It is dangerously cold outside. By now, most of us have all our preparations completed. These range from a home-cooked meal, all the way to a lavish party with family and friends. Some of us are working, and others, have made the choice to not observe the day. Whatever your Christmas looks like this year, make some time to reflect on the past year and all that you are grateful for.
For my family caregivers, this year is either as simple as it was last year or it is an entirely different time. This depends on their emotional, financial, and family situations. However, it mostly depends on their elderly loved one's medical conditions, behaviors, and unique challenges. I recently spoke with the daughter of an 80-year-old gentleman living with dementia. Last year, they traveled by airplane from Virginia to New York to spend Christmas with family. It was a delightful trip, during which time his 9th grandchild was born. This year, she shared that her heart is heavy as her father is unable to leave home. For the first time, she has had to seek respite care to help her cope with her own grief about his decline. Her father no longer remembers who she is and is reluctant to leave his room for meals, change his clothes, or have showers. Over the course of one year, she has been introduced to a new father and continues to struggle with what this has brought to their lives. Christmas for her is filled with the challenges of being away from family and giving up the tradition of a family gathering to celebrate.
Like this daughter, our family caregivers are all facing some challenges during this holiday season. This week, I am happy to share a few more tips to help make this time less stressful.
- Know when you need to step away - It is incredibly difficult to distance yourself physically from someone you love when they need you. However, when staying with them becomes unhelpful, it is necessary to do so. The demands and challenges of caregiving when combined with a tired and stressed caregiver, plus the pressure of Christmastime provides a situation ripe for elder abuse and neglect. It is ok to need a break from your loved one, but it is not ok to leave them without support. I always recommend caregivers arrange help with another family member, or home health aides, or seek respite care with the assistance of their physician. It is ok to ask for help when it becomes difficult to provide good, loving care to your family member. When you feel like you are at the point of causing harm to your loved one, you must step away.
- Practice mindfulness - We all get caught up in the pressure and stressors of our long to-do lists. There always seems to be a running list of tasks to be done in a limited time. I am an advocate for addressing only one task at a time and staying focused on doing it as well as possible. Mindfulness requires us to focus on this moment, and not include thoughts of what has passed and what is to come. I encourage family caregivers to focus on the love and care that they are providing at that moment. The scatterbrained approach to caregiving makes us anxious about the whole long list of things to be done and depressed about the whole long list of things we never had a chance to get done. I have experienced caregiving done in this way. It inevitably leads to abusive language, short tempers, physical harm, and an overall unhealthy situation for both the caregiver and the person receiving care. I have also experienced an elderly person who is left at the hospital by a loved one who is no longer able to cope with their care during the holidays. Approaching caregiving with a 'one thing at a time' mindset helps calm down the anxiety and promotes gratitude for the time with and the ability to care for our loved ones.
- Reach out for help when you need it without delay - A practice in mindfulness takes time and consistency to be effective. For some caregivers in difficult situations, this may be just part of what they need to continue to be effective. Depression and suicidal thoughts are common. Oftentimes, the shame and fear that accompany these feelings discourage caregivers from seeking the support that they need. If you have any of these feelings, or have in the past and feel uncertain about the future, I encourage you to seek support. The National Alliance on Mental Illness has Family Support groups throughout the nation which are provided at no cost. You can learn some more about them here - https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups/NAMI-Family-Support-Group
- Watch what you say - Words are the most powerful weapons that caregivers hold. They have the power to have a joyful Christmas dinner or spark an epic battle that fractures the entire holiday for a family. It is important to recognize what things should and should not be said at this time, especially with family members who are visiting for the season. Here are some examples of what NOT to say: "Why are you not helping with Dad's bills?", "You never visit us and never care for Mom", "You don't know what she needs", "I hate you". I am sure you can imagine a caregiver who is already tired and at wits end with doing their best, blurting out one of these lines. But can you imagine the rift that it creates among family members who are dealing with their own guilt and grief? The confrontation that this creates between family members will only distance them even further from the caregiver who needs their support. It is better to say: "I appreciate you coming and look forward to seeing you some more during this year", "Have you noticed any changes with Mom/Dad? Would you like to keep up with those after your visit is over?", "I would really appreciate it if you can care for Dad this afternoon so I can run some errands". Using your words in this way encourages participation but also leaves the conversation open for future visits.
If you are a family caregiver or have a friend or family member who is one, I would appreciate you using and sharing these tips. It is a special time of the year. What makes it even more special is the time spent enjoying family and nurturing the bonds which we have with them. I wish you the best for today. Please stay warm.
