Claudia Schiffer’s Knickers
It’s 2010 and I’m offshore carrying out a riser inspection on a twin platform in the British Sector of the North Sea. An arduous task this one, a rope access workscope and every abseil from the Spider Deck to the ‘splash zone’ means ‘jugging’ back up the rope, and there are lots of risers to inspect. I’m wearing a diver’s dry suit, which is an additional complication, but at that stage in my career it’s not a problem and at least it keeps me warm and dry.
Working with a fantastic Dutchman the trip is hard work but an utter pleasure and during our times creating the all-important inspection reports we chat about this, that, and a bit of the other. I’m not sure how we got onto the Top Gear TV program, but I remember mentioning the interview with Michael Gambon, who’s even had a corner on their track named after him. Mr G is famous for not liking reporters and his dislike of being interviewed. Michael admits to chucking lies their way and taking some delight in reporters gobbling up whatever made-up rubbish he threw to them. He recounted a story where, during the opening night of Sleepy Hollow, Johnny Depp had a bet with him that he couldn’t work the phrase “Claudia Schiffer’s knickers” into every answer he gave. “Did you win?” he was asked, “Oh yes, easy” was his reply.
It’s a bit naughty, but I can now reveal to the world that every single report we sent in from our inspection that trip had the phrase “Claudia Schiffer’s knickers” in there somewhere.
Here’s the thing….
BREAKING NEWS: Lots of documentation at work isn’t read. It’s ‘looked at’, but it isn’t read.
In the above instance it didn’t matter, but there are some rather serious instances where this phenomenon is inherently dangerous.
Take my current contract, offshore again. This platform has been here for decades, and the tasks are often routine and repetitive, done many times over the month and years, but that’s the ‘C’ word creeps in…
COMPLACENCY
I’m charged with the task of supervising a Confined Space Entry workscope, using industrial rope access on a platform in the North Sea. I’m not one to over dramatize my work, but the fact of the matter is that this is an extremely high-risk job. There’s so much that could go wrong and it’s my job to identify all the hazards and work out a safe method to ensure first and foremost that all my guys go home in the same condition they were in when they arrived. Completing the job is secondary to that, as is any other operational activity onboard.
Having stopped this job I've received a rather unpleasant barrage of words about “Boats coming in” and other workscopes that would be affected by bringing our work to a grinding halt. I politely advised the gentleman concerned that I wasn’t interested if King Charles was arriving later that day, until my safety concerns were addressed none of my team was entering the Confined Space. Mentally looking skywards, I’ve been here before.
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So, what happened?
It’s all about Claudia Schiffer’s knickers again!
Complacency has worked its way into the system and the platform crew didn’t read certain documents, they merely ‘looked at them’. It should be no surprise that a platform document titled Rescue Plan, with no detail of exactly how it’s going to be carried out, isn’t a Rescue Plan. It’s a piece of paper with Rescue Plan written on it, and that’s not the same.
I’ve seen this many times and wanted to bring this your attention as it’s far too common place. The thing is, the only reason things haven’t gone pear shaped here is that they’ve been lucky and never had to implement this ‘faux plan’. I’d hate to see the results of a serious incident and the headless chicken, panic mode response I’ve seen before when things go wrong.
So folks, embrace the good ‘C’ word – CONSISTENCY and banish the bad one, COMPLACENCY. Ensure the principal that NO JOB IS SO IMPORTANT THAT IT CANNOT BE DONE SAFELY is actually adhered to, not just mentioned during an induction. One of the most dangerous phrases there is at work is "We've always?done?it this way". I truly hate that one.
It’s been very unpleasant over the past few days here. Making waves offshore isn’t popular! It takes great strength of character to say “No” sometimes. Everyone should endeavour to avoid this situation and not rely on people speaking up, as most won’t.
Pointing at a corpse and saying “I told you so” isn’t a place I want to be, ever. I’m either famous, infamous or is it notorious(?) for being an absolute stickler for safety and I’m not about to change.
Stay safe folks, and make sure you go home to your loved ones!