"The Classified Adventures of Owl", Series 5, Ch. 4- "An EXCELLENT conceited Tragedie" in which Owl Meets his Nemesis the Laughing Owl

Introducing: Belle Poire Helene, the Laughing Owl, Code name Witch, the newest recruit of O.W.L. (Owl Woo-Woo unLimited, NZ Branch) and Owl's nemesis.

Laughing owl (Sceloglaux albifacies), last seen in 1914

John Gerrard Keulemans - Ornithological Miscellany. Volume 1 https://www.nzbirds.com/KeulemansOMLaughingOwlLg.html

Photo: Te Papa, Museum of New Zealand. Collected 1881, possibly Stewart Island, New Zealand. Exchanged 1963. 

The Laughing Owl (Sceloglaux albifacies) also known as whēkau or the white-faced owl, was an endemic owl of New Zealand. The species belonged to the monotypic genus Sceloglaux ("scoundrel owl", probably because of the mischievous-sounding calls), although recent genetic studies indicate that it belongs with the boobook owls in the genus  Ninox. The Maori name is ruru.

Story so far:

We last left our intrepid Morepork Owl and his 14 Cohort Owls from all over New Zealand at the top of the radio transmitter of the Sky Tower, about to go on another wild mission into the World Wide Wood (www.). But just before lift-off he received an urgent message from an owlet of Brown Owl (Head of O.W.L.) by Owl Woo-Woo Transmission. A plot had been discovered arranged by fellow travellers, bankers and some of Horny and P-Hooty's Operative Owls. Owl must flee to the top of a very large leafy tree with his family and go into witness protection.

Our Morepork Owl (Ninox novaeseelandiae) has now been on a very long 'holiday' with his new family, Belle Epoque and new Owlet daughter Leafy Green, in the FBI (Fairly Bloody Irritating) Witness Protection Programme (WPP). His capture of Horny Owl and P-Hooty and his Band has made him some enemies [see previous chapters].

After Brown Owl got wind of the plot against her most-reviled yet most popular operative, she seized her opportunity to send him to Coventry, a rather nondescript melting ice floe in the Southern Ocean. She was sad, yet happy, then sad but happy again. Then she smiled. She had an idea.

Tantalising reports suggested there might be a small population of thought-to-be-extinct Laughing Owl surviving in the Lewis Pass. One day a Laughing Owl (Sceloglaux albifacies) peeked out of the NZ Bush in the Hundred Acre Wood and, ever the opportunist, Brown Owl recruited her while Owl's back was turned into Owl Woo-Woo unLimited (O.W.L., NZ Branch). She named her Belle Poire Helene (Ed: yes, you heard right, another Belle!). Her pale-face, love of white mice, her mellifluous colourful call of #metoowittoowoo has already made ultra-violet and infra-red waves in the Branch and she shows promise. Brown Owl is pleased ["that Owl's become too wild and A-WOWL and needs to be reined in!"]. She wants to show him that he's not indispensable to O.W.L. Some healthy competition would be good for him so she's arranged a meeting in the Lewis Pass under a balcony of trees.

Owl: [to self preparing to land in the Lewis Pass] I'll just do my OWLS check: Obstacles, Wind direction, Length of surface, Surface condition and type. BUMMMFITCHH! All good, brakes on, claws out, silent swoop.....Mmmppfff! Switching off headlights]. https://youtu.be/SAz1L8DlvBM

Title page of the first edition

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Belle Helene is the sun. [to self: mmm, Belle Poire Helene, she's a looker but a bit pear-shaped for my taste. My missus Belle Epoque is going to go moon-faced and envious over her. She's already tired of witness protection and revolving around me! And Leafy Green's been a bit unwell lately].

It is my lady, O, it is my love! O, that she knew she were! She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks: Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having some business, do entreat her eyes to twinkle in their spheres till they return. What if her eyes were there, they in her head? The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars, as daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven would through the airy region stream so bright that birds would sing and think it were not night. See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!

Belle Helene: Eh? [to self: #metoowittoowoo Hark, is this the narcissistic Owl of whom I've heard so much from my saviour Brown Owl, Head of Troupe?]

Romeowl: [to self: Is she a Red Sparrow? I've been warned about them. P-Hooty had quite a few of these vicious creatures in his entourage]

An 1870 oil painting by Ford Madox Brown depicting the play's famous balcony scene.

She speaks: O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art as glorious to this night, being o'er my head as is a winged messenger of heaven unto the white-upturned wondering eyes of mortals that fall back to gaze on him when he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds and sails upon the bosom of the air].

Belle Helene: O Romeowl, Romeowl! wherefore art thou Romeowl? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Laughing Owl, Sceloglaux albifacies but a ninox albifacies.

Romeowl [Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Rosa gallica Evêque, painted by Redouté

Belle Helene: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not the same species in the genus Ninox. What's a genus Ninox? it is nor wing, nor claw, Nor arm, nor lamp eyes, nor any other part belonging to an Owl. O, be some other name! What's in a name? that which we call a Owl by any other name would smell as sweet; So Romeowl would, were he not Romeowl call'd, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title.

Romeowl, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee take all myself.

New Zealand ruru or owl (commonly called morepork) taken on the Heaphy Track, New Zealand, between Saxon and James Macky huts.

By Mosborne01 - Own work, CC0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=8838120

Romeowl: I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptised; Henceforth I never will be Romeowl, a Ninox novaeseelandiae of Strigidae.

Belle Helene: What Owl art thou that thus bescreech'd in night so stumblest on my counsel?

Romeowl: By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: my name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it is an enemy to thee; had I it written, I would tear the word.

Belle Helene: My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound: Art thou not Romeowl, a Ninox novaeseelandiae of Strigidae?

Romeowl: Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.

Act I scene 1: Quarrel between Capulets and Montagues - Sir John Gilbert

Belle Helene: How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?The orchard walls are high and hard to climb, and the place death, considering who thou art, if any of my O.W.L. colleagues find thee here.

[ A small distraction: Prokofiev: Romeo and Juliet, No 13 Dance of the Knights (Valery Gergiev, LSO: https://youtu.be/Z_hOR50u7ek ]

Romeowl: With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls; For stony limits cannot hold love out, and what love can do that dares love attempt; therefore our fellow travellers are no let to me.

Belle Helene: If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

Romeowl: Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye than twenty of their beaks: look thou but sweet, and I am proof against their enmity.

Belle Helene: I would not for the world they saw thee here.

Romeowl: I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight; and but thou love me, let them find me here: my life were better ended by their hate, than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.

Belle Helene: By whose direction found'st thou out this place?

Romeowl: Twas Brown Owl who first did prompt me to inquire; she lent me counsel and I lent her eyes. I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far as that vast shore wash'd with the farthest sea, I would adventure for such merchandise.

St Heliers Bay: Auckland, NZ (Self)

Belle Helene: Merchandise? WTF? Why art thou, I mean, why are you talking in that strange dialect? Its nighttime or you would see me blushing. What have I said? Do you love me? If you say yes, you might be faking. Be honest, Romeowl. Or if you think I'm a slut, I'll be a bit cross and you won't get anything! To tell the truth (whatever truth is), I'm only in lust. Sorry. But don't think I'm easy.

Romeowl: Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear that tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops----

Belle Helene: O, shut up Owl. Don't get all sloppy about the moon on me in case I think you're as fickle! Lets do it!

Image: Pixabay

Romeowl: [mounting] What shall I swear by?

Belle Helene: Don't swear; or, if you must, ruffle your feathers and look like a god; that'll do it for me and I'll believe you, not!

Romeowl: If my heart's dear love-----

Belle Helene: Well, don't swear: OK, though you're pretty cute, this has stopped being fun: you're too pushy, too sudden like lightning, Sweet, good night! This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet (sighs). Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest come to thy heart as that within my breast!

Romeowl: O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

Belle Helene: What more satisfaction do you want to-night? You're not getting more sex, Owl.

Hoo do you think I am?

Romeowl: The exchange of thy love's 'faithful vow' for mine.

Belle Helene: You've had all your getting tonight, Owl: and.... yet.... I'm a bit tempted.

Romeowl: Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?

Belle Helene: But to be frank, and give it thee again. And yet I wish but for the thing I have:

My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.

[Brown Owl calls within]

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu! Anon, good Brown Owl! Sweet Strigidae, be true. Stay but a little, I will come again.

[Exit, above]

Romeowl: O blessed, blessed night! I'm scared. Being in night, all this is but a dream, too good to be true, methinks.

[Re-enter above]

Belle Helene: Three words, dear Romeowl, and good night indeed. If you want to be honourable, thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow by one o'clock. I'll come to you; and all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay And follow thee my lord throughout the world.

Brown Owl: [Within] Madam!

Belle Helene: I come, anon.-- But if thou mean'st not well, I do bescreech thee--

Brown Owl: [Within] Madam!

Belle Helene: I'M COMING, DON'T SCREECH!--to cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief: to-morrow will I send.

Romeowl: So thrive my soul--

Belle Helene: A thousand times good night!

[Exit, flys off above]

Romeowl: A thousand times the worse, to want thy light. Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books, But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.[Retiring]

[Re-enter Belle Helene, above]

Alexandre Cabanel - Echo

Belle Helene: Hist! Romeowl, hist! O, for a falconer's voice to lure this fool and competitor of mine back again! Bondage is hoarse, and may not speak aloud else would I tear the cave where Echo lies, and make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine with repetition of my Romeowl's name.

Romeowl: It is my soul that calls upon my name: how silver-sweet sound lovers' tongues by night like softest music to my ears!

Belle Helene: Romeowl!

Romeowl: My dear?

Belle Helene: At what o'clock to-morrow shall I send to thee?

Romeowl: At the hour of nine.

Belle Helene: I will not fail: 'tis twenty years till then. I have forgotten why I did call thee back.

Auf dem Balkon (on the balcony), by Oscar Bluhm

Romeowl: Let me stand here till thou remember it.

Belle Helene: I shall forget, to have thee still stand there, remembering how I love thy company.

RomeOwl: And I'll still stay, to have thee still forget, forgetting any other home but this.

Belle Helene: 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone: and yet no further than a wanton's bird who lets it hop a little from her hand, like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves, and with a silk thread plucks it back again, so loving-jealous of his liberty.

Romeowl: I would I were thy bird.

Belle Helene: Sweet, so would I: yet I should kill thee with so much cherishing. Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.

[A small diversion: Nureyev & Fonteyn dance the Balcony scene from The Royal Ballet's Romeo & Juliet, choreography Kenneth MacMillan, 1966] https://youtu.be/-oc_GvdFen0

[Exit above]

Poster: {{LOC-image|id=var.0645}} == Licensing == {{PD-US}}

Maungatautari Ecological Island Trust

Romeowl: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast! Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest! Hence will I to Brown Owl her help to crave, and my dear happiness to tell.

[Exit]

Thanks to Will Shakespeare as he turns in his grave: https://www.sparknotes.com/nofear/shakespeare/romeojuliet/page_92/

Next Week: Owl meets the Time & Influence Machine and twigs to the fact that Belle Helene is a deep fake.

Pamela is an Auckland writer who has just completed her Masters in Conflict and Terrorism Studies and is awaiting final results. She is a former lawyer, psychotherapist and executive coach.

She loves owls, ballet, black cats, hot air balloons, witches and wizards, Shakespeare, metaphors, memes, magical realism, reading, walking around lakes, carnivals, carousels, circuses, bals masque, Fiat cars, surrealism, Mozart, opera, dragons, cheongsams, sky rockets, turkish delight, riding on her broomstick and travelling in her imagination.