Co-dependency in families battling addiction

There are mixed definitions for co-dependency. I will attempt a summary:

When, in a relationship, one person (the co-dependent) enables a second person’s addiction by over-supporting them functionally and emotionally, at the expense of his/her own identity and wellbeing. The co-dependent thus maintains and aggravates the second person’s behaviour whilst excessively seeking approval. The two roles are reciprocal, feeding each other.

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Co-dependency influences family dynamics

One of the hallmark characteristics of alcohol abuse and the family living with the addict is that nothing happens in moderation, but rather on an extreme scale. The non-addicted members of the family are at risk of becoming co-dependent; a clear illustration of the fact that substance abuse is a family problem and is in no way limited only to the individual engaging in the deviant behaviour.

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Co-dependency is a specific relational problem, characterised by excessive attendance to the needs of the person/partner displaying delinquent acts, such as substance abuse, and a lack of care for the self. It is an illustration of the exaggerations mentioned in the previous paragraph – the co-dependent’s extreme focus on the needs of others, an extreme denial of the needs of self; the addict does the opposite – he is under-responsible and self-absorbed.

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The four dimensions of co-dependency are:

1.????Self-identity – the person presents with low levels of self-awareness and differentiation. They see themselves through the eyes of the other person, so evaluate themselves in terms of what they perceive the other person is evaluating them as.

2.????Self-esteem – the person displays low self-esteem.

3.????Dependency issues – the co-dependent struggles with forming normal, close intimate relationships, and being self-sufficient as a result of unmet needs in a dysfunctional family.

4.????Control issues – the co-dependent has an external locus of control, viewing the world as something that he/she does not have the power to change. They consider their own environment outside of their control and become obsessive about trying to control situations for acceptable outcomes. Their preoccupation with over-responsibility for others is part of this pursuit of control.

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The co-dependent is an undifferentiated individual, i.e. one that has very low to no self-definition. This individual may have developed an alter ego, displaying a false self to the rest of the world, as part of the isolation from society experienced in the alcoholic family setting. The person’s psycho-social development and function may be impaired due to the constant exposure to the dysfunctional environment offered by the family setting. Co-dependent behaviour is usually a way of trying to cope with the stress and anxiety that comes with living with an alcoholic.

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In most definitions, the co-dependent appears to be seen as partly to blame for the problem persisting. The co-dependent, in a way, is seen to need the addict to continue the behaviour so the mutual need for each other, and thus the problem, is maintained.

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Because the co-dependent is not expressing open dissatisfaction with the behaviour of the abuser and is instead focusing on fulfilling the needs of the alcoholic, the co-dependent is seen to be maintaining the addict’s behaviour. This allows the co-dependent to inadvertently control the abuser, though at great personal and emotional detriment, whilst hampering the chances of the user recovering from the condition.

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Children growing up in alcoholic family systems only know the dysfunction as normal and therefore they sometimes find themselves attracted to relationships with alcoholics later in life, or they become alcoholics themselves. They also develop negative characteristics such as a willingness to suffer, a need to be needed, anxiety towards change, and problems with objective reasoning.

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Research shows that females are more inclined than males to become co-dependent due to gender roles and socialisation, which assigns nurturing roles to them.

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The family system is seen to be maintaining the addiction, immersing the symptoms into itself, whilst the addiction maintains the homeostasis within the family. Attempts to take away the addiction may be met with resistance from the whole family.

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The social stigma attached to alcoholism also helps to maintain the problem, as the family system is further isolated, due to feelings of shame from the family and admonition from society. There is less chance that non-addict family members would seek help, thus maintaining the addiction and dysfunction in the family.?