Co-Dependency With Reality

Looking back at my life, I've made many independent, bold decisions. At 21, I decided not to sit for the usual college job placements and emailed a startup CEO to hire me. At 30, I quit a well-paying job at Microsoft to start a solo practice in leadership coaching that required a completely new skillset.

I pride myself on making these bold choices and following what feels right at the moment. Why should I not-- I research the internet, consult intelligent thinkers and coaches, read books from good authors, draw from past learning experiences, meditate on questions, ask for guidance from the universe, and look to learn from others' experiences. Also, I can muster up the courage for risky endeavors when needed.

Yet, I've been discovering how I've been co-dependent on my family, career, and reality... it's baffling to me. "No! I'm independent. I make my own decisions," I protest.

The general definition of co-dependency is extreme for what I want to describe. A standard example is when a woman enables an alcoholic, abusive husband and covers up for his destructive behavior.

My version of co-dependency is milder. It's a way of being that sacrifices personal autonomy to avoid specific experiences.

I'm co-dependent on reality when I wait for a nod of agreement or approval before making a final decision. Generally, it's pretty wise to consider different perspectives and various consequences before making decisions, so we don't end up with silly unwanted outcomes.

But my ego quickly turns perspective-checking into a game of "let's keep the status quo, submit to external forces, and stay in consensus."

I call this game The Settlers of Right Choices (after the popular board game The Settlers of Catan).

It's a weird game, though. Because...

If you win The Settlers of Right Choices, you lose your autonomy.

Underneath all of the independent, bold decision-making, though, my ego wants to ensure I'm making the right choice by swinging between the source of the right choice-- me or the other. So, with all my sophistication in figuring out the right choice, I choose with full conviction and then cancel that choice when others don't agree.

When there's a contradiction or disagreement, my right choice becomes the wrong choice, and the choice suggested over there is the right one.

Either way, I'm The Settler of Right Choices.

Settling for the right choice is a nice cop-out because I can blame an external entity when things don't work out. Being a generally nice person, though, the blame doesn't look like blame on the surface.

It's subtle and hard to catch.

• "This coach is not the right person for me. They can't help me."
• "The universe has a different path for me. I need to find that right path."
• "I'm missing something. I'm not smart enough. I need to do things the right way" (even self-blame is a settling game)
• "This person is blocking me. What a child, when will they grow up! I need to surround myself with the right people."

You'd think these thoughts look normal or even carry a good chunk of truth and wisdom, and you'd be right. But the problem is that the responsibility is always over there. Autonomy is lost.

Imagine getting into a bad relationship and not blaming the other party. It's too hard for the ego. It's easier to say, "It was not the right relationship." The opposite of blame is radical personal autonomy and responsibility: "I chose this relationship, I got a lot out of it, and now I want something different."

Such personal autonomy is hard.

Staying in the right/wrong is so much easier-- it keeps us in the consensus reality, we get empathy from friends and colleagues, it's familiar, it's safe, and I can avoid the unknowns and the associated crappy feelings.

This dynamic of settling for the right choice, whether it's based on external validation or an internal conflict between right and wrong, reflects a co-dependency on forces other than our true desires and authentic self-expression. In a sense, we relinquish our personal autonomy and try to fit within the safety of the known and accepted.

If I say it's wrong to play The Settles of Right Choices, we're still in the same game! So, I want to highlight the personal costs of giving up personal autonomy and settling for co-dependency. It's not pretty.

Searching for the right choice means actively dodging the wrong choice(s). There's a constant vigilance and mental burden of the choices-to-be-solved. The game is a non-stop adjustment of choices to align with what I believe is the "right" course of action, only to realize that these choices were never truly my own.

Life becomes a long-winded journey of figuring out, settling, dodging, and debating. It looks like a life where:

• I dismiss my needs and become inauthentic to myself.
• I take forever to make important decisions because I wait for agreement.
• I find workarounds for my true desires and eventually find myself dissatisfied.

And there's the always-already blame waiting to be assigned, "Oh, I'm here because xyz," hurting connection to self and others.

I want to say No thank you to such a life. Except... autonomy is hard.

The way out of co-dependency: Acknowledging deep desires to reclaim autonomy

True autonomy feels deeply uncomfortable.

When I make choices from personal autonomy, there's an emotional overload pulling toward settling for the known and the acceptable: What if it doesn't work out? What if I lose money and get no value? What if I waste years down this path? What if I never find anyone to partner with? What if I get a big pushback from everyone?

To break free from co-dependency, we need to develop mental and emotional capacity to accommodate this discomfort of uncertainty and the possibility of making mistakes. The Settlers of Right Choices is a brilliant strategy game spun by our ego defense mechanisms to avoid sitting with this uncertainty.

The context in which I like to approach any decision is that there is no absolute "right" or "wrong" choice—only choices that intentionally lean toward my desires. This kind of radical personal autonomy requires courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to take full responsibility for the outcomes of our decisions, whether they lead to success or failure.

It is edgy work, almost like treating any decision as choosing between ice cream flavors.

Vanilla or chocolate? Chocolate.

Stay or quit a job? Quit. I choose my desire for something different.

Vanilla or chocolate? Vanilla.

Try a new career path that can fail spectacularly? No. I choose my desire for a predictable income.

Decision-making based on such personal autonomy feels empowering. Saying 'No' feels powerful, even if it invokes emotions. This doesn’t mean that seeking advice or considering the perspectives of others is inherently wrong. It’s a necessary part of making informed decisions. But if we stop playing The Settlers of Right Choices and instead, make intentional choices to lean towards our desires rather than the fear of uncertainty or specific experiences, life becomes more alive and empowered.

Admittedly, with the increase in leadership scope, autonomous decision-making gets more challenging. The consequences get more significant: At a personal level, choosing to quit a job and leave a chunk of the stock vest is easier, in a sense, than choosing to layoff people to keep a company alive and face the burden of guilt, which is easier than choosing to deradicalize a country as the crown prince and face death threats.

Autonomy, then, is not just about making decisions independently; it's about making them authentically. It's about having the courage to choose the path that resonates most deeply with who you are, even when it's fraught with uncertainty or goes against the grain. And in that truth, there's a kind of peace and fulfillment that can't be found in any well-defined "right" choice.

It's a peace that comes from knowing that, no matter what happens, you're living and leading a life filled with immense power and freedom that comes from personal autonomy.

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