Be a Circuit Breaker: The Vital Role of Emotional Wholeness in Supporting Others

Many organisations have started highlighting the importance of empathy and compassion in leadership. But there is a reason why people struggle to be empathic and compassionate leaders. During my emotional intelligence training sessions, I witness a consistently recurring pattern: participants want more help for themselves so that they can have more capacity to help others. This confirms why I train the way I do.

When designing my training sessions for Eyes Up Training Limited, I always ensure that my participants learn about emotional intelligence while engaging with their own emotions. I always give them a generic unpleasant situation that we unpack and process during the training. Through this self-directed and self-explorative approach, participants often realise that their own struggles are the limiting factor in helping others wholeheartedly. Many times, participants told me that they struggle to engage with the emotions of others because they don’t know how to deal with their own.

This confirms my experience in my life. I always loved helping people. I could see people’s potential and their challenges. But my approach to helping them was not working. I later realised that my approach to helping was full of unhelpful coping mechanisms that I had developed as a response to unprocessed emotional pain. Thinking I was doing the right thing, I unconsciously passed on what wasn’t working for me either. I also realised that my approach did not allow others to be fully present because I needed to avoid becoming triggered when someone expressed intense emotions. My wife can tell you many stories about that. Whenever she expressed feelings and emotions, I went into fixing mode. I tried to give her my coping mechanisms so that her feelings go away. I now know my approach was not about helping her but protecting myself. Because I found it hard to be present with my own emotions, I could not allow others to be present with theirs around me.

My deep desire to help others became a working engine when I learned to deal constructively and purposefully with my unpleasant emotions. The inner healing and stability I found built a rock inside of me on which I could stand safely. Because of the safe place within myself, I became able to create non-judgemental safe spaces for others empathically and compassionately. It started in my marriage and family and has become an offer to organisations and leaders.

Through the emotionally safe learning spaces I create, I realise that many others have similar challenges. I remember a comment somebody once made on one of my posts. They expressed that they would not be interested in helping others with their emotions because they struggle enough with themselves. A comment like this is both admirable and heart-breaking. Admirable because the person knows their limits and is willing to set unpopular boundaries; heart-breaking because I know it does not have to be that way. When I offer short workshops focusing on helping others, I often hear things like, “I think I need to learn this for myself first.” My heart cries out, “YES!”

Those moments make me question a popular notion: Leaders don’t want to change and learn about emotions and emotional intelligence. I agree; a select few don’t. But do we ask why? Often, the reason is a deep-rooted fear of not knowing how to handle what might come to light. That is understandable because without psychological safety, going down into the dark cave of your heart feels unpredictable. When much is at stake, I understand everyone who does not want to go there. If that is you, please know that there is a way out.

And to those who believe in those notions, I see you, too, because you are likely also struggling with your emotional world and wish that those leaders would be equipped to help you. Unfortunately, they often can’t help you the way you would need it.

Helping those leaders and employees requires an empathic, compassionate, and psychologically safe approach. Let’s not forget that we are all humans with limits and needs. We have backstories, some of which are filled with grief and trauma. So, please don’t judge people by their behaviour; understand their hearts first.

Also, let’s not wait for others to make their step to inner wholeness; let us be the ones who seek wholeness to share wholeness. Anyone of us in the cycle of relationships can be a circuit breaker that changes the narrative for everyone.

You don’t need a position, title, or large following. Spreading wholeness begins with you and the people around you—your spouse, children, wider family, colleagues, and leaders.

Raise your hand; who wants to find wholeness to share wholeness? Who would like to invest in their emotional intelligence and wholeness to be a power for good? Let's talk, and please make your desire known to me. I have some fantastic things in the pipeline for next year.

I am Sven Lauch, Emotional Logic coach and Emotional Intelligence Trainer. My company Eyes Up Training Limited offers Emotional Intelligence training and coaching. We specialise in working with organisations and leader that face traumatic situations and incidents regularly.