Co-Parenting Peacefully And The Quest For Our Better Selves

"Stop yelling at my mom!"

Those words still haunt me today. Uttered by my then 5-year old as he swung wildly at me with clenched fists, his rage and confusion were obvious.

Those words stopped me in my tracks.

We were yelling? I was yelling? Shit.

Shit.

"Thank you for saying something, buddy. I'm so sorry." I explained tactfully, "Mommy and daddy weren't yelling, we were just talking... heatedly.. maybe it sounded loud." I stumbled over myself while his mom gave me a look that said "Good luck."

That was the one thing I thought we had nailed even if everything else was falling apart. We were good at hiding the dysfunction. Or, at least we thought we were.

The fact of the matter is that children see everything. It's more like, they sense everything. By virtue of their relative freshness, they are uniquely attuned to their environment in a way that adults have learned to dull over time. They're not idiots, they're just kids.

It hurts to write this, but it serves a purpose. After divorce and once all of the facades had melted away, I had to own a stark (and beautiful) reality: there was still a journey ahead. There was a long time to go in this life and a as parent, and a multitude of opportunities to leverage or squander.

The ideal of co-parenting, at it's core, is not really about getting along with your co-parent. It's a neat concept, but it ignores the deeper obligation that underlies and can in turn bolster that possibility: co-parenting is about showing your kids that you can embody your better self.

It starts with excavating and dismantling deeply entrenched belief systems, a topic unto itself, and only just gets going with the idea that we can rewrite them. It requires transcending the immediate hurt, anger and mistrust that comes from the end of marriage and the disillusion of the perfect family and seeing that there is still a life to be lived, and often a very good one if we want it.

However, in order to be sustainable, the foundation of these changes must be predicated on the idea that it's not just about getting along, or getting what you want by playing nice, or avoiding landmines and outplaying Narcissists or bad actors. It's about teaching your children tools that they can utilize to make their lives better as they mature and one day start they're own families.

It's about healing generational trauma.

It's about showing that we love something greater than our immediate needs for gratification, succor and acknowledgement.

Nothing says I love you more than showing love through the integrity of our actions, and nothing informs that integrity more than our sincere belief that parenting in any context is a sacred duty.

If your belief is that somehow the act of parenting is perfunctory, obligatory, or mechanical, a rote act based on something that is ultimately meaningless, then check yourself. It is time to own that parenting a child, no matter your prejudices, is spiritual work.

Consult a pastor, a guru, a therapist, a coach, a friend or a loving parent and get this straight first. Catch up. Meditate on it. Heal any regrets that come up along the way, but understand that there is no such thing as too late.

Once this obligation is clear, then you can begin to filter ALL actions, and ALL behaviors through the lens that states simply and formulaically: Everything I do and say has the potential to either add to or diminish my child's experience in the world and thus their quality of life.

We're not trying to trick our kids into thinking we're good dads. We are showing our kids not just how we communicate with mom, but a slew of other lessons as well:

• how we handle stress
• how we deal will loneliness and anxiety
• how we rebuild after loss
• how we honor our minds, spirits and our bodies through healthy choices
• how we gracefully and thoughtfully navigate the potential for abuse and learn to establish compassionate boundaries
• how we honor and respect the needs of the other even when we fundamentally disagree with or distrust them
• how we honor ourselves by the innate and irrevocable knowledge that we are good, powerful, sovereign and more than enough
• how we address deep emotions and own them
• how we break patterns and change habits
• and most importantly, how we show them that all of this is possible and accessible

This is the greater context and meaning of co-parenting, it is the "why" when our inner child screams "You wanna go to war? I'll show you!"

These goalposts also serve as guidelines, as a way of showing us that we are imperfect, and that a better life awaits our evolution towards these better angels. It ain't easy, friend. In fact, its hard work, but think about the man you could become even halfway towards fulfilling the bullet points above. Think about what you teach your children from this place of power.

Understand that this might be light years from the man, father and co-parent you think you are now. And remember, its not really about you. It never was, but you stand to benefit immensely by virtue of peace of mind, of stronger relationships, of a salvaged legacy.

Want to talk with Jay about divorce, single fatherhood and co-parenting? Click here to schedule a free one hour discovery call.