Co-Conspirators for Life

Thank you for being here. I completed my 15th weekly post last week so I took the liberty to make this post a personal one. It is dedicated to the strongest pillar of my life so if you are here based on the topics covered in my previous posts then maybe, you'd like to skip this one.

Introduction

I distinctly remember one night in 2003, I was in 12th standard. I had been quite occupied with my JEE preparations and was feeling good about it. My FIITJEE scores were average, I was never scoring high but I, for some reason felt good. The better I felt about my preparations, the more effort I put into it. The more effort I put in, the happier my parents were, the happier my teachers/coaches were, the easier it was to get the respect of my peers. All in all, it set up a positive feedback loop. I was so mentally engaged with the preparation, I could sit 12~14hours a day without ever feeling stressed out. In fact, I doubt if I have ever been able to repeat the level of focus I had back then for such a sustained period of time again.

In the middle of all this, I was traveling by train from Kolkata to Bokaro. I always preferred the top berth. I was trying to fall asleep and suddenly something hit me. It was so forceful that I had teary eyes without even realizing it and I think I stayed in that state for quite a while that night.

Bonds

I had been so preoccupied with my preparations and enjoying the dopamine highs that I had completely lost track of the fact that my time at home was about to end soon. That, taking the presence of my parents and my brother around me all the time for granted was coming to an end. That, instead of 365 days a year, I would only get to see each other for a few days/weeks a year for the rest of my adult life.

I think that when it comes to love, the emotions of biological parents for their offspring (s) are probably the strongest and I don't think it is possible for children to reciprocate the emotions 100%. While I would do anything for my parents but my equation with my 3 years younger brother is at a whole another level. I am sure people with siblings can understand what I mean, it shouldn't need much explaining. Just to give a crude (hypothetical) example, if my baby brother ever needs a kidney (I pray not), I would happily hand both of mine to the doctor and force him to take the better one from me.

Fights

The weird thing is that I spent most of my early years fighting and sometimes even hurting, my brother. When I was around 5 and both of us were playing on a table, I think I kicked him off the table and he got hurt, punishment meted out by mom was swift but that isn't the point. Here was another (weaker) human being making me share the limited resources which earlier I had all to myself so the competitive reactions continued. Looking back, I really don't think I was doing it consciously but still, the emotions were quite powerful.

Our physical fights (in the absence of parents) in the house, that too over stupid stuff would sometimes get so fierce and loud that neighbors would complain to our mom the next day. I once had a no holds bar fight with him for putting on "MY" tee-shirt (without permission!!!) after the evening cricket session. In hindsight, it all seems so dumb.

I remember, we had video game consoles in those days. You could go to the studio and play some games for some money. It was usually 2 players/console with joystick and stuff. We would typically take another friend with us (aged between the 2 of us) and during the games, I would often take the side of the friend instead of my brother. Jealousy? I am not sure but I remember doing it very often.

One summer, we had enrolled in a swimming camp. The pool was quite a distance from our home so we would cycle there. Now, my brother is 3 years younger than me, he wasn't that adept with the cycle as me, and for some reason, I thought it was a good idea to ride fast which forced him to try to keep up. He ended up crashing badly, it bust open his thumb. There was a lot of blood and he had to get stitches. I hate myself to date for that because it was entirely my fault.

Now, before you make up your mind to hang me, understand that most of the rivalry and behavior were unconscious and it was not constant. I taught him a lot of things directly or indirectly and he picked up fast when given a chance, but fights inevitably broke out on the smallest of triggers.

Short End of the Stick

In hindsight, I should have been (a lot) more considerate. In a lower-middle-class family, resources are scarce. Even space was limited. The priority was sustenance and education, everything else was luxury. New clothes were reserved for Puja occasions. Thankfully, we always had the essentials and PSU life ensured secured income and shelter. However, what it meant for my brother was:

• smaller study table because the bigger one was already with me
• second-hand books which had already been used by me
• used uniform
• older bi-cycle

I don't think our parents were intentionally partial but I think it was just practical to reuse stuff wherever possible so, I typically always got the things first and my brother got it second hand. This also meant that I could "choose" first and he had to put up with my choice later. In fact, the reason he ended up in IIT, Kharagpur instead of any of the other IITs despite having a better rank than me was because it was just "common sense". I am quite certain that it was the "only" objective and logical "choice" for him and it had absolutely "nothing to do" with me already being there.

Keeping Up

Looking back, I realize that the kid was only trying to grow up fast to keep up with me.

I once got into a physical fight on the playground and the other guy was stronger than me. We were rolling on the ground grappling with each other when my kid brother jumped in. It was really stupid of him and I don't think he could have helped much but it did break up the fight because fighting the 2 of us didn't seem like such a good idea to the bully. I think the united front has benefited us in many other places since then as well.

Some people think that I am the reason why my brother was good at studies (much better than me). Objectively speaking, that is extremely inaccurate. My brother has always been more sincere and hard-working. In fact, my parents can attest to the fact that during exam nights, I would go to sleep early and he would be up till late at night. As far as homework was concerned, I have enjoyed quite a bit of appreciation and (undue) credit for his academic performance but what people don't know is that he was never spoon-fed by me. If he came to me with a problem and I felt that it was doable at his level, I would send him right back without much help. Any contribution that I may have made to him doing well in his studies was purely coincidental and not necessarily intentional.

Partners for Life

I think our equation has changed quite a bit since then. Having a capable brother is probably the best blessing that I could have ever asked for. Today, he is my confidante in almost all matters personal, professional, legal, financial, etc.

• Knowing that he has a financially secure job helps me take more risks in life.
• Having a capable confidante means that I can expect to get solid (sometimes bitter) advice when I really need it without the sugar coating or niceties.
• I get to use his credit card because his "secure" job comes with many privileges :D
• I am so used to enjoying the credit for his accomplishments that I have become quite shameless about it now :D
• The way I deal with people now has surely been impacted by the training I got sharing and "caring" for a sibling.
• An added benefit is that I became "bhaiyya" for all his (very capable) friends. So, it's like having unfettered access to a huge circle of trusted and accomplished individuals, all thanks to the strength of relationships that he has built over years.

Even when I hit rock bottom and was a miserable human being to hang out with for months, I still had a firm hand constantly pulling me up, simply refusing to let go.

Concluding Thoughts

I don't think it is any coincidence that sibling bonds can be exceptionally antifragile. These are, in most cases, the longest relationships that one would have in a lifetime. Parents will leave us one day. Spouses and children come too late but sibling relations can (and should) last the longest. We can find everything from friction and fighting to loyalty, trust, camaraderie, compromise, constancy, shared values, shared memories, and companionship in such relationships.

The point of this post was not to talk about my unique situation but to remind ourselves to be mindful of the special relationships that we sometimes tend to take for granted. We get so "busy" with the trappings of adult life and responsibilities that we forget the guardian angels that we got without much conscious effort. It could be siblings, cousins, parents, or friends but we owe it to ourselves to keep nurturing the relationships that truly matter and be grateful for them.

It is not the destination or the journey that matters the most. It is the companions.

Read Next >>

I hope I could do justice to the time you have just invested. If you wish to explore more, I have linked the next article below for easy reference:

• Meditations 101

Footnotes

• Start Here
• Jeff Kluger