Clueless

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. ?– Lao Tzu

Years ago, there was a movie from a popular teen star years ago called ‘Clueless.’? It was about a daughter who grew up in Beverly Hills and was the most popular at her high school.? Then one day, she was no longer the most popular girl, and she had no clue what to do next.? But that was not why she was clueless.? It was ultimately how oblivious she was to the lifestyle afforded to her wealthy father and that there were more important things to life than being popular.? This does not have to do with necessarily being wealthy.? My youngest daughter had no idea what life was like in a smaller bungalow home like the first home my other two children were raised in, and she had opportunities the other two were not afforded because we were more stable financially then back when the other two grew up.? However, her older siblings remind her just how better off she was.? It is their way of keeping her grounded because otherwise, she would be … well … clueless.

Lately, I’ve been reading up a bit on self-awareness.? At one point, I did not think of it as a big deal.? After all, you know who you are, right?? You know what you do well as well as your fatal flaws, and you can articulate what they are.? That was me about twelve years ago.? While I had some degree of awareness, the problem was there was little feedback given that gave me a sense that I needed to get better.? However, once I got it, that was a very humbling experience, and to be honest, I too was totally clueless.? Sounds like a pretty depressing experience, right?? Wrong!? It was one of the best experiences that I ever had.? Why?? Most of what I have written in the newsletter were things that I learned after I became self-aware, and the self-awareness journey is one of the most fulfilling ones you will have.? Will it upset you?? Sometimes yes!? Will it at times make you want to crawl into a hole?? Most definitely.? Might you lose confidence a bit?? For sure!? But here is the truth of all of this.? The best leaders all had those moments and came out being … well … the best leaders!? They were at times upset about their shortcomings uncovered.? They were humbled by the fact they were not who they thought they were, and at times, questioned their own ability to either lead or get things done.? But in the end, they came out triumphant from the experience.? How?? They ask four key questions to help determine their level of self-awareness:

What are my strengths and weaknesses?

This is really simple, but often difficult to quantify into words.? Strengths are those things that we do very well without a great deal of effort.? Weaknesses are those things that require incredible effort to be made at a satisfactory level.? While we all have strengths and weaknesses, we often do not have the ability to articulate them.? A good way to understand what those strengths and weaknesses are is to take personality assessments that give an indication of what those are. I recommend StandOut (See StandOut Assessment).? Saying ‘I’m a people person’ says absolutely nothing about your ability.? Saying ‘I build trust with others by demonstrating loyalty to them, identifying and addressing their needs, and encouraging them to be better.’? That sounds like a people person with tangible abilities that draw others in. ?The best leaders always play to their strengths and manage their weaknesses.? Playing to your strength is not simply using it.? It means to identify places where it can be utilized and practiced until you have mastered it.? I have a great ability to talk, but that required additional work like listening to other great speakers, learning when to be more succinct, and impromptu speaking without any preparation.? Managing your weaknesses has its own challenges.? It?requires help from others, utilizing a system that best manages it, and a few other tips (see Handling Kryptonite for details).

Who can I trust for feedback?

There are people who know you well.? Hopefully, you have built that within your group and organization.? These might also be friends outside of your organization, relatives who want to see you successful, and peers or mentors who have observed and worked with you previously.? No, you should not include your Mom even though she might be really good at critiquing you.? These are people who both have proven over time they have your best interest at heart and will tell it like it is whether you like it or not.? You have no issue going to them asking a few key questions:

·???????? What can I do better?

·???????? What is my tragic flaw?

·???????? How did I do?

·???????? What do you think?

Their feedback is invaluable. Remember, feedback is not necessarily good or bad.? It is information.? However, a person who reports to you or is pushing for the same promotion as you are might not be the best source for candid and actionable feedback.? If you are hearing similar feedback consistently, then perhaps you have a problem.? Here is where having a trusted confidant for feedback can really help!? You might start the conversation like this: Hey!? I have heard from a couple of people that I can be too intense at meetings.? What do you think?? If they are a trusted source for feedback, they will answer with all sincerity, and may even ask some questions you had not thought of before sharing their response.

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Where am I at fault?

Accountability is a two-way street.? You cannot expect to hold others accountable unless you hold yourself to that standard as well.? A great exercise to do that is asking yourself where or how you could have handled something better.? It may have been something that went perfectly and flawlessly, and if so, ask why this was successful when similar occasions were not.? A word used years ago, and is still prevalent today is called Kaizen, which means ‘continuous improvement.’ (see the diagram below) Let’s say you have made the decision to let someone go for their overall performance.? You might go through a process of asking a list of questions:

·???????? What did I miss in the hiring process?

·???????? What conversations could I have had to be clear on their performance?

·???????? When should I have acted on this?

·???????? How could I have better helped them?

·???????? Who could have given better coaching?

This is not to say you made the wrong decision or performed poorly.? It is merely looking in the mirror and asking if there was a better way to do this.? This does not just apply to team member’s performance.? It is equally relevant to projects and even personal daily measurements.

How do I treat others who have nothing to offer me?

When you’re in a committed relationship, you have a vested interest in someone else whether it be a spouse or significant other.? However, it is easy to see who you are when it is a family member or close friend.? The real level of self-awareness lies in how you treat those who you have absolutely nothing vested in.? This is important because how you treat them is at the core of who you are.? While this might be viewed as the least to do with personal success, my retort is the most successful people make the lowest people feel like they have value.? Some people have that gift.? Others must manage it like kryptonite.? It does not mean having a twenty-minute conversation with the janitor when you are late for your anniversary dinner with your wife.? What it does mean is if the janitor is struggling with life, would you reassure them that you will find time tomorrow to talk?? It is like the Christian commandment, to love others as you love yourself. ?If you are aware of others, you are aware of your own humanity.

Knowing yourself is not as easy as it may seem.? I once told a team member, “Yes, I’m a little high maintenance, but I treat my team with the same high maintenance care I would myself because I want them to feel special.”? Self-awareness can be harsh, painful, and even depressing.? But going through the process will lead to higher achievements, excellent performance, and greater confidence in the person you are.? A famous actress (Tina Lifford) once said, “When you know yourself, you are empowered. When you accept yourself, you are invincible.”? So, let’s be willing to go through the process of becoming self-aware because no one wants to be clueless.