C'mon, World! Black Friday Special!

Happy Black Friday, shoppers!

There's simply no better way to cap a week of gratitude, community, love and togetherness than to trample your fellow humans to death to save 10 bucks on a TV.

Especially if it's a 65" Vizio. World War One was started over less.

Just look at that beauty. What a way to watch the 17th annual Fly Fishing Championships.

So, to honor Black Friday, this week's theme is...

A Salute to Stampedes Around The World.

I love a stampede. You love a stampede. Everyone loves a stampede.

Except that poor SOB at Best Buy who's last moment with us was spent in pursuit of that very same Vizio.

Gone, but never forgotten.

1) Well, in his honor, we move to the first stampede in today's feature - the Syrup Stampede in Florence, Massachusetts.

I've been looking for any excuse to give Florence, Mass some love in this newsletter. I really have. It's a cool little town nestled between Amherst and Holyoke and a bunch of other places that charge you $3.5 million a year to learn about what Catherine the Great thought about Intersectional Russian Blood Pudding in the context of Expressionist Borscht Literature.

And this stampede has an amazing mission statement:

Hell. Yeah.

I like walking. I like eating pancakes. I decidedly like feeling good.

They can keep the running. I'll gladly give that up for Lent and Ramadan.

But it's a stampede of syrup. How gloriously wonderful is that?

Pipe down, arteries. No one asked you.

And check this out...

They even have sponsors!

My goodness, people.

We get to walk, eat pancakes, feel good, but if we somehow run afoul of the law, we get to be represented by BACON in the courtroom?

If this is heaven (it is), then if I die today, I die a happy man knowing what's next.

2) Our next stampede takes us to Alexandria, Virginia, for the annual Santa Stampede.

This is less of a stampede then it is a bar crawl, and, if we're just being frank here, I don't care for its appropriation of the term stampede.

Like...hey, you, bar crawl...unless you have the lived experience of thousands of people and/or animals frantically running in one direction while trampling many others in the process, I don't think you get to just use the word whenever you please.

And don't you even think about bar crawl-splaining your way out of this one.

Because a crawl is a markedly different beast than a stampede. A crawl usually involves 30-somethings with good credit who dress up like Santas and Elves and Steve Buschemi getting drunk, going bar to bar, and by the end of the night, actually crawling.

Sometimes into an Uber. Sometimes into the arms of a welcoming stranger. Sometimes into the arms of a less welcoming deputy sheriff.

But in any event, it's not a stampede.

Now, that all changes if someone walks into this yuppie gathering and screams, "Hey, the old lady in that rent-controlled apartment just kicked. First one to the leasing office gets the unit!"

Then...well...yes. Then we'd see this:

And, that, my friends, would be well-worth the $5 price of admission.

3) Sticking with Christmas-themed stampedes, we have the Reindeer Stampede in Felton, Delaware.

This particular Reindeer stampede is being run in honor of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, as part of an anti-bullying campaign.

The reindeer who bully Rudolph should be ashamed of themselves. Bullying this poor reindeer for a physical feature outside of his control? Lazy. If you really want to bully him, call him, "Rudolf Hess the Reich-Nosed Reindeer." Three people would get it, but it would be a really sick burn if you just happened to be in a room full of history buffs.

But as for the stampede, how can we possibly have an anti-bullying campaign for an animal who we name based on the source of the bullying?

Do we call people "Mary the lazy-eyed accountant?", or "Jimmy the pot-bellied plumber?"

That's actually solid branding, now that I think about it. Would look really snazzy on a LinkedIn banner.

Jimmy, get that pot-belly on over here and fix the sink.

I think we may be onto something. Friends, gold is often struck in the unlikeliest of places. As for the stampede itself, I found it on Eventbrite as filler for this week's newsletter. I've got a brisket in the smoker and am on the clock here.

4) Moving up to Michigan, we have the annual White Pine Stampede...

There is so, so much to unpack here.

The 1988 haircuts and glasses are absolutely magnificent. Like, "I just communed with the power of the universe"-level transcendence.

And then there's the guy on the upper left who looks like he just hid a dead body in the woods. Don't worry, Skip, I won't tell.

His name has to be Skip. That's the only way any of this makes sense.

This Stampede exists to raise money for a children's hospital and is an ensemble of cross-country skiers stampeding through the wilderness of Northwest Michigan.

It's a treacherous undertaking, where you either come back with your sled...or on it. Yeah. It's pretty Spartan in that regard. Very few make it back. And those who live to tell the tale usually need a hefty serving of Bell's Oberon to recant their experiences.

That beer really sucks.

But I credit the stampeders in the great state of Michigan. They could raise money for the kids by having a lemonade stand, bikini car wash (would be on-brand with the stuck-in-1985 decor), or black tie gala in Grayling (there are some BIG TIME donors in that town...Rod just got new tires for his '89 Camaro)...but no. They risk life and limb and frostbite and hypothermia to entertain people into writing checks to cure childhood leukemia.

Not all heroes wear capes. Some ride sleds. All drink Bell's Oberon.

5) And last but certainly not least, we have perhaps the most famous Stampede of them all...the Calgary Stampede.

Yeah.

This is the Texas State Fair with a lot of well-timed, "Sorry's".

The Calgary Stampede is Canada's biggest bonanza outside the Saskatchewan mah jongg tournament.

Which is a pretty excellent donnybrook in its own right. More on that next week. It involves high-dollar wagering and aggressive bears with switchblades. God I love Canada.

If one truly wants to immerse in the Western culture of ridin', ropin', and listening to very sad music about the destruction of trucks and relationships, then this is your spot. The Calgary Stampede takes all the drama of a small-town bar in Wyoming and turns it into a tourist attraction. And it's absolutely magnificent.

I mean, look how much fun this guy's having!

If you've never stepped into a ring with a bull that's looking to stomp you to death (your mother-in-law doesn't count), I'd highly recommend it.

Enjoy your Black Friday, friends.

Shop. Eat. Drink. Be merry. And, if it's not too much trouble, possibly trample?

Nah. Stick with the eating and drinking.

Because leftover turkey is simply....

Love your wonderful faces.

________________________________________________________________________

Geoff Woliner, CEO of Winning Wit, is a?speaker?&?author?who helps organizations?de-stress through comedy.

If your colleagues have been super-stressed over the past few years and need a few laughs at your next conference, holiday party, team-building pow-wow or trip to Mickey D's...

...go to a medium and channel the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield.

But if he's busy, let's chat.

[email protected]