On Choices and Regrets

Before I got pregnant, I was getting restless at work. It's no secret that I tend to disengage when I have to do the same thing over and over again. Or a better way to phrase it is that I have to work a lot harder to engage at work when I am simply going through the same tasks every day. Variety is truly the spice of my life and I love a role that throws me into different projects and situations. I like to learn, and learn constantly.

A few opportunities came up to do some work for some really great start-ups. They touted products that actually impacted people's lives directly and any work I did would have that same direct impact. The leaders in these start-ups were exactly what leaders should be: compassionate, passionate, intelligent and strategic. Plus they were approachable and down-to-earth and trusted their teams to have the expertise to do the work well. The more I learned about the people and the products, the more I realized how much I wanted to work in an environment like that.

Then I found out I was pregnant. One of the many benefits of working at a large corporation is that there is a level of stability. At least in my situation, salary was more than we needed and the health benefits were top notch. Plus, that wonderful thing known as parental leave. However, start-ups and new companies don't have the same resources and offerings.

There were many conversations that were had, options available to try and attempts to meet me where I was, entering a new phase of life. I wanted so badly to jump into a new role. In addition to wanting to constantly learn, I also want my work to produce real, tangible results, something that is often difficult to achieve (or at least see the achievement) in a large corporate environment.

I did what I often do when I am conflicted about making a decision: I talked to trusted friends. I laid out the situation and all the options and all of my back-and-forth arguments with myself. On the one hand, the long-term impact that one of these new opportunities could bring would be great for our family. But on the other hand, what we needed now was probably stability and certainty. But on the other hand, I could probably work shortly after having a baby (um for me, that was dead wrong), and on the other hand, it would be nice to have that time with the new baby without worrying about work. I mean, I flip-flopped all over the place and would often find myself going down a hole of double-talking myself! So when I laid it all out, the answer often was, "You need to do what's best for you and your family right now."

My husband and I also had many, many conversations about what I should do. To his credit, he is always encouraging me to try new things and push myself when it comes to work. He had been excited for me to try something new, even if it meant a pay decrease and potentially more work, knowing that it would make me happier in my profession. But he also knows that family and loved ones comes before anything else, and that I was very torn about what to do about my career life. He asked a lot of questions, getting me to talk through what I was thinking (usually the hardest part). His final thought was that it was up to me. Which probably sounds unhelpful, but was good to know that he trusted my judgment and decision-making skills, even if I did not.

Ultimately, I decided to stay put. For one, being married to a serial entrepreneur, we needed reliable and good health benefits. We also needed that steady income as we started to prepare for the role of parents. And finally, and almost most importantly, we decided that making a huge life change (by completely shifting jobs) would be too much on top of an already gigantic life change (birthing and caring for a small human) that would no doubt be physically, emotionally and mentally draining. It made sense, and even now looking back, I know that was the right decision for our family at the time.

However, as we all know, even if it was the right decision, that doesn't always make it feel like the best decision. And by best decision, I mean the best decision for me.

It's been a year since our little human made his grand entrance into the world, and I still get these pangs of regret when I see updates from the brands I could have worked for. They are doing wonderfully, gaining traction as companies and already making a huge impact in people's lives. That's what I live to do. My personality, both at work and outside of work, is driven by relationships and helping other people. Every single test I take that assesses strengths, workplace style, what drives me... it always comes back to helping people. When I do work that doesn't fall in to that category, I get really stressed and annoyed and unhappy. So seeing that there were opportunities that I "missed" that make a difference in the world, makes me kind of sad. Plus it probably doesn't help that I have a general case of FOMO, and apparently it applies to work opportunities too.

When I say regret, by the way, I don't mean that I regret having a child or making the decision I made. It's just a strange disappointment that I missed out on something. There is still a part of me, the selfish part of me, that wishes I had just done what I wanted to and hoped that everything would work out just fine. And I'm sure that if I had changed jobs, it would have been fine. There may have been a few additional stressful nights and weekends and frustration, but it would have been okay.

The funny thing is, if I had done that, I might be in the same place I am today, regretting that I didn't maintain the status quo. Mom friends that I've talked to who went back to work struggle with the same question. Should they have done something different? Would it have been better? And that's just it - we can spend our whole lives chasing what could have been or regretting the things we didn't do. That can lead to all sorts of things, bitterness, contempt, unhappiness, discontent... STRESS. None of those things sound great, right?

Instead, what I am learning, is that I need to own my decisions and be grateful for where it lead me to today. Cheering on and supporting others who are doing amazing things, and then stepping back (metaphorically) and thinking about all the amazing things that I gained with the decisions that I made.

Motherhood is a marathon and there are days when I have no idea if what I am doing is making a difference (I'll tackle the ROI of motherhood later). I mean, I know based on research that it is, but really I don't know and can't see how my job as a mother is making a difference in the day-to-day. And I know this isn't something unique to me or even stay-at-home moms. It's something that all moms experience and worry about. Parents, even, trying to fully understand their influence on children. It probably doesn't help that the only verbal response I currently get from my little one is a lot of grunting and squeaking.

I had a lot of grand plans for my life before kids, before getting married. And while I would still love to move to Nashville and pursue music, or move to LA and pursue acting, or move to Paris and eat carbs and cheese all day... the fact is that my life has shifted and my priorities have changed. Now I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful little boy - the latter of which I am still in awe of (he is half me, half my husband?? What kind of miraculous miracle is that!) and a life that I love.

It's okay that I still sometimes wonder "what if", but life is never simple and it's always evolving. And I'm okay with that. The beautiful thing is, tomorrow is always a new day and there will always be new opportunities and new ways to make a difference in other people's lives.