C’mon in! It’s nice and warm in here.

People are often surprised to learn that I am introverted. "You are comfortable opening up and are engaging," they say, genuinely confused. "Intriguing. Is that so surprising?" I tend to ponder in my work as an Executive Coach collaborating with many lovely people.

If you have been in a class or online meeting with me (or check out my profile photo here), you will immediately notice the tortoise and teal frames. Rarely does a Zoom close without someone messaging or saying, ?"I love your glasses!" ?The follow-on exchange is rich with information since I relax a bit and get enjoy sharing about things I care about: ?that the spectacles came from a fabulous shop called The Eyeglass Lass in Eastern Connecticut, with great designs like sabine be, and how much fun it is supporting small businesses. (If there is time, you might even learn that I was super excited to finally get glasses as an adult after wanting them as a kiddo!) Completely unplanned, the glasses have helped me to show and tell when integrating into a newly formed group ?and manage my heart rate back below my preferred running threshold from the ice-breaking trio of questions:

1. Where are you based?
2. What is your current role?
3. And, of course, the dreaded variations of What is something interesting about you?

The preference to develop relationships and group dynamics more organically is gaining understanding. As Monique Hebert shares, "Although no one likes being caught off-guard,?for introverts, it can be complicated to think of something to say on the fly" in her piece Dear Workplaces, Churches, and Schools: PLEASE Stop Doing Icebreakers. Signed, Introverts. Hebert expands on that, explaining, "That is because our brains are wired a little differently in this sense. In The Introvert's Advantage, Marti Olsen Laney articulates that we "quiet ones" may rely more on long-term memory as opposed to short-term or "working" memory, which makes us a little slower to gather our thoughts and speak out loud (it is because we are processing our thoughts and experiences deeply)."?In tandem with memory, recent insights point to introverts' contributions to aging with a preference for deeper but fewer social connections aligning with "social narrowing" as we age and the draw to contemplation, making it easier to develop psychological tools for processing life changes (Lipton, 2025).

Other meaningful work in this space integrating masterful humor is that of Susan Cain, who wrote Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cannot Stop Talking. Her TED Talk is linked here. She emphasizes that one out of every one, two, or three people you know are introverted. Understanding introversion is a response to stimulation (not afflictive shyness), and it can help us see the bias of environments and institutions primarily designed for extroverts (Cain, 2012). Friends, that design includes icebreakers.

As a dear colleague astutely observed recently, these structures will likely not change. She is right, of course. My recommendations are the following considering that insight:

• Introverts, maybe do some treasure hunting to see if a piece for your work nook, wardrobe, or backdrop represents a part of you that relaxes you and you enjoy sharing. It will give you time to consider what you want to share, providing a lovely invitation for your deep processing to warm.
• Extroverts, perhaps use your gift of inquiry with "quiet ones" with a longer time horizon to gain the fullness of engagement you will enjoy. (You might even invite them into planning a relationship-building activity!)
• Everyone, maybe we can reconsider early social engagement more akin to warming up as musicians and athletes do rather than presuming any ice to be broken.

References

Cain, S. (2012, March 2). The Power of Introverts. YouTube.

Hebert, M. (2024, July 10). Please stop doing icebreakers. signed, introverts. IntrovertDear.com.

Laney, M. (2013). The Introvert Advantage: How Quiet People Can Thrive in an Extrovert World. HighBridge.

Lipton, M. (2025, January 10). The Introvert Advantage. Psychology Today.

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