Co-Dependency … part 236

Can we please stop pathologising the desire to love and help?                              

"Codependency" is a term used to describe a relationship in which, by being caring, highly functional, and helpful, one person is said to support, perpetuate, or “enable” a loved one’s irresponsible or destructive behavior.

One of the common problems of codependent people is their attempt to control others as a way of managing their own anxiety. This control is rarely overt. Instead, it shows up in manipulative behavior designed to get someone to do something we refuse to directly ask for.

For example: a husband wants his wife to show affection to him.

When she does not do this, he feels ignored and abandoned. But he cannot address these feelings directly because they cause him to feel high levels of anxiety.

When he considers the possibility of asking her to be more affectionate, he projects into the future the possibility that she will say "no", which also raises his anxiety.

He focuses on this possibility more than the possibility that she will say "yes", using past negative experiences to support his prediction rather than remembering times she has been affectionate with him to support a prediction that she might say "yes".

Almost all healthy relationships involve a measure of self-sacrifice or what is referred to as “caretaking” behavior.

Seeing a movie a person doesn't want to see in order to please his or her partner, or helping a work or school friend finish a project instead of going on a fun outing are examples of what may be completely normal and healthy caring actions.

 If the partner or friend never returns the favor, or is abusive and mean in spite of caretaking actions, this can quickly become a pattern of codependent behavior.

Rather than deal with his anxiety, which is a result of childhood wounding from his family of origin, he does any or all of the following:

 Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate. 

Thank you …Complains to his wife about her lack of affection. In this way he can raise her attention about the problem without actually asking directly. Maybe she will meet his need if he complains about it enough. But she might also just ignore his complaining because she doesn't hear it as a request, she just hears complaining. Ultimately, this approach is anxiety producing.

Becomes angry with his wife, attacking and punishing her for anything that happens to be convenient.

Even though his chances of getting affection are practically non-existent with this approach, at least he can escape his feelings of anxiety temporarily. Anger is a great way to temporarily raise energy.

The problem is that it also quickly depletes us and makes us feel bad about ourselves, particularly if we are attacking someone when they don't really deserve it and meanwhile we aren't getting our needs met because we haven't directly addressed those needs. Ultimately, anger is anxiety producing.

Withdraws from his wife, ignoring and abandoning her.

With this approach, he is also unlikely to get his affection needs met, although there is a small chance that his wife might ask if something is wrong, which at least shows that she cares.

She might even try to draw him out, which will require significant interaction, which might be a close second to affection for the husband. The problem with this approach is that it reinforces the idea that we are unworthy and powerless and that we cannot get our true needs met. Withdrawal is anxiety producing.

Blames his wife for not being affectionate, as if she should know what he needs. This is a codependent favorite.

They think others should be able to read their minds and meet their needs without their ever having to speak up about them.

What the codependent person doesn't realize is that if their relationship isn't regularly meeting their needs, they have the right to leave. But they stay in unsatisfying, unfulfilling relationships without speaking up or doing anything to help themselves.

Deep inside the codependent logically knows that his wife cannot read his mind and it is unfair to blame her for something he hasn't communicated. Blaming others for things we should be doing is anxiety producing.

Want to add word or two? 

Blames himself for not being lovable.

Another codependent favorite, and the root of most of the problem. At the heart of codependency is a self-love crisis that can be traced to childhood wounding. Because the codependent person lacks strong self-esteem, they cannot hold themselves in warm personal regard no matter what is happening in their relationships.

If his wife isn't being affectionate with him, it cannot be due to something going on with her -- it must be because he is innately unlovable. Self-blame is also anxiety producing.

These attempts to avoid feeling with and resolving anxiety can also result in depression, which is often brought on by stuffing down other feelings (anger, sadness, anxiety, shame, etc.).

Your comment ….? 

What the codependent person needs to do is feel their anxiety rather than use various methods to avoid it, and resolve the underlying issues that cause it. In this case, the husband needs to address the feelings of abandonment and rejection that he suffered as a child that are causing him to feel unlovable and unworthy when his wife doesn't show affection.

He needs to raise his self-esteem and learn to directly ask for affection from his wife.

If she is actually unwilling to show him the affection he needs, he needs to get strong enough to evaluate his relationship from a more logical place and decide whether enough of his needs are being met to warrant staying.

Sometimes, a person has to learn to show the affection that is felt as well, in the ways the other person can recognize.

 No matter how I felt, how sick I might be, how in grief, I always set up the coffee for him. Even in the last days, I set up the coffee for him. I don’t drink coffee. It was an act of service for him and a reminder someone cares for him, cares enough to do something that was for him alone. I told him, it was my way to tell him that.

There were other small things. But the small everyday things weren’t enough when I was also grieved for my father, when I was in physical pain and hadn’t enough emotional energy to hold his hand and be his audience as well as self-care for myself, but I was still there for him, listening, calming him down; just not as ebulliently as when I wasn’t dealing with my own. 

Fact is, he wasn’t there for me. Didn’t show affection without a reason behind it that didn’t benefit him.