Co-Parenting Guide: 5 Ways You Can Feel More Prepared For This Holiday Season

The first year after divorce comes with many new “firsts.” Some of these may be positive while others may be more difficult. One of the hardest “firsts” for many parents is the holidays, no matter what you celebrate.

Not being able to uphold traditions with our children can make it feel like the world is coming to an end. We promise, it’s not. Yes, it will be challenging. But this holiday season can also be rewarding and full of new experiences. Preparing for the holidays allows space to create stability, honor key traditions with family members, and find moments of celebration in a time that (inevitably) will feel emotionally overwhelming.?

Here are a few ways you can prepare for the next few weeks of celebrations, traditions, and change:

1. Co-Create a Realistic Plan

We see that the biggest conflicts arise when parents haven’t planned ahead. Or more specifically, when they haven’t agreed to realistic expectations for all parties.

Your normal co-parenting routine may not work for the holidays. For example, if one parent has the children on the weekends and this year, Christmas falls on a weekend, then does the other parent have to wait until the weekday to celebrate? Perhaps you’ll split Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. What time exactly will you transfer the kids? How will you prepare them for the switch?

It may also be necessary to discuss if you and your co-parent recognize different holidays like Hannakuh or Christmas Eve. How can you create a plan that honors both celebrations? For folks of different faiths, there are creative ways to manage traditions such as creating a game for your children to explore the traditions around the world. You don’t have to celebrate all of the same holidays. Your kids may even enjoy getting to experience different traditions.

Co-parents belonging to the same faith or who celebrate the same holidays, may have a slightly different conversation. If you attend a celebration in the same location, how will you two navigate being in that space together? How will you respond to curious acquaintances that may not be in the loop about your divorce and co-parenting? How will you respect one another and help the other still feel welcome in that space?

Parents that have a court-ordered parenting plan should carefully re-read their plan long before the holiday to make sure it is clear. Double-check that your co-parent and you have the same understanding of the plan and the transfer days and times. Contact your lawyer if there is any confusion.

If you anticipate having a disagreement during this conversation, don’t wait until the week before to resolve it. Not only will this seriously hamper the holiday spirit, but your lawyer may not be available. Nor will the judge presiding over your case. The holidays are the most challenging time of year to navigate and many lawyers will become booked up. Try to reach out to your lawyer at least a month in advance.

Thinking of all the complexities can feel stressful, but it will set you up for a more harmonious holiday season and allow you to focus on creating a good experience for you and your children. While an informal agreement between co-parents may work for some families, others may want to bring in a lawyer to create a holiday-specific court order. A lawyer can help ensure that you’ve considered all of the important details and have a solid plan for making the holidays as smooth as possible.

2. Create New Traditions

Traditions are bound to look different this year. As scary as that can feel, it also opens a door to creating new holiday practices and celebrations. After all, for every tradition, there was always a first time. If your kids are old enough, you can ask them what they would like to do. While it may not have the same sentimental or nostalgic feel yet, your children will likely appreciate you asking for their input and enjoy creating a new tradition with you.

Your children may not be with you on the standard “day” of the holiday. You may feel some extra loneliness or resentfulness that day. And those feelings are completely understandable. To help you prepare, come up with a plan for yourself. Perhaps you’ll spend the day with a close friend or your religious community. Maybe you can volunteer at a soup kitchen and share the holiday spirit. If you like being active, plan a hike or a ski trip, or if you’d rather be cozy at home, make sure you have a nice blanket and a heartwarming movie or two picked out.?

3. Set Boundaries with Relatives

The holidays are, for many people, a joyous time to reconnect with extended family. But with that, you’ll likely have a lot more opinions about how you should be parenting. Good-intentioned relatives may feel the need to “help,” but end up doing more harm than good.?

Relatives may want to lend a helping hand and accidentally take up too much space. Or, they may try to comfort you about your recent divorce and make harmful comments about your co-parent. Grandparents may want to spend extra time with their grandchildren and not know about the plan you created with the co-parent. It’s a good idea to have private conversations with your relatives, away from your children, about your boundaries.

For example, if they have strong feelings toward the co-parent, when and where can they express those feelings to you? Are you open to talking about your co-parenting relationship with them or not? How much of the holidays are you willing to spend with extended family since you may have less time with your children this season??

Relatives will need to know that your children will be your highest priority. What boundaries can you set with your family members so you can focus on your kids? Where can you ask for help instituting new (or modified) family traditions?

4. Make Time and Space For Yourself

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in making everything “perfect,” that you forget to think about yourself. This might be the first time you’re not with your child for the holiday. Think about where you could go or what you could do. Maybe you visit your parents or crash your best friend’s holiday celebration (with a little heads up, of course). Maybe you give back to the community through volunteering. Or maybe, you simply relax in a hot bath with some hot cocoa or wine. Whatever you do, find something that feels peaceful to you.

Beyond missing time with children, it can sometimes be hard to no longer be part of your ex-partner’s extended family. If you are feeling this way, you may need to readjust how you fit into that family. This will likely require some heart-to-heart conversations with your former partner and their family members to ensure everyone is on the same page and you create healthy boundaries.

5. Kids Are Resilient, Your Efforts Matter Most

Lastly, and most importantly, give yourself grace. Kids are incredibly resilient. They do not expect you to be perfect, but they do expect you to try. If your child is in a holiday-related activity such as a school play, make an effort to show up. That may mean asking the co-parent for permission to attend if you are not the one caring for your child that day. On the other hand, if the co-parent expresses the same interest, think about what’s best for your child and act accordingly.

This holiday season, give yourself time and space to plan ahead. Be patient with your co-parent and yourself as you navigate all of these changes. If you need help, don’t hesitate to reach out. We’re here to help make sure your holiday season runs smoothly and sets future years up for success. Give us a call at (206) 547-1486.