Chronic Niceness Kills

"You’re a champ. Keep up the great work!" This is the last thing Alan hears before leaving the meeting room. He has once again agreed to take on tasks that are not his. He understands that this means working longer hours, spending weekends in front of his computer, and possibly postponing holidays (again). He can't help himself. Alan always agrees with others, not because he necessarily believes in what they're saying, but because he wants to avoid conflict. He hates turning into someone else just to keep everyone happy. It's no surprise then that he later finds himself making up excuses in his head to avoid the obligations. He never follows through, though, since he enjoys the praise and validation he receives when he comes to the rescue.

Alan's chosen path is not an easy one. He's always stressed since all of his commitments make it difficult for him to unwind and relax. Of course, this means he's constantly sick and mentally exhausted from the pressure of trying to meet everybody’s expectations. But he keeps going because he believes that the needs of others are far more important than his own. Alan always regrets not having the courage to defend himself. Furthermore, he often finds himself holding down his anger because he feels others take advantage of him. Before losing control, he draws away from people rather than telling them what's wrong and working to make things better.

Some people think they have to please everyone. One of them is me. Having trouble saying "no," being too tolerant to prevent confrontation, putting other people's needs before my own, not wanting to disappoint others, and feeling responsible for other people's feelings and actions are all ways I fail at setting healthy boundaries. These examples might also ring a bell with you.

I've read a number of theories that try to explain why we act in this manner. Many of them talk about the urge to belong that is entrenched in our DNA. Some believe that our perfectionism is what is causing the cycle to continue. Others say it’s because of low self-esteem and insecurity. The list is endless. In my opinion, it all comes down to what school of thinking we adhere to. In The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga argue that we can just concentrate on the past and try to understand everything solely through cause-and-effect. Determinism would be consistent with this. However, we can also turn to individual psychology to explain this phenomenon. In a nutshell, it focuses on current goals rather than previous causes. Let's spend some time on it since I think the lessons are pretty profound, not just for the issue at hand but also for other problems we might be facing.

Encyclopedia Britannica points out that in individual psychology, the overriding motivation in most people is a striving for what Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler somewhat misleadingly termed superiority. This entails self-realization and completeness, but it can also mean making up for inferiority complexes. Based on this perspective, each person is unique, and their personality structure—including their distinctive goal and methods for achieving it—finds expression in their lifestyle. So, when we think of why we consciously or subconsciously chose to please everyone, our past experiences and traumas may not be relevant. Instead, it's possible that our actions are helping us to accomplish a certain goal, such as gaining attention, recognition, or validation.

Now, is there a way to avoid consistently putting others first? Yes, there is. It’s called assertiveness. According to Psychology Today, assertive people respectfully and clearly express their limits and wishes to others. They are not afraid to stand up for their objectives or points of view or to try to persuade others to agree with them. Instead, they have the ability to speak honestly and respectfully about their feelings and opinions. From a behavioral standpoint, assertive people are firm without being impolite. They respond to both happy and negative emotions without acting violently or becoming indifferent. Being assertive does not imply constantly being loved or making everyone happy. It’s about defending our right to be treated fairly.

It goes without saying that acting assertively has several advantages. According to the Mayo Clinic, it enables us to improve our communication, create win-win scenarios, increase our decision-making skills, build honest relationships, increase our sense of empowerment, improve our understanding and recognition of our feelings, gain respect from others, and effectively express our feelings when communicating with others.

Patrick King proposes in The Art of Everyday Assertiveness that the process of being assertive begins with self-prioritization, a concept that many of us find difficult since we have been socialized to believe that putting others before ourselves makes us good people. However, any potential advantages are lost when we neglect our own needs and make choices and sacrifices that limit us. Self-acceptance comes after. It’s the understanding that we are worthy, deserving, and good enough to meet our own needs. It will be impossible for us to stand up for our rights and demand the treatment and respect we deserve if we see ourselves as being at the bottom of the social order. Finally, self-compassion enables us to love, empathize, and embrace ourselves while accepting our own pain. It's crucial because we've trained ourselves to think poorly of ourselves, which reinforces the notion that we don't deserve kindness.

In her book Assertiveness, Judy Murphy offers a two-way strategy for asserting ourselves and gaining the respect of others. To become more assertive internally, it’s critical to understand the power of self-talk. According to studies, 80% of our internal conversations about ourselves are harmful. Although it's easier said than done, we must first stop criticizing and demeaning ourselves before repeating supportive and uplifting phrases. By highlighting the "Bill of Assertive Rights," a set of guidelines that gives us internal fortitude and acts as a reminder that we are deserving of respect, she also draws attention to the issue of internal assertiveness. For instance, they demonstrate that, among other entitlements, we have the right to say "I don't care," change our minds, make illogical decisions, and present neither a justification nor an explanation for our actions. Most crucially, we are allowed to say “no” without feeling bad about it.

To help us become more assertive externally, Murphy advises using strong, self-assured body language, starting with our voice. Aggressive communication can be gruff or cutting, thus conveying displeasure or fury. Passive communication, on the other hand, can be whining, transmitting uncertainty and neediness. Assertive communication is impartial. Neither are we requesting approval nor are we issuing verbal orders. Our physical demeanor is also important. To build mutual respect and trust, it’s essential to maintain appropriate eye contact. A sincere, natural smile that doesn't seem forced shows that we respect the other person and encourages them to do the same for us. Additionally, having our heads held high suggests confidence.

While we work on becoming more assertive both internally and externally, we should also focus on the message we convey. Manuel Smith states in When I say no, I feel guilty that one of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent and to keep saying what we want over and over again without getting annoyed, exasperated, or loud. "Broken Record" is one strategy that can assist us to achieve this. By reiterating what we want to say and dismissing all side issues raised by the person to whom we express ourselves, we stay on topic and leave no chance for manipulation. When we use Broken Record, we are not deterred by what the other person says, but instead continue to say what we want to say in a calm, repetitive manner until the other person accedes to our request or agrees to a compromise.

Even though "being nice" is not one of the leading causes of mortality, I believe the results of not being assertive may unquestionably be fatal, at least to our spirits. First of all, feeling taken advantage of by others can lead to bitterness and a desire for revenge. We become irritable, angry, and rude. Constantly trying to make others happy leads to stress, worry, and emotional weariness. Sadness is a side effect of accommodating others' demands and preferences at the expense of ours since it makes us feel fake and frustrated. We may begin to doubt our own free will if we feel constantly at the mercy of others. And when our personality is suppressed, it's common to wonder what things mean and, ultimately, what our purpose in life is.

If you take just one thing from this article, let that be my simple but powerful action plan:

Step 1: be assertive.

Step 2: set boundaries.

Step 3: regain your power.

Step 4: look after yourself.

Step 5: keep your spirit alive.

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. July 30, 2022.?