Choosing the Right Surrogate: Insights from 20 Years in Surrogacy

Egg Donor and Surrogacy Institute (EDSI)Over the past 20 years, I've had the privilege of helping countless families navigate the surrogacy process. One of the most important decisions intended parents make is choosing the right surrogate. It’s not just about finding someone who is physically healthy—it’s about ensuring there’s a solid foundation of trust, communication, and shared values. Here’s what I’ve learned after two decades in the field about what really matters when selecting a surrogate.

1. Health Comes First

This might seem obvious, but the health of the surrogate is paramount. Beyond a clean bill of health, look for someone with a history of uncomplicated pregnancies and successful deliveries. It’s reassuring to know that she’s been through this process before and understands the physical toll pregnancy takes. A reputable agency will always ensure comprehensive medical screenings are done, but as intended parents, it’s essential to feel confident that the person carrying your child is in the best possible health.

2. Emotional Resilience

I’ve seen surrogacy journeys that run smoothly and some that have their emotional highs and lows. It’s crucial to choose a surrogate who is emotionally stable and prepared for the challenges that may arise. Having a strong support system is key—family and friends who are supportive of her decision will make a big difference. This emotional stability often translates into smoother communication and a more positive overall experience for everyone involved.

3. Full Commitment

Surrogacy isn’t just a medical process—it’s a commitment that requires dedication from everyone involved. The surrogate needs to be fully on board, not just with carrying the pregnancy but with everything that comes with it: attending appointments, following medical guidelines, and staying in regular communication with the intended parents. A surrogate who is genuinely committed to the process will make you feel more secure and supported throughout the journey.

4. A Healthy Lifestyle

I always advise intended parents to get to know their surrogate’s lifestyle. Is she health-conscious? Does she maintain a balanced diet, avoid harmful substances, and engage in regular exercise? These lifestyle habits can directly impact the health of your baby. In my experience, the best surrogates take these responsibilities seriously and understand the importance of staying healthy throughout the pregnancy.

5. Shared Values and Beliefs

This is something I cannot stress enough. Throughout my career, I’ve seen how aligning on values can make or break a surrogacy relationship. Whether it’s decisions around prenatal care, handling unexpected medical issues, or even the communication style—having these conversations early on prevents misunderstandings later. You want to feel comfortable that you and your surrogate are on the same page about the things that matter most.

6. Communication is Everything

The strongest surrogacy partnerships are built on open, honest communication. From my perspective, it’s so important to choose a surrogate who is comfortable sharing her thoughts, feelings, and any concerns she might have. Regular check-ins can make all the difference, giving you peace of mind and helping build a genuine connection with the person carrying your child.

7. Experience: It Matters, but Not Always

Many intended parents I’ve worked with prefer surrogates who have been through the process before. An experienced surrogate often brings a level of calm and understanding that can be reassuring. However, I’ve also seen first-time surrogates thrive and create amazing experiences for intended parents. The key is finding someone who is genuinely excited and ready for the journey, regardless of whether it’s their first or fifth surrogacy.

Final Reflections

Having been in this field for two decades, I’ve learned that choosing a surrogate is as much about connection as it is about the practical aspects. It’s about finding someone who not only meets the necessary health criteria but who you can trust, communicate with openly, and share common values. Take the time to ask the right questions and get to know your surrogate beyond the checklist—it’s the foundation for a successful and fulfilling journey.

If you’re feeling unsure or have questions, I’m always here to offer guidance. After all, surrogacy is about building families, and every step of that journey should feel right for you.

-Parham Zar, Managing Director Egg Donor & Surrogacy Institute (EDSI)