Co-Parenting Through Separation and Divorce: Strategies for Success in Trying Times

Any parent will tell you that caring for their children and always putting them first is their highest priority. Yet, when it comes to marital separation and divorce, the kids are often inadvertently caught in the proverbial crossfire. The following are some strategies for co-parenting that can help reduce the strain placed on the children during this tumultuous time.?

I always tell my clients that the first step to successfully co-parenting is to practice the three Cs: communicate, coordinate, and collaborate.??

Communicate with your partner or former spouse so you know what is going on in your kids' lives. Thoughtful communication is crucial so you do not step on each other’s toes regarding matters involving the children. Next, coordinate your calendars well in advance, getting buy-in from the other spouse on essential events for the kids. Regularly spending time discussing your schedules can keep everyone in the loop and not feel excluded. Make sure you know who has what holidays and that the kids' clothes, computers, sports gear, etc. go back and forth between houses. Lastly, collaborate, working together to be sure the kids feel loved, appreciated, and cared for above all else.?

Co-parenting takes commitment, which might seem impossible amid a divorce, but the effort is essential for the children's sake. Of course, not every situation allows for seamless co-parenting. In those cases, commit yourself to parallel parenting, which generally means that if you feel the child is safe and cared for in the other home, then they do what they do, and you do what you do. These practices might mean you have different routines at both homes. That is okay. The kids will roll with it. Besides, you cannot legislate or dictate how your spouse will parent, so you might as well accept that fact. Unless the kids are being mistreated, neglected, or manipulated negatively, you would be well served to keep your focus on your half of the parental responsibilities and let your spouse handle theirs.??

Children and Divorce Are Like Oil and Water

How children react to divorce can vary widely and will often be impacted by their age. The bottom line is that kids rarely want to see their parents’ marriage end. From their perspective, their entire world is being turned upside down. The uncertainty and fear of the unknown is palpable to their young and impressionable minds.??

Even in the best of circumstances, adolescent children will not be happy but might be generally accepting. They may act out, becoming angry to be seen and heard in a situation over which they have absolutely no control. To some extent, this is normal. At the risk of overgeneralization, I have consistently observed, and some expert research supports that young children respond differently than adolescents. Younger boys tend to have less-developed verbal tools to express their emotions, so they communicate through outbursts or bad behavior. Conversely, younger girls can tend to keep things internalized and get quieter, causing feelings to bubble up as issues later in life. In such cases, the parents must recognize this as a cry for help; girls are often forgotten if they do not share their feelings.? (Reinhard, D. W. (1977). The reaction of adolescent boys and girls to the divorce of their parents. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 6(2), 21–23)

Paying attention, talking with your children, and giving them a safe space to communicate, such as with a well-trained therapist, are all key. Having the children see a therapist might be the best course of action so they have someone to help them work through the powerful and confusing feelings they are experiencing.?

Breaking Bad: Telling the Kids?

Deciding when to tell the children that you and your spouse are about to separate or seek a divorce is a tricky and challenging decision. I recommend discussing this with a child therapist, as the therapist, together with you and your co-parent, will provide the best available counsel on communicating this life-altering decision with your children.?

Needless to say, once you break the news, your kids will have many questions. Where will I live, and will I have my room? When will I get to see mom or dad? Whose house will the dog live in? Will I have to change schools? Before informing the kids about separation or divorce, consider having a reasonable handle on the answers to those questions (and likely many others that will come up). Honest communication is vital. And when you do not have answers, let the kids know you do not know yet. The most important thing is to communicate as best you can and let them know you love them. They need to know you will still be a family even if you are not together.?

Timing around when to break this big news is essential, too. I recommend avoiding doing this before a big holiday, like Christmas, Mother's Day, or a birthday, because they may associate those holidays going forward with the end of the family. Likewise, avoid sharing the news before school exams for apparent reasons.?

Taking the High Road for the Kid’s Sake?

While you may be going through a tough time yourself during the process of separation or divorce, it is always best if you can take the high road for the sake of your kids. Being supportive of your spouse shows your children that you also care about each other and them. In my first divorce, I never said anything negative about my kid's father. Instead, I did the opposite with our children. Of course, it did not hurt that we had an amicable divorce and remain friends. Indeed, I still love him and adore his wife. I also realize many people going through divorce do not feel that way, and they just want to vent about their spouse. However, when it comes to the kids, keeping things civil goes a long way to helping them come to grips with their new reality.?

I also recommend starting new traditions and building new memories. It is essential to show your kids that life as they know it is not ending but that this is simply a new chapter that can be filled with good things they will cherish.?

My last piece of advice is to check in regularly with your kids to see how they are doing. You do not have to ask how they are coping with the divorce, but in a non-intrusive, non-obvious way, you should remain attuned to how they are coping. This advice is generally good for life, not just for divorce.?

Please note: The content and views expressed here are my own and do not reflect or represent the positions, strategies, views, or opinions of Blank Rome LLP.