The Circularity of Wisdom

One Sunday morning every month, I have the privilege of facilitating an intergenerational women’s group at my synagogue in Brooklyn. Women, ranging in age from their early thirties to their late eighties sit together, IRL and talk, deeply and thoughtfully.?

Though not necessarily by design, our backgrounds run the gamut. Some have survived wars overseas while others were born and raised in Brooklyn. Some are mothers and some are child-free; some are single, divorced, or married; some currently work outside the home, some never have and some are recently retired. Our commonalities include our female and Jewish identities, and unsurprisingly, we all worry about the future. (We come to this honestly!) Yet, in the sanctity of the space we’ve collectively created, we are able to explore, share, and navigate the phases of our lives.

One of the many beauties of the group is that as we attempt to relate to one another, we are not related to one another like a family. Without the emotional complexity and charge of family relationships, we offer one another the chance to ask questions, challenge, and practice difficult conversations. Through this more objective lens, we foster deeper understanding, compassion and perspectives that we may apply to ourselves, our families, and friends.??

As I witness and experience the kinship and bonds between women of generations, I realize its glaring absence in our privatized, highly individualized culture. Despite our societal progress, I find myself romanticizing the shtetls of yore, imagining communities where interactions between young and old are woven into the fabric of daily lives; communities where elders impart their wisdom, offer perspective, and supplement parents’ responsibilities with the unconditionality, presence, and patience captured through their decades of life experience.

And these benefits are far from one-sided. Children could interact, energize, and introduce youthful curiosity and awe to their elders, encouraging them to reflect and reexamine long held mindsets. Similarly, in our group, older women express their vulnerabilities and yearn for the perspectives and insights of the younger women. “How do you manage the demands of modern-day parenting? How would you prefer a mother in law to give advice? Do you feel burdened by or obligated to care for your aging parents? Can you explain gender fluidity?”?

Wisdom can—and perhaps should be—circular in nature. ??

As we reflect on the many influences on our adult selves, I can’t help but consider the many “influencers” in social media and beyond who impact our teens' sense of themselves. Developmentally, teens seek relationships outside of their homes, emotionally separate from their parents, and begin to form their own identities—an ideal time when they too greatly benefit from a close relationship with an elder female, be it a teacher, coach, mentor, or grandmother. Ideally, such connections would counteract the otherwise barrage of negative cultural messages young women receive about aging. As any Sephora shopper could tell you, the beauty industry targets Gen Z with skincare products to combat or at least offset the culturally maligned narratives around getting or appearing old. To be in the company of women in their seventies and eighties who are grateful, strong, and engaged in the world is refreshing and inspiring. These women beautifully embody the sageness that only comes with age.?

So, if we are to model the world we want to see in our families and in our communities, cultivating intergenerational relationships? is one way to do so. It benefits everyone, old and young.?

I’ll be writing more on this topic as our group continues, but for now, I want to plant the seed and encourage your teen and you to foment a friendship or mentorship with an elder. Or, at the very least, drop a reminder if you have an elderly parent or special person in your life—call them!?

Free excerpt: The Dilemma du Jour?

To celebrate the first anniversary of the publication of my book, When Worry Works, I'm sharing the first chapter with the world. If you haven’t read it, read it here in a PDF file. As always, I appreciate your thoughts so don’t hesitate to reply with any questions or comments.

If your teen is struggling with academic anxiety…?

As we near the end of the school year, so many kids I know are feeling stressed about the workload. So I thought it might be helpful to resurface my Psychology Today article about the four building blocks of academic stress—and when parents should be concerned.?

Take care,?

Dana?