Choose More Holiday Joy and Less Stress. Yes, Even This Year.

The pressure of fulfilling family obligations, conjuring up holiday magic and creating Martha Stewart-perfect tablescapes, compounded by wondering if Uncle Frank will go overboard on the eggnog again this year (he’s the sole reason you wire the Christmas tree to the wall now), is enough to have you tied up tighter than a perfectly puckered gift bow.?

Sprinkle in today’s political divisiveness and weighty social justice issues and your stress levels up from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to Apocalypse Now.

It doesn’t have to feel this way. Nothing around you has to change before you feel better. Empower yourself. Here’s a toolbox for relieving the emotional charge.

Expectations: Lower them. If you ask me, this is where the low-hanging fruit lies for increased holiday joy. Let go of the expectation that everything – or anything – will be “perfect.” Seriously, why do we do this to ourselves? Expecting this year to be the year Grandma isn’t critical, your teenager isn’t surly, Uncle Frank gave up drinking and Cousin Kyle won't burn the stuffing is a recipe for disappointment.

So how do you deal with all this? See more below.

Boundaries: Set them. Start with yourself. Make two kinds of pie instead of five – or buy them! I promise you will not be arrested for neglect, even if hubby makes a pouty face.

Now about setting boundaries with others: they’re not meant to change anyone else’s behavior. Read that again (and then review “Expectations” above). Boundaries are about what you will or will not accept. The other person’s response is completely up to them.

Here are the four steps to setting boundaries:

• ?Get very clear on the boundary. Where is the line?
• ?Decide what you’ll do if the boundary is broken. Be specific. Be sure. People will test you.
• Communicate the boundary. Clearly. It’s okay if you’re shaky, just do it. Give the other person a chance. They may surprise you. If they don’t this shows them the line.
• Follow through. If the boundary is broken (and it will be, especially if you’re new at this), follow through. No drama necessary. You already set the stage in step three. Channel compassion. Be kind but firm.
• Bonus step: Feel your self-respect rise. ?

If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it’ll be uncomfortable, but I guarantee over time it’ll improve your relationships with others – and yourself. Poor boundaries make for low self-esteem. Here’s a more in-depth look at boundary-setting and some examples of how to set them.

Obligations: release them. Whenever I say this, people look at me like I’ve lost my mind. “How can we tell Mom we won’t be trekking the kids up to Jersey for Christmas?!” You may feel similarly obligated to travel or you may feel pressure to cook, gift, visit or volunteer. These are all choices. Own them. The simple act of acknowledging that you have a choice, that you can say no will relieve some tension. And then decide to do it from a place of love. Listen, if you’re going to do it anyway why bring all that negative emotion along?

If you can’t move your feelings at least a good part of the way into the positive zone, just say no. If you feel like you can’t say no see “Boundaries” above.

Start small if you need to. A simple, “It would be so helpful if everyone contributes a dish to the meal this year. Will you bring your famous sweet potatoes?” may just do the trick. If the thought of relinquishing control over the entire menu makes you itchy, see “Expectations” above.

Caution: people are not required to be happy about your decisions. Someone may be disappointed; it just doesn’t always have to be you. If you’re doing something only to get others’ approval that’s a good sign it’s time to let it go.

Grace: Offer it. Someone’s going to say something that irritates or outright offends you. I’ve decided to start a daily “grace practice,” similar to a gratitude practice. It begins with me being honest with myself. Have I said things I wish I hadn’t or that, upon reflection, are insensitive or even inappropriate? Heck, yes. When I remind myself of this it’s easier to show grace for others. Taking a beat to remember they are wholly human and likely acting from ignorance, habit, fear or misunderstanding allows me to approach the conversation calmly. ?

When my young adult children get up in arms about something an elder says I gently suggest that there are likely things they’re saying or doing right now that will be unacceptable in 20 years. That’s the way humans evolve. They can still opt to let the elder know what they said upset them, but a touch of humility softens their attitude.

Please do yourself a favor and pick your battles. You’re not going to change anyone’s mind about their political leanings, medical opinions or stance on social justice movements over the holiday ham. If a comment is directly related to human oppression, I feel it’s my duty to call it out. If something simply controversial comes up I may choose to share a story (facts will not change the narrative). I let everything else pass. With grace. I am not the harbinger of all that is right and just. Grace lives in the gray.

I hope you’ll choose to find more joy this season. It is a choice.

Remembering this is a gift to yourself.

P.S. If you’re truly interested in developing a grace practice, I suggest watching “How to Disagree Without Ruining the Holidays,” a 30-minute interview Marie Forleo recorded with senior political analyst Kirsten Powers. Powers faces many more challenging conversations than most people will have in a lifetime and was suffering. Her insights are life-changing. I can’t wait to read her book!

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