The Circle Theory

On a Monday afternoon in August, I was invited to attend a vendor's training session a few blocks away from the renowned Sarit Center in Westlands, Nairobi. The meeting was scheduled to take place at the company's headquarters, and to be presentable, I dressed in a navy blue suit, a sky-blue shirt, and a tie, exuding confidence and sharpness.

I arrived just in time, took the elevator, and proceeded directly to the room number listed in the email invitation. After exchanging cordial greetings and brief conversations with other attendees, the meeting began in about five minutes. Seated around the table were the CEO and all the directors, all present for the quarterly business review. The first agenda was introduction. It was at this point that I discovered I was in the wrong meeting room.

I was sitting in on an executive meeting of a multi-million dollar company, one of the leading firms in Kenya. Despite my initial confusion, I sat through the meeting, gaining valuable insights and a clear understanding of how high-end meetings operate. Why did they allow me to sit in their executive meeting? Did they feel like I belonged??

Drawing a cartoon of a person and a circle creates two distinct worlds. The inside of the circle represents the world in which we reside and feel a sense of belonging. Those who share the same perspective as us belong to the inside of the circle, while those who do not understand our worldview are on the outside.

We are constantly judging people as either being inside or outside the circle and if anyone is outside the circle, we don’t listen to. Every time we meet someone we ask ourselves,

Is this person worth listening to? Does this person look at the world as I do? What is this person’s agenda? Friend or foe? Do they know and understand clearly what they are talking about?

In many cases, we make assumptions based on the person's appearance, behavior, and mannerisms.

The circle theory states that we communicate most effectively with those we consider to belong to the inner circle. We are attentive listeners to their perspectives. Conversely, individuals we do not view as belonging are often not given the same level of attention, and their words are perceived as mere noise.

To succeed in various aspects of life, such as getting a job, becoming a leader, or thriving in a social circle, it's essential to belong to the inner circle. Teachers, nurses, parents, speakers, politicians, mentors, preachers, doctors… must also find a way into the circle before communicating with their audience effectively, which is where empathy and love come in. Empathy involves understanding the other person's perspective before sharing your own, while love breaks down barriers and creates a deeper connection.

Neffinger, J., & Kohut, M. (2014). Compelling people: The hidden qualities that make us influential. Penguin.