Clausewitz on Wine

”Have you ever read Clausewitz on War, Matthias?” Said the head waiter for want of a title. He was forty three, balding and walked with a slight limp. “No I can’t say I have.” Said the holiday waiter, twenty two, blond and fresh as a newly made bed. “It’s the bible for waiters. Has everything you want to know about how to handle diners. Don’t they teach you anything at university? How about The Art of War by that Chinese philosopher?” “ No, it’s all marketing. But I thought we were here to make them feel at home and all comfortable.” “Comfortable? Is that a word in your Philip Kotler textbook” “Yes. I mean no. You know Kotler” “ Saw it sticking out of your bag. Comfortable my foot, why they ain’t comfortable at all at home, and if they ain’t comfortable at home, why should they be here?” “Oh.” “Yes, you might articulate an Oh, but it is deep. You have to know how to make the best out of situations.” “What might those be?” “Ok, let’s take that couple there. They will order large servings. But only he will try to finish everything, she will leave three quarters. The French fries will be left and most of the steak, unless the greedy bastard helps out.” “That couple over there are strictly diet types. They eat? balanced yoghurt? and sticks of carrots” “Those over there will wolf everything down.” “That man over there near the lamp will be your snacks and beer type.” “Those will be fussy. Too fussy.” “It goes on like that. We want them to get onto the wine or beer quickly.” “Why’s that?” “Matthias firstly that’s where the money is, they can spend easily more than the meal on the drinks, and once drunk they are putty in the hands of a good waiter. Putty.” “How do you do that?” “Firstly you go up and explain to them the evening menu. Make sure you labour every detail. Think of it as a case study or something. Give them drama and the ultimate bullshit. Try to get them to go for the lamb tonight. While you are giving them your little performance, size up the parties involved. Who is an alpha and who is a beta? If there is dissent over the meal choices, divide them. Play them off against each other. Make sure that you have it right, otherwise it could backfire.

Use every trick in the book to get them to go for what you want them to have. Eye contact can work on betas; the strategic sigh or clearing of throat, get irritated when they dawdle, drum your fingers. Develop a nervous tic that goes off on the wrong choice. Once they have ordered the main course. Now move in with “Would you like anything to drink?” They will look at the drinks menu and some will need assistance. You assist. Start with the wine the boss wants to flog. These wines there and there. These were bought dirt cheap from a supplier. They are terrible, terrible wines. How do you sell them those? Well here is a strategy. I want you to go over to that table and ask them if they want something to drink. Notice his beer gut. A football fan made good. He has his own business and is tight as hell. He demands service. Likes everything right and tidy. His partner on the other hand wants to spend more, to decorate, to be more ambitious with the meals and try things new. If she only had the opportunity. Give him a beer is like giving a dog a bone. But tonight he will drink a bottle of this terrible white wine from Italy. You start with her. Give her the drinks menu. She is your target. Stay with her. Tell her that tonight’s house wine was especially imported for the restaurant from a region in Northern Italy. Watch his reaction at being sidelined. He will ask for a drinks menu. You look for one, but give her time to choose the wine you chose for her. When you come back she will say that she would like a glass, now without turning to him, stay with her, tell her that a half bottle would be better and cheaper. Make sure he hears that. Cheaper. He is taken in. He agrees because he is taking her out. The beer is at home waiting for him in the fridge. So bring the bottle.

Tell them that half a bottle is here. Use a marker and mark roughly half the bottle. The husband will complain, but she won’t want to make a scene. She will this evening rule. You charm her and she feels more confident in saying no to him. The bottle is on the table now. Go on then Matthias. Off you go.” Everything goes according to plan. “Well done, notice that as a beer drinker he will drink that plonk as if there is no tomorrow. Just watch him knock the glasses back. Soon the bottle will be devastated and he will want more. Their main course will not arrive yet – make sure it does not – reheat it if necessary.” “What happens after they have finished the bottle?” “Here we go for the more expensive wines in their price bracket of course. Try this one and this one. Remember go for her. She is the beta. Charm her again. It’s all about the excitement of the new. Tell them that this wine is superior and very popular with the more discriminating clientele having featured on television, etc, etc. Keep it white though. He will complain about the tardiness of the main course. Ask her if she is enjoying the wine. She will be half-pissed now. He will have drunk the lion’s share. Offer her water as we don’t want them as drunk as skunks. Offer the water here and here. Off you go.”

Everything goes off without a hitch. “Excellent. Once they have finished the second bottle get the lamb over to their table. The more irritated they are, the more they will drink. Now once the lamb is on the table. Move in with this Serbian wine. Talk it up to high heaven and tell them absolutely nothing else goes with it. Nothing. Again concentrate on the beta. He looks well on the way. Pour water in his glass.” They finish the lamb and the red. “Fantastic, offer the following dessert. We want them to go for the Irish coffee with the finest whiskey. They will be bloated after the lamb, drunk, and ready for coffee. Go to it.” Works perfectly, but… “He is complaining about the bill. He can’t understand how he ordered a meal that should cost three hundred kroner for both of them, ballooned into a meal costing over more than one thousand kroner.” “Leave him to me.”?

Another evening, and the two are discussing a guest, a single businessman, a managerial type, clean-cut and looks as if he knows everything there is to know about ordering meals and drinks. He is in short one of those terrible customers called made-up-my-minds-about-everything type. There is not much leeway with them. They also can be downright annoying over service and other matters. “He is a difficult type. He has gone for the steak. Feels on safe territory there. He can complain about its rawness etc. He will order red wine, no doubt about it. He is a wannabe connoisseur of wine, one who will invite friends over to hear him bore them silly about viniculture and fermentation processes. He is someone who needs a valuable lesson in life. A wine snob is one of nature’s worse creatures. Truly a fucking monster. What I want you to do Matthias is to offer these reds and I want you to ignore this one and this one. He will choose this red here. Give him a taster from the bottle. Show him the label. He will make a song and dance out of it to the imaginary audience. Once you have done that. Hold back with his steak. When he is in the middle of working on his laptop, and his glass is left idle – I shall pounce. Watch and observe.” The businessman is skyping to Hong Kong about a batch that has not arrived yet. While he is conversing with Mr. Yang of Velvet Lifestyle Incorporated Hong Kong, the waiter walks over with the poise of a heron. Then in one second it seems, as if the glass was a duckling, he swoops down on it and empties the contents with a splash ?into a small? empty ice bucket. “What the fuck – no Mr. Yang not you – I’ll get back – it is the waiter – what is it? Are you insane?” “No, Sir the waiter who served you this wine should be sacked. Holiday staff you know.” “The wine is fine. It’s a 2003 and it lives up to its reviews.” “Reviews Sir, it is poison. It is simply exécrable.” “Execrable?” “No, exécrable .”? “But, it has that taste, it has that bass in flavor.” “Bass, musical are we, ?it can go much lower, much lower Sir, to the very bottom of a cesspit.” “But I thought.” “ One should not think Sir, let us do the thinking, that boy, that waiter was not thinking at all, he has not learnt his lessons. He has to pull up his socks or else. This travesty. This tragedy. It is exécrable.” “Execrable.” “No Sir, you have to pronounce it like this, look at my lips. Exé- cra- ble.” ?“Exé- cra- ble” ?“Perfect Sir, perfect, we will make a Frenchman of you soon.” “What about the wine? What do you suggest?”? “I would suggest this Serbian red. It is adventurous, one which surprises the palate. It has what we call in the trade the combo – it starts at the lips, as you taste the texture of the grape, its rosiness, and then with the tingle of the teeth, before launching a full scale attack on the palate – like opera Sir. Opera.” “Opera, like Wagner?”? “Yes, I can see you have a fine discriminating taste. I will send your waiter over immediately with a bottle of the Serbian red, you deserve nothing less.” “Thank you, thank you. I am sorry if I was abrupt with you earlier.” “Don’t mention it, I can see your Chinese colleague is ringing again. Business is business. I wish you a pleasant meal. The steak will I am sure meet your expectations.” “Thank you.”

The waiter goes to the younger waiter who had been observing through the kitchen door. “Take the Serbian red to him now. Mission accomplished.” “How do you do it?” “Clausewitz. If you look at the tables as enemy territory and the beta as allies or weak defences, then you can adapt your strategy of attack. You must never go into the territory too deeply. Never sit down, and always be ready to return to the kitchen to recoup your senses. The best approach is either the full frontal assault on the guests (metaphorically of course – no physical force!) and attack their arguments or resistance where they are strongest or small incursions. ?In his case it was his knowledge of wine needed a sudden strong assault. If you can undermine that confidence he has, then you can rally yourself for smaller punitive attacks that allow for defense and continuation of the offensive. I took his glass. It was a bold and swift maneuver that almost KOed him. This was a symbol of his knowledge. Once that was removed. His queen was gone. He was lost as soon as the wine hit the bottom of the ice bucket. Next I undermined his linguistic skills. This was an example of amplifying the strategy. Extending it horizontally. Are you getting this? Anyway go and take the Serbian to him. Study his reaction. The wine is vile. But in his mind it is now superior to the other wine which we know to be actually better all round. He would have stayed with that glass of wine as if it were for consecration. Toyed with it throughout eating his steak and finished it after the meal. We cannot have that. Now he will slug back glasses of the Serbian. We might even get him on this brandy, here and here. Indeed I see a complete surrender this evening. I hope his sales are on the up and up.” “It seems cynical.” “It’s a cynical business selling yourself. We are the prostitutes with bottles.”The waiter takes the Serbian to the table and reports back. “His initial reaction was as if he drank piss, then his face tightened up, as if…” As if he needed to believe in his knowledge.” “Exactly.” “Well we should drink to this. I have some of the finer stuff in the cellar with our names on it. We shall have a glass to celebrate your graduation. Well done Matthias”