Circle of Concern, Circle of Control

“How can I talk about my achievements without anyone thinking I’m arrogant/ too aggressive/ too ambitious/ all about me?”

This is hands down the most frequent question women ask me in my leadership programs.

I’ve never once gotten this question from a man.

This is not surprising. Many women have a history of being criticized for speaking up on their own behalf–– or for speaking up at all. By contrast, men who talk up their successes are usually seen as players or high potentials–– unless they cross the line into over-the-top obnoxious.

Experience therefore suggests to many women that the safest course is simply to hope that others spontaneously notice and value their contributions. This is an unrealistic expectation in the best of circumstances. After all, people are busy and mostly focused on what they need to do or say. But in the virtual world, where most of us live now and which many of us will continue to inhabit, the passive strategy of expecting others to notice is a particularly doomed approach.

What to do?

A good place to start is to recognize there’s no magic formula for assuring that nobody ever perceives you as “too” arrogant or aggressive or whatever. Instead, work on reordering your priorities. Putting thought and effort into being clear about what you have to contribute or are contributing is a more effective approach than trying to make sure that everyone everywhere thinks you’re a wonderful person. It’s also a more skillful way of supporting your team because your transparency enables them to understand what you are doing to bolster your common effort.

Focusing your efforts on being clear and direct is also more empowering. Why? For the simple reason that what people think about you does not lie within your control. After all, peoples’ perceptions of one another are shaped by a range of factors: that person’s past experience, their family history, their situation with their spouse and children, their frustration (or otherwise) with their own work, their biases conscious and unconscious. Clearly, none of these factors lie within your control.

For example, if a male colleague has a profoundly painful and contentious relationship with his ex-wife and you remind him of her, that’s probably going to influence how he feels about you. It’s unfortunate, you did nothing to deserve it, but that’s the reality. Over time he may learn to become comfortable with you or see ways in which you are different than his ex-wife. But unless he’s a heroically self-actualized individual, he may decide when he meets you that you are going to be trouble.

By contrast, being clear about what you contribute to an effort this man is also involved in does lie within your control. You get to decide what words you use and you get to choose what allies you engage to help you tell your story.

My thinking about all this was shaped by one of the most helpful self-management tools I’ve ever came across, one that has shaped my thinking and my own behavior for over 30 years. It comes from Steven Covey’s massive best-seller of 1989, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

In the book, Covey present a graphic of two circles: one is our circle of concern, the other our circle of control. Our circle of concern includes all the things we care about –– from global warming to how a co-worker perceives us. Our circle of control includes whatever we can directly influence: from our meal choices to the effort we put into filling out a complicated tax form.

Covey notes that highly effective people are skilled at distinguishing exactly what lies within their circle of concern and what lies within their circle of control. Recognizing this distinction enables them to align what they care about with what they have power over, and to take effective action based on that.

Now, this doesn’t mean, for example, that we shouldn’t care about global warming just because it doesn’t lie without our immediate circle of control. Taking positive steps such as driving a hybrid or electric car or supporting an environmental group provides us with small but positive ways to take action on this concern.

But in general, we will waste a lot of time and effort if we focus most of our effort on what lies outside of our control. And one thing we really can’t control is what everyone else thinks of us.

Of course, we can and should make an effort to exercise emotional intelligence–– to be thoughtful, responsive to others, a good listener, behave in an appropriate way and do what we can to be a likeable and good person. But privileging what everyone thinks of us over clearly and informatively sharing what we have to offer is a highly effective way of keeping ourselves stuck.

__________

Follow me on LinkedIn | Twitter | Facebook

Visit my website for free resources!

Sign up for my Methods of Leadership Course!