Closing the Business

Sorry that was an unfair headline.

We’re not.

but I’ve wanted to many times & as I sit in Hong Kong Airport before my 8th flight in 18 days, (my excuse if I’ve made no sense here) I thought the below may be helpful to someone, somewhere. 

Much is said about the game of snakes and ladders that is starting and running a small business; It’s Hard. Scary. Risky. The highs high, the lows low, the odds are so heavily stacked against us. 

In the two years it took to get to launch, the first year was quite exciting, lots of learning, no major decisions to make, no real idea what I was doing or in for, lots of reading, experimenting, coffee, research. All new & novel, low cost, low risk, fun even on the evenings and weekends.  

The second year was very different. 

Decisions, details, timings, deadlines, money, full time, all in, savings in, naysayers, got the tattoo. Will it work? Is it any good? Am I mad? 

“This will never sell a bottle” ringing in my ears. 

I give up. Don’t want to do it. Can’t do it. Too much. Too hard. Too stressful. Too many doubters. Probably won’t work. Every frikking week!

But I learnt three really important things; 

1. Personally & professionally (all the bloody same really when you’re starting a business) I’m driven by a fear of failure rather than the pursuit of success. 
2. My naivety was & continues to be my greatest asset.
3. When push comes to shove, I take responsibility, I face it & action my way through it. No shirking no shying away. 

Then launch came.

Exhale. 

I actually made it to putting liquid in a bottle and on a shelf.

Disbelief.

A new chapter. Events, invoices, deliveries, sales, bottles, f*ck.

I can’t do this. 

I didn’t expect this. 

I wasn’t prepared for this. 

This wasn’t the plan. 

Too fast. 

Out of control. 

Completely totally overwhelmed, out of my depth, comfort zone and no idea what I’m doing. 

Shall I just stop...?

It’s my company, I have no employees, I mean I’m not even on a salary or an employee of my own business. 

I could just close it. I got to launch, that was enough, do I really need to keep putting myself through this... 

I don’t want to do this - I want to close the business, retreat and climb down a ladder.

Everyday for the first six months.

I hated it.

I was constantly behind, constantly saying sorry. The positive comments, the listings, the sales made no real difference. 

I really thought, deludedly, I could control the pace and politely and quietly creep out there. 

Yes yes I know, nice problems to have, the right problems to have, the start you hope for - didn’t change the feelings though. 

The second six months it went from everyday to once a week. An improvement. But now I had a small team, an office, customers. More grown up. More pressure. More expectation. 

The next 12 months (the year of 2017) it was once a month. A crisis of confidence. Too much. I’m spent. Why am I doing this to myself. I’m exhausted. This is out of control. 

And for the last 18 months, I’m at once a quarter. I don’t know why. It has less power now. Don’t get me wrong I’m still uncomfortable, scared, faking it & feel we’re just getting started, with much to do and much to improve on.

In fact, I've not learnt my lesson (we’re just weeks away from launching our second business and in the middle of all of that crazy, unknown, scary, constantly changing game of snakes and ladders) "will it work?" "is it any good?" "are we mad?" but that's I guess what makes this game all the more thrilling; Not stopping, not settling just continuing to push the discomfort and challenge the boundaries, just now surrounded by the greatest team I'm so humbled to work with.

Exhale.

I’m not really sure what my conclusion on all the above is...

“Don’t start a business” no it’s not that. “Don’t close your business” probably not that either.

“We’re all human, we all feel, we’re just English & don’t talk about it” a bit too broad and pithy.

Maybe it’s just this...

If any of the above rings true, well, you’re not the only one & if you’re starting a business please ask people about the sh*t bits, the real bits, the bits no-one sees on Instagram. Not all the glorified & glamourised “oh yeah you can take your destiny into your hands, you’ll love the freedom, so much better than being in a big company, it’s an amazing idea, it will be amazing, you can work from home, see your kids more, make all the decisions" That's 1% of it, in my experience.

The other 99% is Hard Work & High Stress and I wouldn't change it or have it any other way. I've never felt more alive, present or aware of what I'm good at and what I'm not good at and for the wisdom of that difference, I'll always be thankful.

Peas & Love