The Coaching Advantage

"My wife Eleanor and I used to live in Princeton, New Jersey, in a small house divided into three apartments, each with its own parking space. We had two neighbors, one of whom was a very intense professor - we'll call her Leslie. She was smart, lively and very opinionated. We had not gotten into many conversations with her, primarily they often evolved into debates and we inevitably lost. Thruth to be told, she was a little scary to both of us. One night we returned home from a movie very late to find that there was a car parked in our space. We were tired, the movie was not particularly good so were annoyed, and we were not feeling all that tolerant. The Princeton police will not hesitate to ticket an illegally parked car so we had the car towed, parked our car in its rightful space, and went to sleep.

The next morning there was a loud knock on the door. Now I should tell you a few things: First of all, both Eleanor and I have taken classes in communication, mediation, and negotiation - skills that we had had plenty of opportunity to practice with each other in our first few years of marriage. We knew all about the importance of empathy and assertiveness - hearing and being heard. We were both pretty good at it, actually.

Secondly, I had been regularly working with a coach - someone with whom I spoke at least once a week and who was invaluable in helping me apply the knowledge ...

So, there was knock on the door. Eleanor was the first to answer and once she opened the door she immediately regretted it. There was Leslie - beet red as though she had been holding her breath for the past 10 minutes. In fact, she might have been because as soon as she saw my wife a trail of angry words and accusations burst out of captivity from her mouth. I was in the back of the house but I could hear her clearly. "How could you have done that to me? I can't believe you could be ... so incredibly rude. I always thought you two were nice." And on and on. Now Eleanor was taken aback, her adrenalin kicking, and she did what any of us might have done when confronted by a charging bear. She defended herself. "What are you talking about" she said. It turned out it was her son's car that we had towed!" Well, Eleanor and Leslie went at it - both arguing their points. Meanwhile, I had a 45 second conversation with myself. It went like this: What will diffuse the professor? I thought for a second - she needs to be heard. How can you do that for her? I asked myself. I thought for a second. I can ask her questions and repeat her answers until the sees that I understand how upset she is. ...

I took a deep breath, felt my adrenaline pumping, and joined the fray. They were both angry at this point. "What's up guys? Leslie, you seem really angry about something." She saw a new victim and pounced. I listened, "Wow", I said, "I can see how angry you are. Your son only visits once in a blue moon and you really want him to have a good experience when he's with you. And then the people who you think are your good neighbors have his car towed. One more reason for him not to come home."

"Year, that's right," she said, indignantly. And then she was silent. She had nothing else to say because I had understood the depth of her reaction. She was heard. At that point I could tell her we were sorry. That because her son came so seldom we did not recognize his car and there was no note on it. And we needed to park.

She got it it. Thanked me for understanding, suggested that she communicate with us when her son is coming home, and returned to her apartment. I want to stress that had I been the one to answer the door that morning, it would have been me, not Eleanor, under attack, and I would likely have found myself in defensive mode as well. The advantage I had that morning was the time to coach myself at the very moment I needed it - at the point of action. ... That was the difference between competently applying knowledge versus passively holding it." (taken out of Peter Bregman: Point B - a short guide to leading a big change).

Being seen, heard, understood and valued is the strongest emotional human need. The moment people feel understood, defenses are lowered and often times solutions surface.

My personal learnings:

Learning for the sake of intellectual curiosity is shallow. You need to apply it when the going gets tough.

In the heat of the moment pause, listen to genuinely understand, reflect and coach yourself before you make yourself understandable. In others words, you need to be open to be influenced when you start influencing, ... when you start leading.

It requires in the first place to get rid of the urge to be right and "to win the conversation". Instead it is only about moving the topic forward ... so that the best ideas win regardless where they come from.

Have you come across similar personal experiences or inspiration from others?