Clean Speech Illinois Volume 2: Week 6 - Silence is Silver
[Watch the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nDVgl84f_I ]
One way to avoid saying anything painful is just to avoid saying anything. Period. Just be silent. Sometimes silence is the best policy. But people are social creatures who live in families and communities, and we thrive on communication and connection. We have so many things to share — like wisdom, advice and experience. The question is — how do we successfully speak up for the values and causes we care about? In this 30-day workbook, the goal is to learn to communicate strategically and with forethought, so that our words accomplish their intended purpose without causing adverse reactions in the mind and heart of the listener
PUT ON THE DEFENSIVE
Let’s say we’re speaking in order to explain something or persuade someone.
For example, Emma believes that everyone should only eat organic produce. When she bumps into her neighbor Hannah at the grocery store, that’s her chance to finally convince her.
“Anyone eating non-organic vegetables these days is crazy,” she says. “You’re poisoning yourself and your family!”
In Emma’s zeal to convince Hannah, she starts by criticizing her. Hannah’s reaction is to become defensive. Her mind starts working on creative arguments to counter the attack:
#1- You don’t know what you’re talking about.
#2- You’re crazy for accosting people at the supermarket.
#3- You’re not so healthy either.
And with all Emma’s best intentions to share her helpful advice with her neighbor, she completely undermined her own efforts.
That’s onas devarim, and instead of convincing Hannah, she pushed her further away. Their friendship went down a notch, and Hannah’s not buying any organics.
“People are often carried away by passions when discussing things of great importance to them.” — Michael Austin, We Must Not Be Enemies: Restoring America’s Civic Tradition
?GO FOR GOLD
Try the softer, more respectful approach that doesn’t come on so strong:
“I know the non-organics are often less expensive. Maybe you haven’t seen some of the data. I just read this amazing article. Can I share it with you?” “Sure. Send me a link. Thanks, Emma. Nice to bump into you.”
Now Hannah appreciates that Emma cared enough to mention it to her. And who knows what vegetable aisle she’ll choose next week? Maybe the organics.
Try This at Home:?Today, practice effective speech without?onas devarim. Take note of the emotional reaction of whomever you’re speaking to. Are your words and tone helping or hurting you make your case