identity triggers are all about your relationship with yourself. Our identity is how we perceive ourselves. Whether the feedback is right or wrong, true or otherwise, when we acknowledge it, it questions your sense of who you are. You may have considered yourself as someone who has a high attention to detail and you are now receiving feedback that questions that. In such moments you may feel overwhelmed or defensive.

These responses are natural and unavoidable. One cannot ignore these feelings but you can learn to recognise what is happening and learn how to find the growth in the feedback.?