City of Melbourne Bans Shared e-Scooters Due to Human Error, Prepares to Ban Cars for Similar Offences

In a bold and unprecedented move, the Melbourne City Council has decided to ban e-scooters from the streets due to rampant rule-breaking, none of which has anything to do with the scooters themselves. City officials cited concerns such as riders not wearing helmets, doubling up on the scooters, and creating general mayhem on the footpaths.

“It’s clear that the scooters are the problem,” said Lord Mayor Nic Off, overlooking the fact that scooters are inanimate objects incapable of decision-making. “If these scooters weren’t so tempting to use without a helmet or with a friend on board, we wouldn’t have these issues.”

The decision has raised eyebrows among those who argue that perhaps the council should focus on the behaviour of individuals rather than ban the devices entirely. Critics of the move point out that if similar logic were applied to other forms of transportation, the city would soon see the end of cars, bicycles, and perhaps even walking.

“If Cars Were Treated Like Scooters”

Imagine the chaos if every car was pulled off the road due to the actions of a few reckless drivers. Cars would be banned because people sometimes speed, run red lights, or park illegally. Obviously, the car is at fault in these situations.

“Every time a car drives the wrong way down a one-way street, it’s clear that the car is the problem,” a hypothetical statement might read. “These vehicles are too tempting for people who want to speed or park where they shouldn’t. The only solution is to ban them all.”

The War on Scooters Continues

E-scooters have joined the ranks of other notorious public menaces like frisbees, skateboards, and those plastic tricycles kids love to ride too close to the road. The scooters, which offer a convenient, eco-friendly way to navigate the city, have been treated as if they are single-handedly responsible for an impending urban apocalypse.

“It’s obvious that the problem isn’t people not following the rules; it’s the existence of things that could potentially be used incorrectly,” said one sarcastic observer. “If we just ban everything, the city will finally be a safe place.”

A World Without Responsibility

The council’s decision to ban e-scooters instead of addressing human behaviour sets a precedent for a city where accountability is outsourced to objects. If this trend continues, Melbourne could soon be a place where cars, bicycles, and even pedestrians are banned, simply because people sometimes misuse them.

In the meantime, the city council is reportedly considering bans on all sports equipment (due to injuries), cutlery (due to potential stabbings), and chairs (because someone once tripped over one). After all, inanimate objects are the real culprits in a world where personal responsibility is just too much to ask.

This is a parody...Sometimes, humour is the best way to make sense of something that makes no sense.