Is Childrenting More Difficult than Parenting?

"Family is not an important thing. It’s everything."– Michael J. Fox

As a mother of two girls, I often grapple with the complexities of parenting. I worry whether I am too harsh or too lenient, constantly questioning my skills. This journey has led me to some key realizations.

One significant aspect is the conditioning that starts from a young age. For instance, my daughter is often reminded to sit properly and be gentle. These subtle expectations gradually shape their behavior and self-perception, and it's something I actively try to balance at home. But then I wonder, by constantly telling her that way, am I reducing her self-confidence or am I treating her like a "typical" girl?

Women often empathize with each other, but there's a subconscious comparison. For example, I once overheard a friend say, “I managed with three kids, why can’t she handle two?” This mentality can hinder genuine support. True allyship among women requires recognising these comparisons and fostering an environment where we uplift each other without judgment. Are we constantly trying to outdo each other in a friendly competition of who can be the most frazzled yet functional mom?

As a working woman in a corporate job, the balancing act becomes even more complex. Parenting is a challenging journey filled with self-doubt and societal pressures. By understanding the impact of conditioning, fostering true allyship among women, and focusing on empowerment rather than special treatment, we can navigate these challenges more effectively. Remember, it’s not just about parenting; it’s about building a supportive and equitable world for our children to thrive in.

Now let’s consider ‘Childrenting’,(I actually coined a new word here! :P )where we take care of our parents. We often believe our parents conditioned us a certain way and may feel we’re doing a better job. However, this situation is complex. We are the "sandwich generation," caught between the demands of raising children and caring for aging parents.I remember explaining the significance of the varied traditions to my kids and the rationale for doing certain religious customs which even I wasn’t so sure about but just followed the parents sake. Balancing these requires us to adapt and sometimes compromise our own preferences to make our parents happy. It's like playing a game of emotional Twister — left hand on "patience," right foot on "understanding," and hoping you don't fall over. Managing expectations is tough. For instance, my parents have their own set of rules to follow best for food preferences as per seasons, and god beliefs. Balancing their needs with our own desires can be challenging.

How much should we suppress our aspirations to meet their expectations? It's a delicate balance: it may be too late for our parents to fully understand our psyche, and too early for our children to grasp our intentions. We are the ones navigating this intricate balance, often at the cost of our own energy and patience. My daughter once asked, "Aai, why do you look tired and why do you get irritated so fast?" to which I had no answer. Is it the frustration of not letting it go that piles up over the years?

As a working mom and a working daughter(in law),the demands are constant, leaving little room for personal respite. In this demanding cycle, we find ourselves catering to both our children and our parents, sometimes doubting our very purpose. The essential question remains: whom should we prioritize—our children or our parents—and how do we maintain our sense of self in the process? By reflecting on these challenges and embracing both roles with empathy and resilience, we can better navigate the intricate dynamics of childrenting and parenting, ensuring a harmonious and fulfilling life for all generations involved. And remember, sometimes all it takes is a little humour, a lot of patience, and the occasional deep breath to keep moving forward.Well, that is something I keep reminding myself, and I'm not sure if I have been successful at it!

"To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors."

– Tia Walker