Children Grieve Too

Most of my writing comes from my own personal experience with the grief of losing my husband and what I have learned from it.?One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that grief and loss is so misunderstood.?These lessons of how to deal with loss was taught to us at such a young age and became a part of our belief system.?So much of my healing was having to “unlearn” these old ideas and beliefs so I could learn all the right ways to deal with my grief.?

As I reflected on some of those early days after Frank’s death, I realized that how I grieved and how my kids grieved, were what my granddaughters understood to be the right way to grieve.?We all did our best to “be strong” or “be strong for others”, which is one of the myths of grief.?I am so thankful that I took the Grief Recovery Method workshop when I did so that I could lead my family in dealing with grief in an effective way.

My grandbabies have been such a light for me since Frank died and they are the motivating reason that I worked hard to heal my broken heart.?Avah was 6 years old; Kira was 2 years old and Lilli was one years old when he died.?Avah had the most time with her papa and has her own memories of him.?Watching her feel such sadness over his loss broke my heart even more.?At the young age of 6, she was terrified about what had happened and how this would affect our family.?She, like all of us, tried her best to “be strong” and, even thought, she needed to be strong for me.?She did this by staying by my side many times when I was so sad and rubbed my back or gave me a hug when I was crying.?

Kira being only 2, appeared to be “ok” most times but had lots of questions about where her papa was at now.?She was sad that she could never see or talk to him.?What I remember most about those early days was that Kira became very wise and so in touch with her human emotions. And for me, that filled my heart with so much love and sadness at the same time.

Lilli was the baby at the time of Frank’s death.?She actually liked her papa more than me when he was alive ?? but, when he died and she saw me sad, she came to me.?She wanted me to hold her more and for me, this was one of my biggest comforts back then.?I don’t believe Lilli has her own memories of him but remembers him through us and the stories we tell about him.?

Once I realized that being strong and grieving alone were not an effective way to grieve, I embraced my emotions and gave myself permission to feel.?This showed my granddaughters and my adult kids that having human emotions other than happiness and joy were ok.?Now, my granddaughters are so in tune with their emotions that when they have moments of missing their papa, they give themselves permission to feel and cry and I love how their parents hold space for them during these times.

Kids soak up everything like a sponge.?What they hear and what they see...from us, the adults in their life, from the internet and T.V. and pretty much everything around them.?What we teach our kids is what will then become a part of their belief system. Unfortunately, any “misinformation” we may have learned growing up is likely to be passed on to our kids.?This is especially true when it comes to dealing with loss.?Most of us learn what to do when we acquire something in our lives, but we are never taught what to do when we lose something or someone.

The other unfortunate thing we do as adults is rob our kids of their dignity to feel their “own” emotions by telling them how they should feel or making them feel bad for feeling a certain way or even worse to stop feeling a certain way.?So, the next time you ask your kids “what’s wrong?” and they say “nothing”, think about what you have taught them about human emotions and especially about how to deal with loss.

Grief is misunderstood globally.?Our parents and our parents’ parents and generations before them were all taught all the wrong things about grief and loss. You can break that cycle NOW by learning the right tools to effectively grieve and then teach your kids to do the same.

Depression, anxiety, obesity, addictions, suicide and so much more are affecting kids younger and younger.?Don’t wait until it’s too late.?If you know you have unhealed trauma and loss, find someone to help you heal. YOU don't have to do do it alone. You are always welcome to email or DM me and I can share with you what I did to embark on my own healing journey.??Your loved ones deserve the best "healed" version of YOU.