Christian Films Got 99 Problems and a Hit Ain't One...

1. You chose to work with a friend instead of an actor

2. Your $1200 budget for your 21-day shoot barely covers the Red Bull costs in Craft services

3. Your dialogue is bland and stilted. Only 80-year-olds and Toddlers say exactly what they’re thinking all the time

4. Cardboard, one-dimensional characters. The Christian Hero is Mr. Perfect. Zero faults. The Unbeliever Villain is a demon-spawn. Zero good side.

5. Lack of Subtext. Think Princess Bride’s “As you wish!” What he’s really saying is, “I love you!”

6. Evangelism takes sowing, watering, growing, and THEN harvesting. Your film goes from “sow” to “harvest” and sometimes “harvest” to “harvest”

7. You don’t accept input from Film Mentors. Hence you’re not challenged to dig deeper in your craft.

8. Your audience is your mom. But she’ll put anything you scribbled up on that fridge and make you feel like you just cured cancer!

9. Your audience is your Pastor. Funny how most of their script notes involve working more of their sermons into the story

10. You’re trying to jump from Mountaintop to mountaintop in your story, but you cannot get there without going through a valley first

11. Your script meanders. It’s a series of scenes haphazardly stitched together instead of a journey of a single character with a goal and a purpose to sort out

12. Also, your Feature Film that may have been a super awesome short film idea, wasn’t really big enough to sustain the drama for 90 pages

13. Perhaps you didn’t notice the action and momentum of your film died around page 54 and never returned. Neither did your audience

14. Perhaps your plot began on Page 54 when your first real inciting incident happened. Believe me, your audience noticed. They left 30 pages ago

15. You wanted to run an ultra-marathon (100miles) without even testing out a 5K (3.1miles) or 10K (6.2miles) or Half marathon (13.1 miles) or Marathon (26.2miles). Make your mistakes in the short film world before you “go big”

16. You’ve over-salted your film with Jesus. Instead of a dash or a pinch, you figured the more Jesus the better. Now only 92 year olds with failing taste buds appreciate your story

17. Your story started out as “Based on a True Story” but you gutted out all the negative or bad stuff and now your potentially powerful tale is impotent

18. Jesus sweated blood before he finally agreed to go to the cross. Didn’t want to go to the cross. But knew he had to go. How about your main character? What did they have to give up to attain their goal?

19. You decided that Jesus would not have gone to film school. Maybe not. But all 12 of his Disciples went through a 3 year intensive, Guild-like, Theological, Doctoral-level, hands-on class. So, you can maybe stand to take a class on Cinematography.

20. You don’t know when your Act Two begins, where your mid-point reversal is, much less your low-of-lows leading into your Act Three resolution.

21. Big companies spend millions of dollars to make their hand-held, naturally lit, low-production value viral video. It looks simple. That’s the genius of it. And the trap.

22. Someone out there is studying harder, practicing more, honing their craft and digging deep. Your film is up against theirs for Distribution funds. So, do your homework.

23. Any fool can build a house on a sandy land. That art edifice is short-lived. It takes special tools and skills to build on the rock. That art stands the test of time.

24. Your film’s ending leaves no question unanswered. Everyone lives happily ever after, except the unsaved heathen who “gets what’s coming to her”. Shallow narrative.

25. You’re just in it for the money. You’re peddling $300K junk to make $400K and then wash, rinse, lather, repeat.

26. You push out mediocre or sub-par work into the market because you can get away with it. Unfortunately, you are vaccinating people against Christianity.

27. When you think your polished final script is finally finished, it is really only 65% of the way there. You gave up too soon.

28. When you think your polished final edit is finally finished, it is really only 65% of the way there. You gave up too soon.

29. You’re not making the types of films that you enjoy the most. In fact, you’re making somebody else’s film and you’re not good at that.

30. You may be surrounded by great filmmakers who are propping you up, and they’re all afraid to let you know your ignorance of the craft is making this process very very difficult for them. This won’t last forever.

31. You’re a prima donna. You somehow feel that your film alone is the voice of the people. Sorry people.

32. You’re a Christian Jihadist. Literally terrorizing your audience with your narrow, inflamed scare tactics. Tactics that Simon and the Zealots preferred. Not Jesus.

33. You don’t play well with others. Film is a collaborative medium. If done correctly, your film evolves with more craftsmen shouldering the load. If not, Heil Hitler!

34. Your film is trying so hard not to rock the boat in religious circles, when God had kinda hoped your film would clear the moneychangers from the temple.

35. You ran outta time. For the script, for the money shot, for the scene, for the edit.

36. You didn’t dive deep to the original ideas. You stayed up at the surface where the scum of every other movie you’ve watched is stagnating.

37. You were under-resourced. You made the choice to pull the trigger on this film before you had adequate funding and people aboard. Happy Trails, Colonel Custer!

38. Film is a nuanced medium. But you’ve blustered through with big acting and an even bigger message. Hope your movie is for 5 year olds!

39. You wanted to be the next Billy Graham, but couldn’t abide seminary so you took up the film pulpit. You are so fired!

40. You’re the Christian Michael Moore. Arrogant, one-sided, inflammatory, tunnel-visioned propaganda master. True documentaries do not decide for the audience.

41. You left no budget for film distribution. Your entire plan involved a film festival and a benevolent Studio swooping in with millions of dollars.

42. You insist on putting yourself in your own films. And you’ve got a great face for radio.

43. You insist on putting yourself in your own films. Your extensive church play resume dictates you play the lead, of course.

44. You are na?ve about the creative process. There has never been a one-take wonder in screenwriting. Yes, God gave you an idea. Now go rewrite it 10 times.

45. The creative process is a birthing process. There’s generally a 9-month gestation between the seeding and birthing. Make sure your idea is ready for the light of day.

46. A good name is preferable to great riches. That is branding. You don’t have a brand. None of your actors has a brand. Nobody pays for generic in the theater. They want the label.

47. You realized too late that whoever brings the money to table, steers the ship. Executive Producer trumps Director every time.

48. Your film style isn’t an extension of your story. It’s handheld and poorly lit because there’s no money, not because that style reveals character.

49. You failed to realize that a handheld shot says something different than a tripod shot versus a dolly shot versus a steadicam versus an aerial shot.

50. You’ve got a character in your script whose singular purpose is to be preached at for 90 pages.

51. Your main character has no stated goal. He’s a floater. Life just happens to him. This better be Forrest Gump.

52. Your main character got saved and all their problems just magically disappeared. That’s not even a good Fairy Tale.

53. By making sure your film does not offend a single person on the planet, you’ve offended God.

54. Your lighting is not motivated. Judging by shadows, it appears in the world of your film, there are at least four Suns.

55. Your on-set improv is not funny. I guess you had to be there.

56. Your darling scene, that one you love more than life itself, is not working. And you refuse to cut it down. Or out.

57. 4K is still not a large enough format to handle your stage actors’ huge performance. Use screen actors instead.

58. You have not entered the scene as late as possible and got out as soon as you can. You just showed us an entire sermon.

59. You’ve opted for an extremely shallow depth of field to mimic film, but your Camera Op can’t nail critical focus. Loosen up your shot. Or hire a First A.C.

60. You’re cutting from a wide shot to another wide shot. Vary your shots.

61. We are not to blame because you couldn’t afford a Boom Operator or Sound Guy. So why am I being punished?

62. It takes a ship-load of pre-production planning in order to have a calm, relaxed atmosphere on set. Lack of planning is paid for in chaos.

63. That annoying detail-Nazi that wants to label everything and mark every take? They become your hero in post-production. Heed them.

64. You thought more cameras on set the better coverage? Wrong. More cameras, more bad footage to go through later. Plan your shots!

65. You could have used more rehearsal time, just you and the actors, before hand instead of having 30 crew people waiting for you to “find it” on the day

66. You said, “Yes!” What you meant was, “No.”

67. Your bar of excellence was some other Christian Film. Their bar of excellence was an Academy Award winning film. It’s the copy of a copy syndrome.

68. You have not studied the film masters. In fact you dismissed them and their work as Pagan. 100 years of craftsmanship you just flushed down the toilet.

69. You’re in love with your own dialogue and wouldn’t allow the Actors to revise and make it their own. So, your Ghetto Teen sounds like a 45-year-old Baptist Minister.

70. You took this gig as a paycheck. You were unconnected to the material. You directed on autopilot. Now marketing must polish and sell this artistic turd.

71. Your subpar script got a green-light and financing. There was no need to improve it artistically when you’ve gotten commercial approval.

72. You attempted to revive a D-List actor’s career like Tarantino did for Travolta. It did not work. Now you’ve got a D-List film.

73. You cast poorly, not realizing there’s a difference between a D-list actor on the rise, and a D-list actor on the decline. Also, you cast your brother.

74. You don’t know how to communicate with your Actors because you’ve not worked on that side of the camera before or developed their language. They speak Klingon.

75. Your film is not so much a film as it is an extended commercial for a book series, a church, a ministry; it’s an elaborate corporate video.

76. You’re using nerf production or backyard ball tactics when the world is used to NFL gamesmanship. It’s a whole new level of play.

77. You’re proud of your lack of film training. Comparing yourself to Young David who went up against Goliath with a slingshot. Not understanding that after killing a Bear and a Lion, a giant was actually a step down for him. He was a highly skilled killing machine.

78. You didn’t spend enough time in prayer. You underestimated the enemy’s interest in this “little movie” you were trying to make.

79. You never helped anyone else who came to you for assistance with their film and when it came time to do yours, nobody came to help.

80. You gave up when you only had a couple hundred hits on YouTube or Vimeo. Stopped pushing your film. Not realizing the huge impact it was having on a small cross-section of people who needed that message your film gave.

81. You gave up when 4 weekends of filming turned into 30. When a 2-month timetable stretched to 7 years. You lost the fire. The vision.

82. You got some bad reviews on your script or your edit and stopped fighting for great. Settled for okay.

83. You didn’t insulate your film from life. Someone died. A baby was born. You lost a job. Got divorced. And you dropped the reigns. All stop. Collecting dust.

84. You were too young/immature for the pressures of a full production. You had a chance to work with a real Pro and you passed it up to do your own thing.

85. You gave your idea away. In order to secure the financing you sacrificed your original idea, which got turned, through committee, into a mediocre movie.

86. Your first film was a big hit so your second, you decided to take it a little easier. Let your rep do the heavy lifting so to speak. Well your rep just got a hernia.

87. You honestly think you made a work of art. Despite the negative reviews from trusted craftsmen and your friends. You operate in a bubble. Pop!

88. Theologians and Pastors love love LOVED your script. Non-film industry people told you not to change a thing. You listened to them.

89. You didn’t make the story you were created to tell. You made a film you thought some other group needed to hear. A levitical grenade.

90. Your characters and story were all too predictable. Despite the panacea of incredible individuals and stories in your own personal life, you stuck to a caricature of humanity.

91. You had too many characters. Some of them serving the same purpose. Redundant. That extra bulk weighed the story down. Dragged the edit.

92. You didn’t write enough subplots. Your main plot was great. But you ran out of action and had to stretch out some already top-heavy scenes to make your runtime.

93. Your characters don’t arc. They don’t change. They don’t grow. Without the conflict, there is no drama. Every hero has an Achilles. Even Achilles.

94. You are trying to hurt someone else’s career. You literally are scuttling your own film to prevent someone else from advancing. You’ve got issues.

95. You fell in love with your main actress. And you’re sacrificing your film to eek out as much screen time for her as possible. Or him. Or yourself. Ew.

96. You are too scared to tell the hard truth. So, you’re sticking with “positive” and “encouraging” fluffy cotton candy films because that sells.

97. You’re trying to force a salvation scene into a story – onto some unsuspecting, unready character – just to land a distributor. Shame on you.

98. You’ve been trying all along to hammer this round R-Rated story in a square G-Rated hole. In short, you’ve turned an R-rated truth into a G-rated lie.

99. Your reputation in the Christian Community would be at stake if you told that story you were created to tell.