A childish problem most of us face

A student recently sent me the following email:

I have thought for a long to mail you regarding a problem which I have been facing.


I know the problem is a bit childish, but I thought I could discuss it with you.?


I am having a few of my very close friends who have gone to IIM ABC ,and when I see their social media status, I feel like crying. I always want the best for them, but somehow I feel bad about myself.?


I failed in CAT last year, and sometimes I still feel terrible about that.?


I am completely enjoying my GMAT journey ,but seeing my friends enjoying their IIM makes me feel very very frustrated.?


It's even affecting my health and study. Sometimes I have no control over my emotions.?


A lot of my friends got the chance of doing work from home whereas I struggled between physical office and study.?


These things make me feel that why every bad thing has to happen to me?


I don't feel good about any of these things.??        

Have you heard of the term "silly doubt"?

Many students preface their questions with the comment, "I have some silly doubts."

Either we have grown so judgmental that we judge even our doubts, or we make such statements to lessen the impact of others' judgments ("Before they judge me, I'll judge myself." That's a way to reduce the hurt and the pain I'll face when others judge me; that's a way to protect myself.)

How can doubts be silly?

Just the fact that you have a doubt makes the doubt worthwhile. No?

Of course, you may have some doubts that most others may not have. You may not be clear about something that almost everybody is clear about. Does that make your doubt "silly"?

No. "Silly" is a judgment you have for the doubt. Why have you chosen to judge your doubt?

You may choose not to.

If the other person still chooses to judge your doubt as silly, forgive the other person for his lack of maturity. He is still into judging others' doubts rather than resolving them.

Now, returning to the email in which the student calls his problem "childish". If we call the problem the student has described childish, I believe most of us are childish to some extent.

The student (let's say Amar) writes:

I am having a few of my very close friends who have gone to IIM ABC ,and when I see their social media status, I feel like crying.

Amar's friends have achieved what he could not, and they are enjoying their achievements. Amar is very sad about that.

If his friends were not enjoying their achievements and were instead frustrated with their achievements, Amar would feel better.

If his friends had not achieved what they have achieved, Amar would feel even better.

Amar, in a way, wants all of his friends to fail to feel better about his failure.

Of course, Amar is not unique in this respect. I believe many of us are like this. If we have failed, we want others to fail too to feel better about our failure.

Why do we feel better when others have failed?

Because we can then put the blame for our failure on something external. If I have failed but everybody else has succeeded, the problem clearly lies with me. I'm bad; I'm deficient; I'm unworthy.

These are the thoughts we have when we fail while others succeed. These are the thoughts of self-rejection.

We reject ourselves when we fail while others succeed.

This is what hurts a lot. This is what is very painful.

The most intimate relationship we have in our lives is our relationship with ourselves. How painful it would be to be rejected in that relationship!

If we choose to accept ourselves in cases in which we fail while others succeed, if we choose to consider ourselves worthy in those cases, if we choose to have unconditional positive regard for ourselves even in the face of our failures, we'll cease to be threatened by our failures; we'll not go through the significant pains that we currently go through in such situations; we'll stop wishing the failure of others.

In a way, we don't wish for the failure of others; we wish for the lessening of our pain and hurt. If others fail, our pain goes down since we stop calling ourselves deficient and bad; we stop rejecting ourselves; we start blaming something external.

If all of us have failed, the problem clearly lies somewhere outside; perhaps, the problem is difficult; perhaps, the outside situation is not conducive to solving the problem. The problem doesn't lie with me. So, I don't have a reason to reject myself. Thus, I feel okay.

However, if the problem lies with me, I have a reason to reject myself. Then, it's very painful.

Amidst all of this, we don't realize that we have a choice to not reject ourselves.

YES!

We can choose to accept and love ourselves, irrespective of how many failures we face in life. Others may judge us; others may consider us unworthy. However, I can decide not to judge myself; I can decide to accept myself unconditionally; I can decide to have unconditional positive regard for myself.

If I make such a decision, I'll not be afraid of failure, and I'll not want others to fail to feel better about myself.

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I always want the best for them, but somehow I feel bad about myself.

Let me speak from my experience.

I have paid attention to my thoughts. It seems that I want the best for them as long as what's best for them doesn't make them superior to me. Of course, why would I want people around me to be superior to me?

They should be happy; they should succeed; That's all fine.

But they shouldn't be superior to me.

When will they be superior to me?

When they have more wealth than me; when they have more career success than me; etc

In a way, I don't want the best for them. I just want them to be reasonably happy and successful so that I'm not surrounded by sad people. In a way, I don't want their welfare; I want my welfare. When my welfare is threatened (e.g., in the case in which they achieve more than me), I don't want their welfare.

Oh! I always thought I was the person who wanted the best for others! And here I am - a thoroughly self-centered person!

How can I live with myself?!

Let me tell you how I live with myself.

I refuse to judge myself. I continue to accept myself.

The reason many of us don't dare to face our realities is that we'll reject ourselves when we see our true selves. However, unless we face the reality, how can we ever change it?

So, what is needed is unconditional self-acceptance.

In addition, I'm now aware that I consider a person superior if he has more wealth or career success than me because I define a person's worth by these criteria. Just the awareness of these criteria makes me question the criteria. As long as I define a person's worth by the person's achievements, I'll feel superior in the company of people who have accomplished less than me and inferior in the company of people who have accomplished more than me.

Do I want to remain this kind of person?

Perhaps, not.

So, I choose to consciously work on my criteria for defining a person's worth. As I have thought, I have realized that my peace lies in having no criteria; a human being is worthy just because of their existence.

These things make me feel that why every bad thing has to happen to me?

When I'm focusing intently on an experience that I judge as negative, I tend to think that my life is filled with such negative experiences. My focus is like a magnifying glass; it magnifies one or two events of my life to encompass my whole life. However, when I'm positive, I can see that my life is also filled with a lot of experiences that I judge as positive.

Similarly, Aman - I can perhaps understand why you feel so. However, in such times, it may be helpful to not lose perspective, i.e., to not let one or two experiences control our experience of life.

I don't feel good about any of these things.??

I don't feel good about being a person who is not happy with others' successes. This is again self-rejection. I don't want to be the person that I am. I reject my present self. I don't want it. I want to throw it away.

This is self-rejection.

The way out is self-acceptance. The way out is self-respect. The way out is the following attitude:

If I believe I can be better than I currently am, I will gradually work on myself. However, as I work to change myself to become better than I am, I choose to love and respect myself. Since I have decided that a person is worthy of love and respect just because the person exists, I will continue to consider myself worthy of love and respect, irrespective of how many flaws I see in myself. This is perhaps the biggest undertaking of my life. However, I am excited about it. I'm excited about building the most intimate relationship of life - my relationship with myself - into a relationship of unconditional love and regard.