Christmas Shopping in the Year 2025

Ah, the Christmas Season! I used to hate shopping for presents - all the post-Thanksgiving sale mayhem and the gloom and doom about all those poor retail brick and mortar stores going under. Turns out, curiously enough, that they were right on the money there. My youngest daughter came to me the other day, and asked me what it was like when there were stores; she’d never been in one. I’m not really all that sure that I miss them.

I’m sitting in my office, working on a manuscript, when I realize that I should probably spend some time to take care of Christmas shopping. With a flourish, I open up a browser and type in Buy Christmas Gifts into the Intent Box, and my agent brings up my profile from last year so that I don’t have to enter all the tedious stuff again, then start typing in requests for clothes for my oldest, who’s a big anime and cosplay fan.

I indicate a couple of sweaters, and query her agent about what she’s currently into, theme wise. (Okay, yes, I know it’s likely anime related, but the details change from month to month). Even as I move onto the next line item, my agent is busily querying hers - she’s given me more access than she would complete strangers, but I suspect less than that of her closest friends (in other words, the obligatory Parental Mode). It’s also accessing information about her clothing sizes, and comparing that with what’s in stock. Note that I don’t necessarily get to see that information, but the agents involved can.

A set of results come back, and I then ask to see whether anyone else has bought these same things for her. It turns out that her aunt also decided to get the Magical Girl Socks, so I eliminate those items that others have already bought. This can be a vicious game, by the way, see who can block out a particular purchase, so that no one else can come along and buy it later for the same person. Aunt Cecilia is definitely on the naughty list this year, at least in my book.

My agent makes a recommendation about a nice cardigan sweater with a hood, sewn with an intelli-weave fabric that can change colors, with the specific patterns either programmable or uploadable, with an 8192 bit encryption software to insure that no one else can reprogram it on the fly. Clothes hacking was a bit of a problem last year, especially when one particularly clever programmer realized that they could set the alpha channel transparency to 1, rendering the clothes quite transparent.

For my nephew, I select an intelligent basketball and hoop set. The ball includes microsensors and micropumps that can change the dynamics of how the ball both bounces and flies, along with enough sapience to keep track of how often shots are made or missed. The ball is also able to broadcast its position and to roll back to the user if it goes out of bounds. It communicates with his glasses, so can help him to both visualize and position himself to better score.  This gets very interesting when used in competitive play, as the ball quite literally now has a mind of its own.

My youngest, mad scientist daughter is sometimes a challenge. I buy her a bio-sequencing kit (My Little Frankenstein) that she can use to both sample DNA and make genetic changes to the cloned mice that come with the kit. The kit also includes a subscription to the Craig Venter Institute, where they are crowdsourcing the re-creation of Mastodons, Dodo Birds, and Neanderthals. They created a small(ish) T-Rex from a chicken last year, featured on National Geographic, and my youngest was a Codon Member in that particular Kickstarter. I did notice, though, that she's been eyeing the cat's paws with much consideration lately.

I’ve promised a dishes fabricator for my wife - its a 3d printer specialized for fabricating glasses, cups, plates, bowls and other ceramics, along with pans, pots, knives and utensils. What I like about it is that it has a recycle option, so that you can separate out the base components and reuse them, though the quality does degrade somewhat over repeated uses. You can lease or open source the patterns from the web, and while the refill inks are still a bit pricey, using the fab is only slightly more expensive than buying from a site pre-fabbed. Besides, I’m looking forward to printing up some Klein bottles.

There were a few stocking stuffers as well - game avatars or community memberships for the kids and a mysteries membership renewal for my wife (and I). They’ve been creating a Steampunk Victorian England, and have funded a series through it for the next year, including some 85,000 contributors, with Emma Watson directing. I have a couple of scripts under consideration there for an Ada Lovelace spin-off, and my wife is designing outfits for Mary Shelley.  

Oh, can’t forget the cat. I get a small robotic mouse, with enough intelligence to keep our Russian Blue mentally challenged when we’re out of the house. Of course, with the glowing mutant mice, and a cat with opposable thumbs, this may be a bit of overkill. Still, it is Christmas.

I send off the final order, just in time to hear the drones from the first couple of orders buzzing overhead. Christmas straightened out, I head back to Victorian England, though for just a second I thought I heard “Ho Ho Ho” as the drones take off again.

Kurt Cagle is the founder and chief ontologist for Semantical, LLC. 

Originally publishing on Systems Theory. This work is intended as satire.