About choosing and choices

To a large extent, our ability to choose is what defines us as humans. And it is also what can cause us great pain, both because we need to make choices and because of what we or others have chosen.

I do not really know if there is a “chosology” science. Nor do I know how we actually learn to choose. It is certainly not taught as a subject in schools? Maybe it is only learned by doing? In any case, I do believe that there are a few important points related to choosing that we can both learn and teach.

The first point is that choices come with consequences. To be more precise, we need to learn that our choices have consequences, for us and others. And that requires us to choose. And to discover and experience the consequences of our own choices, even if bad. Parents generally want to prevent bad experiences for their children, which is both natural and great. But if this means choosing for them, how can they learn to choose? What they learn is to blame others (like their parents, teachers), not personal accountability.

I want to share a really nice way to teach this to kids, early. When our kids were in primary, there were daily discussions about and comments about the family meal. At any time, someone was unhappy about the food choices. And this led to many unpleasant discussions and even meal times. So my wife came up with a simple but great idea: each of us in turn was going to choose the family menu: 2 days for our son, daughter and me; one day for her. No excuses.

It took a while for all of us to get used to it. Indeed, as we all know, the accountability for picking the family menu can be a real challenge, even burden. But my wife stuck with it, and after a while it worked great. Gone were the complaints. Each of us experienced the consequences of our own choices. And we also learned to respect and accept the choices of others. Our kids even started to negotiate: “Can you please avoid cabbage, then I will do less green peas.” “Can you take my Wednesday, if I take another day for you?”

So simple an arrangement, I still think that it is one of the greatest gifts my wife gave to our family: we really practiced choice.

The second point about choice that we often discussed is the fact that having only two options is not a “real” choice. Or at least does not feel like one. When you have two options, you have a dilemma. Dilemmas are tough, if only because you always keep thinking “What if?”. A real choice requires at least 3 options, and feels so much better to decide on than a dilemma. So we trained ourselves and our children to always look for a third option. This is not always evident itself, but that third options in our experience very often turned out to be and feel the best.

My third and final point in this blog about choices is the “no choice” option. It is an important “third option” to consider when facing a dilemma. And it also, always, comes with consequences. Thus, not choosing itself is also a choice, which actually means that it is not possible to not choose. Indeed, if you do not choose, then you actually choose not to choose. Whether at home, at work or in politics, always think of the consequences of your choice to not choose. Consider “no choice” as seriously as any other option, because it, too, comes with accountability and consequences.

The Brexit result reminded me of the importance of learning to choose: for, against, or no vote. No matter what choices were made, we will all live with the consequences. We need to accept the choice made and make the best of it. More choices will come, and as we grow older others will increasingly make choices for us so let us make sure we practice our choice-ability and that of our children.

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