A Coaching Approach to Parenting Coordination

This article was published in the Fall 2023 Family Law Review Magazine. As there is no electronic version of this article available, the content is being shared via LinkedIn Articles. For more questions about this approach, please reach out and schedule a call. Erica

A Coaching Approach to Parenting Coordination

High-conflict co-parents rarely communicate well. By the time co-parents engage with a Parent Coordinator, they are typically angry, hurt, and tired. Co-parent conflict over non-legal/non-therapy issues is like a pebble in a shoe. Minor, everyday annoyances and inconveniences take on a life of their own, causing co-parents to lose the ability to see how their actions are hurting the children and slowing the progress of their case. Over time, pain keeps co-parents from focusing on anything else.?

PC work is not therapy. Coaches have specific professional training and experience in designing action plans and eliminating ambiguity. Coaches and therapists have different training, goals, and areas of expertise. Their suitability for resolving conflict depends on the specific situation and issues. It is important to note that both coaches and therapists can be valuable in resolving disputes, and the particular approach that will be most effective may depend on the nature of the conflict and the needs of the parties involved.

Below are some ways to determine when a coach-trained PC may be the best fit for resolving co-parent conflict.?

Focus on the Present and Future:?While therapists often work with clients to explore past experiences and emotions with the goal of finding and solving the root causes of behaviors, coaches typically focus on the present and future. A coach PC helps co-parents clearly identify goals, develop detailed action plans, and progress rapidly toward resolution in a practical and goal-oriented way.

A coaching approach encourages clients to spend time looking to the future. New protocols and processes concentrate on tactics, details, and practicality. Coach PCs use forward-facing language to keep co-parents focused on the future relationship. While the wreckage of their past may influence their present state of mind, a coaching approach uses the present moment as the anchor point in the conversation.

Solution-Focused Approach:?Coach PCs bring a solution-focused approach to co-parent sessions. The PC helps co-parents identify and implement practical solutions to their problems. While therapists also help clients find solutions to problems, they may spend more time exploring underlying causes and emotions. Depending on the situation, sifting through root causes and feelings may be better suited to individual therapy than parenting coordination sessions.

Emphasis on the Day-to-Day:?PCs tackle the non-legal issues that slow down a case. By the time a PC enters, co-parents often cannot differentiate between the legal issues their attorneys need to resolve, the mental health issues their therapist works on, and all the other day-to-day issues that cause conflict. One of the essential things a PC does is to begin to unwind the tangle of problems each co-parent is struggling with. The PC separates issues that belong to the therapist, issues that belong to the attorney, GAL, or judge, and creates a third category – present day-to-day problems that the PC can resolve.

Greater Emphasis on Accountability:?Coach PCs hold co-parents accountable for their actions and measure progress towards goals. Accountability can be particularly valuable in resolving conflicts, as it can help ensure that the parties involved follow through on agreements and commitments made during the coaching process.?

Neutral Perspective:?A coach PC has an unbiased perspective. PCs focus on lowering conflict that impacts the child/children, allowing the PC to provide an objective perspective, especially when both parties are too emotionally invested in the battle to see clearly. A neutral coach PC can help ensure both parties have an equal voice and opportunity to progress. Their neutrality is particularly valuable when a power imbalance or strong emotions are involved.

Designing Actions:?A coaching approach to PC empowers each co-parent to design protocols that are duplicatable whenever they encounter a future difficulty. The co-parents learn problem-solving skills that lower conflict rather than increase tension. The co-parent designs their solutions rather than having a solution imposed on them. Co-parents are encouraged to think about conflict from multiple perspectives and to think about the impact on their child/children.

Identifying Limiting Beliefs:?A coach is a tactician. A coach PC considers the issues that matter to the client and then works to identify where misconceptions and ambiguity have derailed progress. Co-parents often have false beliefs about what the co-parenting relationship is supposed to be. Those beliefs prevent them from implementing strategies that might help everyone function without conflict. They may be so focused on what is "supposed to be" that they cannot think about what "is" and thus enter a vicious cycle of frustration, blame, and anger. A coach leverages their experience, knowledge, and training to remove limiting beliefs so co-parents can explore creative solutions.

A coaching PC approach to conflict resolution can effectively promote collaboration, understanding, and constructive communication to resolve conflicts positively and sustainably. A coaching approach to PC emphasizes active listening, empathy, and constructive feedback. This emphasis helps to build trust and lower friction. The structure and forward-facing approach to PC opens co-parents to considering different perspectives and finding common ground.

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