Cloneliness

I am coining a new term: Cloneliness – the condition of making fundamental changes to self or others in order to satisfy a need for acceptance, inclusion and belonging.

I spent 4 years researching and writing a book about loneliness, only to be told by publishers that it was “too heavy” for the self-help book genre. In truth, it was always intended to be a project to help me overcome my own feelings, and I only tacked on the tips and generic ‘things you can consider for yourself’ bit on the end to justify the self-indulgence. I tried to make it conform to a norm. It didn’t; it couldn’t; and it shouldn’t.

Did I feel rejected? Yes. Excluded? Yes. Not understood? Yes. By then I had already learned how to overcome the harmful impact of those isolating factors, so it was easier for me to understand the difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

I am comfortable with my world now. I don’t need others to fully understand it. I have spent a long and happy career helping people understand their own with as much depth and breadth as is necessary for the next steps they want to take. Because it is difficult to completely understand or explain a thing that is continually evolving - that isn’t finished yet – next steps are generally the best you can do.

I value my perspective and will happily (not forcefully) share it with others. I continue to enquire, like a good coach, about the views and experiences of the people I meet because it helps us all to learn. That’s what true Learning is: finding out what works You. Everything else is Instruction.

I feel more included when asked “how do you like to work”, than being told “this is how you must work”. It was always a problem for me with formal education. It has been a problem for me with some jobs, where I have been told I “don’t belong”. To be fair, my resistance to always conform has caused problems for others too; but I don’t believe it caused them to feel lonely, as it did me, because they had the support of a wider identity (system, process, brand, culture).

I have been so lucky in my career and life to meet people with experience, knowledge and perspective that no AI would ever be able to replicate. I value each and every one of my interactions (even the difficult ones and the ones I disagree with), and those moments when I am on my own. They help me understand my world better. To fill it with what works for me. While that can, at times, highlight just how different I am, that everybody is, it doesn’t make me feel lonely anymore.

Also, I don’t feel the need to convert people to my way of thinking, believing or doing. That difference in us all is what drives innovation, discovery, learning. It is what we should be celebrating most about diversity, and making use of.

So: Learn what it is to be YOU, without having to be instructed. Embrace the unique quality of your perspective. Share it with those who will listen. And don’t be disheartened when they don’t immediately get it, or if they react likes it’s wrong: they are "clonely", and their emptiness is not a lack of connection for you to feel, it’s just a temporary lack of empathy for yours.

I hope that you come to understand, as I have, that being alone with your authentic Self, means you are always in good company.