Chronic Fatigue, Spirituality and Wellness

When inspiration and intuition paired up for this month's newsletter topic it would be fair to say that I was wasn't sure about it, but having sat with it for a while I am going with it.? So, why the unease?? It arises from the undeniable fact that my story combined with what I do, makes it sensible to talk about my healing journey. ?

This will entail an element of feeling exposed and vulnerable, and although I know there is a strength in transparency, honesty and authenticity, it still makes me slightly uncomfortable.? I have talked about my concussion but not much about recent health issues.

I am absolutely delighted to be turning sixty next January. ? I have been stopped in my tracks a few times throughout? my life, with numerous ankle breaks and sprains. However, when I passed out on my cantering horse at forty six years old, the resulting fall and concussion took me on a journey I did not want to go on.? Initially I didn't feel very grateful that I had survived, and was just annoyed, frustrated and angry.? Going from inhabiting a body that was fit, healthy and energetic to one that had quite literally had the stuffing knocked out of it by a traumatic brain injury meant that I felt a hologram of my normal self, with no sense of solidity, at all, on any level, quite the reverse in fact.

With near non-existent energy levels initially, life took on a pattern that took weeks to adjust to.? Our brains 'run the show', the whole show and the impact of a serious concussion is immense.? Part of me found it quite fascinating as what felt like the integrative nature of normal brain function was lost.? A hyper hypersensitivity to any stimulus or information took up energy, and when the 'off' button was hit, powering down happened immediately and the only option was to go to bed and rest.? No reading or watching as that was exhausting too.

I remain grateful to the concussion to this day, as it kept taking me back to A and E.? Consequently six weeks post the accident I was diagnosed with significant arterial damage that strictly speaking should have killed me.? ? Several blood clots were revealed each side of my head, due to the damage sustained by my internal carotid arteries.? Thankfully the clots remained where they were, and remarkably I hadn't stroked out or died within that six weeks.? The impact of this news on my experience of feeling Gratitude literally every waking day since does not dilute with time.? Concussion became my friend and had saved my life so now I just had to concentrate on getting well.? My perspective had changed and it would take three years. ? ?

Receiving a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis in April 2022, eleven years later after a particularly frustrating sixteen months, during which I was unable to live a life of normal activity, was a blow to say the least.? I am not totally convinced, and not being suitable for a lumbar puncture, take a year at a time, so far with annual diagnostic scans remaining the same. ?

By far the most impactful symptom of this is chronic fatigue. ? I had double vision for eight months after one episode, Bells Palsy, and my thyroid needed medication for four months when it went awol, all inflammatory conditions perhaps linked. ? My specialist consultant agrees with me that the impact of a number of major life events in the ten years running up to things taking off in 2020, could be factors in terms of stress levels experienced. ?

Looking after a child with anorexia was stressful for us as a family, to put it mildly.? Despite having the most conscious of separations and divorce untangling a twelve year marriage was inevitably emotionally difficult too.

I have been exposed to more CT scans than I care to count, each one of those delivering the equivalent radiation of two hundred x-rays, and I have a mouth containing mercury fillings and like many people I suspect have a degree of heavy metal toxicity. Multiple sclerosis is known to be linked with viral loads too,? specifically Epstein Barr Virus, also picked up in my system and known to be linked to auto-immune conditions.

Having lived with and experienced chronic fatigue for most of my concussion recovery, I was familiar with it.? At its worst the smallest of everyday tasks requires monumental effort and leaves you feeling totally exhausted, irrespective of the fact that you may have slept for ten hours.? As you make strides forwards, it is difficult to know when these are happening as it truly is a three steps forward, two steps back process, and not as simple as exerting yourself to see what the immediate effect is.? ? The 'comeback', 'breakdown',? 'crash' comes maybe twenty four to forty eight hours later, and is gutting, as you resign yourself to the undesirable effects of more fatigue.? This may mean having to rest for an hour or longer after showering on days you are capable of taking one, not having the energy to cook or clean, go for a walk, socialise, as going out in the evening is just a non starter.? It impacts every aspect of your life and can literally take weeks to get back to where You were.

In December 2020 the initial event put me in hospital for five days, with what at that time was thought to be a stroke.? Since then my journey has been slow, steady, and challenging. I am pleased to say I remain on an upward trajectory.

When the off switch is hit I rest but am in a better position now and this happens far less often and I surf the internal landscape with even more experience.? ? You are the person who knows yourself and your neurological functioning capacity in what becomes the most finely tuned detail.? If you don't actively work against it and employ methods to maintain a sense of wellness, depression lurks, and threatens to take a hold.? I am not there in terms of usual energy levels and activity but I am a long way along the pathway with many more relatively normal days and I remain positive.

My Gratitude practice was in place and I was lucky enough to be living remotely in the most beautiful of locations steeped in nature.? Nature started to play an important and crucial step as I started another healing journey.?

What do wellbeing and wellness mean to You, and do You have goals? Our innate uniqueness means that the starting point is different for each of us.? Despite the physical health challenges I have had over the last three and a half years, the journey they have taken me on has helped me become happier, even more comfortable in my own skin, with a much deeper connection to Nature and Life in general. ? I am more content than I could ever have imagined becoming, and that has come out of my experience and journey with ill health.? I have seen some definitions of Wellness include "not just the absence of disease or illness".? I disagree that this needs to be the case, and given that at any one time there are many people living a Life with disease and illness does not fit.

I realise this is a huge topic and I have decided to just take a bite at this aspect as I truly believe that given any situation we are capable of acknowledging, accepting and living with it, in the main happily.? It may not be easy, but as spiritual Beings we are capable of experiencing a good and happy Life IF we choose to be open to ACCEPTANCE, and I mean true acceptance, not just the mind saying it.

It may feel as if we are fighting for our lives and we may literally be doing that, but even the prospect of death can lose its fear, its hold on us, IF we choose to look at it, and come to terms with the fact that perhaps its looking like it may come sooner than we would like.? The truth is none of us know when our time spent in a physical body is going to come to an end, and in one sense we 'die' every night when we go to sleep, in that we are not engaged mentally, emotionally, mindfully whilst our bodies do what they need to do.

Finding out how close I was, potentially, to death for six weeks thirteen years ago instantaneously showed me an infinite lake of Gratitude, that I felt and feel so deeply, so viscerally.? When it was thought I had suffered a stroke more recently I recall deciding to examine the possibility that death could once again be closer than I would like, as well as accessing the continued Gratitude for being here at all.? I spent hours watching birds when really poorly and as I watched the beauty of the many different species, I became even more at ease with it, and recall a definite point of deeper acceptance.

Quite unbelievably I had to go for tests recently to ensure I didn't have neck or throat cancer and as I walked out of my GP's surgery, the Californian spiritual guru,?Adyashanti came to mind.? Specifically his meditation And This Too .? I felt ambivalent and there was no drama, some, when the initial appointment was made, but mostly ambivalence.? My mind was all over it. ? "So you don't want to live now??? Is that it???? For sure there was concern and worry, but underlying something new I was experiencing.? I love Life and am grateful the tests were fine but it made me realise that in considering my death I was in the main free of the fear of it, at least it feels that way on an intuitive level.? Of course, I said to my friend Jane, "I would fight tooth and nail if I had to".

Having the ability to hurry removed from my Life twice, in an instant, has given me the opportunity to experience true acceptance, to meet with Life in ways I would never have dreamed possible, didn't know were possible.

So, this article could have been about me sharing what I have done in terms of optimising nutrition, exercising the physical body, keeping up my mental and emotional health and more, and I have been on journeys within each aspect.? I will share these perhaps more practical tips in my next newsletter. ? By far the most helpful journey has been the continuing spiritual one.? Essentially it underpins all the others.

Nature is inviting us home all the time, with a part of us that just recognises Gaia , our beautiful planets energy. ? One very practical grounding activity is barefoot walking and this has become a way of life for me now.? Even just standing barefoot on the earth is useful.

So, the continued learning that in fact not only are we living in an infinite Universe, is that we can literally experience our connection as an infinitely deepening journey into it.? It is possible to deepen our connection and feel the support that is ever present, ever supportive, non judgemental and just there, if we choose to follow a pathway to find it, see it and experience it. Like the perfect lover anticipating needs sometimes before even thought. ? That pathway can simply be an opening.

This has been the greatest gift and continues to be, as has the positive change to my healing, which has become deeper, more fluid with more profundity. ? I often get asked if healing drains me at all.? It is is fact quite the opposite.

For me healing is ultimately about Freedom and when I observe clients experiencing more of it I feel deeply satisfied. ? Their connection with Life deepens, their inner Knowing becomes the compass they follow, and they ultimately say to me, "I'm good, it feels as if the work is done", and there is just a sense that, yes, for now at least we are done. ? I say goodbye feeling privileged to have experienced their courage, and openness, knowing they can now set their boundaries, say no if necessary without guilt or explanation, listen more acutely to their intuitive sense and in an empowered state move forwards with confidence, not worrying about what other's think, because it no longer matters.? What they put into their bodies may change as the body's voice is heard.. "less caffeine, sugar, alcohol please".? A balance ensues and often an awakening to what IS.? Their consciousness able to step back and observe.? Life observing Life.

I look forward to bringing you next month's newsletter in which I will share the more practical tips that have helped me on my journey.

In Heart and with Love, as always, Julie