Co-dependency – does it help any one?

Do you know anyone around you who’s in a co-dependent relationship? Are you in one? Do you even know if you are in one? Well, read on, maybe…. This might help clear things for you or people close to you. 

Well what is co-dependency? It is a behavioural condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of co-dependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. The term is often used to describe relationships where a person is needy and too dependent on the other person. There is much more to this term than mere everyday clinginess.

The co-dependent person will plan their entire life around pleasing the person who is needy and in turn become the enabler. The co-dependent person’s self-worth and self-esteem is based on pleasing and sacrificing for the other person, who in turn ‘demands’ these sacrifices be made to feel good. It is a vicious  cycle and hard to recognize from the outside as all seems too well in their version of heaven.

Co-dependency is seen among romantic relationships, family members and friends. It can entail subtle emotional abuse, which may turn overt at times. People around them can feel something is wrong but can't place a finger on it. Let me explain with an example. I met someone who was married for more than 20 years and had 2 kids who were all grown up. She was supposedly happy and had everything going for her. However she felt claustrophobic in her marriage. She felt she had no space because her husband insisted they do everything together. It did seem romantic in the early years of their marriage, but it turned to be quite stifling now.

She wasn’t ‘allowed’ to meet her friends for a cup of coffee without feeling guilty of ‘leaving’ him alone at home, and he made no efforts to hide his displeasure. She would not be able to do anything on her own. The worse thing was now her kids made her miserable by expecting her to be at their beck and call at all times when they were home. Now she realised she has been a poor role model by being ‘available’ all the time. She had no time for herself and what was more troubling was that she had lost her sense of identity.

When we talked, she shared that she had been conditioned as a child growing up that she needs to be there for her husband at all times and she can never say no to any of his demands. Her mother was like that with her spouse and she learnt to be the same. The message she received as a child was to keep others around you happy even if it meant you being unhappy. Your feelings don't count! Since her role model was quite weak – she only learnt what she saw.

The first question that comes to  mind is why does one go through this? This is because as a co-dependent one feels worthless unless they are needed by the enabler who asks for drastic sacrifices which are happily made. The enabler ends up getting all their needs met and the co-dependent feels happy about having a purpose. Such people have no identity, interests or values outside their relationship. They have difficulty recognising their own feelings, leave alone expressing them. The enabler is dysfunctional too – as relying on someone does not help them learn to have a relationship that is balanced. They expect people even outside this relationship to make sacrifices and fulfil their neediness. When this doesn’t happen, guess who feels hurt?

How can one change this? Co-dependent people must try to find things to do to enjoy outside their relationship. It helps to spend time with supportive friends/family. The enabler too needs to stop ‘helping’ the co-dependent partner by allowing them to make sacrifices. Both parties need to recognise their patterns of ‘needing to be needed’ and expecting the other person to be around at all times, and take measures to course correct. Speaking to Counsellor may help unlearn old, ineffective patterns and learn and adopt new, healthy ones. These steps aren’t easy but are definitely well worth the effort to help being in a balanced relationship with equality.

Most co-dependents, learn from early childhood that to be good enough for their parents they need to deny or repress any feelings or thoughts they might have. In order to ‘be liked’ by the parent/s they grow up ridden with thoughts of not looking at their needs or wants, but to be dependent on others to validate them. They seem quite fragile with low self-esteem and if they ever assert themselves, it will be followed with self-consuming guilt and a need to over compensate.

The root cause for all of this is the lack of boundaries, both internally and externally. The co-dependent will find it very hard to be happy by saying no and will compromise their own happiness and needs for someone who will never be satisfied. At some level the co-dependent will realise this but the fear of rejection and confrontation keeps them mum. The key to setting boundaries is letting others know they exist. Co-dependents may understand the boundaries but exercising them becomes a problem. To make matters difficult the partner who maybe a narcissist or an addict will push these boundaries and take pleasure to plow right through them.

What is stopping the co-dependent from setting boundaries maybe the fear of confrontation, lack of understanding one’s needs, the belief that others are important, fear of loss of approval, lack of support and low self-worth and self-esteem. You can learn to set boundaries by:

·     Learning to love yourself – stop all the negative messages about yourself and see yourself in new perspective.

·     Understand what you value – sometimes what is acceptable and beneficial may not be effective in your relationship. Take a look at what you value and need and make boundaries that are meaningful and relevant.

·     Prioritise yourself – don’t be available to everyone all the time. Learn to say ‘no’ to others without feeling overwhelmed.

·     Talk about boundaries – learn from close friends, colleagues, counsellor, coach how they set boundaries.

·     Communicate your messages – since it's a new thing practice before your start putting it out there.

There may be times when you can slip into old patterns and find yourself giving into the boundaries you set. There will be times when it will seem easier to give in rather than hold your ground. But doing this will only send a message that you don’t value yourself enough in the relationship. However in trying times too you can be assertive, strong and caring toward yourself.

Remember you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm!