Choose Love

On August 22, 2017, while my son Aaron was celebrating his birthday at Bandito’s in Ogunquit, Maine I was practicing with our agency pitch team in a hotel conference room in Colorado.

We generally plan our summer trip to Maine during Christmas break. We coordinate with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and our kids get a full week at the beach with their four cousins. We have done a beach week almost every summer (pandemic and moves notwithstanding) since 2008. It is a sacred time, and our kids have a strong relationship with their cousins even though they live six hours away.

In March of 2017 one of our biggest clients announced they would be putting their account up for review. The details came out in June and our presentation date in Denver would be the morning of August 23rd. I discussed the conflict with my partners and with my wife. Everyone was exceedingly understanding, but the decision was left with me. I made the call to leave vacation and go to Denver.

On the morning of Aaron’s birthday, our group had breakfast at The Egg and I. Afterwards I set out for Logan. I hear it was an epic day in Ogunquit. My brother-in-law took on the role of camp counselor and led all six kids tubing down the Ogunquit River, allowing them to ride it all the way into the Atlantic. He even accepted a challenge from my nephew and ate a spoonful of five start hot sauce at Bandito’s that night.

We went back to Bandito’s in 2018 and 2019 on Aaron’s birthday. It is his favorite restaurant in the world. The hot sauce and river story are often recounted, and I give my brother-in-law a smile of gratitude that I hope masks my regret.

No one likes to make the same mistake twice. In this case, I repeated a big one.

My wife and I were married on August 3, 2002. The date was on the books eight months in advance and my mother-in-law did an amazing job planning a very special evening. I was an Associate Brand Manager at the Snapple Beverage Group. Our leadership team made the decision to host our sales meeting in New York City that summer to demonstrate our commitment to our home market. The meeting theme was “Six in the City” (it was 2002 and we had recently acquired Nantucket Nectars, our sixth brand). It was set to begin on Tuesday, August 6th.

You see where this is going. I was a junior marketer managing our allied brands (aka, the small ones). I do not remember much about the programs I presented. I believe we were planning an under-the-cap Thunderbird giveaway for Stewart’s. At the time it felt very important. So after our wedding, my wife and I drove from Maryland to New York City and I attended the sales meeting.

The company was exceedingly kind to me. I got an award at the opening session for my “spirit.” They sent a Town Car to take me and my wife to the airport for our honeymoon after the closing session. Kathleen Piper, my boss at the time, felt so bad that she handed me a wad of cash at breakfast on the last morning. Again, I made that decision and I own it.

With the benefit of time, in both instances I know I made the wrong decision. I was motivated by self-importance and fear. I lacked boundaries and I chose my profession over my family.

A few weeks after our honeymoon, I received a new brand assignment. Suddenly the success of the Thunderbird program no longer mattered. The pitch in Denver? It did not go our way. As a wise mentor once said, the incumbent agency in a pitch is like a bull in a bullfight. You are expected to perform, but you will be killed in the end. In both instances, life went on.

Being driven and focused on your career is a good thing. But you need to ensure your motivation comes from the right place and that you do what you really want to do, not what you think you are supposed to do. It comes down to this. When faced with a choice between work and family, choose to be motivated by love, not fear.