The "Chicken Soup Monster".

The Widow Maker

Notoriety snuck in one night. I believe this happened at 4 am on a Tuesday morning in New Jersey when I woke up feeling weird.  Something felt bad. I had a numb jaw and vague pain in my arm and back.  That’s it.  Something in me made me react and wake my husband who was not impressed.  As I looked into the eyes of my (then) husband and realized that I had made a poor choice; he closed his and went back to LaLa Land. There was no elephant on my chest. Maybe gas?

It was not something I ate.

(Who eats at 4am?  In New Jersey? In their sleep?

I know I thought I was dying.  I was scared shitless. I KNEW it was heart. You do not mess with the heart.

Yep, it’s been a year since I had a little “cardiac event”. OK, it really wasn’t so little. I had a massive heart attack — what cardiologists refer to as, “The Widow Maker.” This is a 100% blockage in my Left Anterior Descending (LAD) coronary artery and a 95% blockage in my Left Circumflex (LCX) artery.

It’s a killer.  You go to the toilet and never leave. At age 30 or 40 without a warning. I remembered my cousins who died young.  One, an MD without any previous history - and in excellent health. Me? The skinny one? Always moving and at least 10 steps ahead of the rest my whole life? Heck NO.  

To others who have experienced MI – this is no ordinary heart attack.

The widow maker is notorious. These are the events, which cause death within a 5-minute window, and few survive. Those who have survived have not spoken.

I have decided that I shall. It has cost me more than you could ever imagine. My independence – my sassiness – confidence – my basic life skills – all so affected by this newbie – this sudden death out of nowhere. Who knew? I remember my mom and dad calling me in the ER from Cape Town to apologize for the lousy genetics. I was doped. I did not get it. All I knew was that I was angry, determined to live, to thrive and to survive no matter what or who would try to stop me.

I’ve never felt that kind of pain. The physical pain during the heart attack was excruciating. That was pretty short-lived though. The mental pain lasted a lot longer.

Now before someone goes off and calls the guys in the white coats to bring me a straightjacket, rest assured that mentally, I’m fine now. Physically? Better than ever. Losing 20 pounds, eating better and exercising goes a long way.

Now 3 years on - years removed from that awful day I get this little thought in my head. It’s weird, and difficult to wrap my arms around…

Yep. What it amounted to was a swift kick in the pants. Or maybe it was more like getting smacked by a 2×4 across the back of your skull. The proverbial “wake up call.”

I needed to make some lifestyle changes, swiftly.  

I am a very lucky woman. I’m lucky that I was home, surrounded by family at the time of the heart attack. I am lucky that I was only three miles from one of the best heart hospitals on the East Coast. I was lucky that my ambulance driver drove like a wild man. Lucky everyone pulled over for him. I don’t know if it was luck or “the system” that gave me incredible care providers fast, to the simply amazing doctors and nurses who took that chance with me.  

Whatever it was, I literally owe those people my life. There are no words to express my gratitude to them all. Thank you, from the bottom of my damaged heart.  

Depending on whose data you look at, survival rate for the Widow Maker heart attack is 5 to 10%. I beat the odds.

Yes indeed, I am a very lucky woman.  I have a 6th sense.  It comes and goes.

With incredible support from my family and friends, I’ve managed to make the most of this little health crisis. Other people have too. I travel a lot and invariably where ever I go someone comes up to me and says my heart scare got them motivated to lose weight, exercise and/or stop smoking.

I find that unbelievably cool.

When I sat down to write this piece, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. I figured I would get all emotional and misty-eyed recalling the really shitty day of the attack and all that’s transpired since then.

But you know what?

Screw that. Believe me, it is REALLY easy to feel sorry for yourself when something like this happens. I assure you that facing your own mortality blows and seriously jacks with your head. Oh I could talk more about the pain, all the medications and side effects, the really crappy feeling that waking up every day and having the first thought in your head: “well, I didn’t die in my sleep!” creates.

Screw that. Sure, all that happened. But all that is over. Done. Finished.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. I no longer wake up thinking about dying (most of the time). I AM ALIVE!

And that, my friends, is what matters.

I’ve been given a second chance at life, something most people don’t get. That is a good thing. It’s been 3 years of hell.

In coronary artery disease that’s a big deal. After 12 months, the chances of restenosis (repeat blockage of coronary stents) are rare.

Rare yes but heck it did happen again. And again and again.

I had to be drilled. I have more spare parts than my Mac.

One day I may be able to remove or reduce certain medications. I won’t have to visit the cardiologist as often I hope - although he is a hunk!

Living rocks! It moves and sways and I like it. I plan on performing live for the rest of my life and doing better than anyone else at whatever I am doing.

Furthermore, I plan on dong it for a long, long time. Working is my therapy and it has saved my life. My mission to help others to live theirs in a positive and proactive way through my work as a therapist has caused problems. I am called many things - someone who makes excuses when I am truthful.  Yes, I should be more “private”.  

To this I say “The hell with that”

Heart Attack Symptoms in Women

It is so important to understand the signs of a heart attack. Everyone is different. I was lucky in that my symptoms were recognized by me. Others aren’t so lucky and walk around for days in the middle of a heart attack. Or they drop dead. Don’t be that person.

Women tend to have less intense symptoms than men and can be more likely to go longer before seeking treatment than men. We get funny feelings in our jaws or on the other side or just feel like we have flu. Ladies just because you are under 110 lbs. and walk all the time, you are at risk.  I don’t mean you should “diss” the evil eye 24/7 however remember that stress is the number one killer on the list. If you have a family history, pay attention.

And please, do what you can to control the factors you can control. Your weight, your diet, smoking, exercise. All that you can do something about and remember that you are the captain of your voyage through this life and life dances to your beat.

So do it!

Life is wonderful and we need to drink deeply at its source, and down every drop.

The last item anyone wants in his or her bucket list is to see the eyes of those who love you filled with fear and OMG what do we do now?

Do not allow yourself to become alienated from others because you saw death more than once and had the guts and strength to survive and thrive. 

That is not cause for punishment or undue harassment. 

Guys - allow survivors to survive. We may be less rare now than before but we did it!

We are walking working functional people with more skills than you will ever know. And most of all – we recover, we thrive, we produce and we are tough as nails. No medical problem is more terrifying than imminent death. Think about it before you categorize a friend or colleague. We all face death at all times.  

So in closing:

Watch me. Encourage me. I am strong.

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Update Sunday June 11, 2017

Since surviving certain death I have lost my support system. No surprise there but it was one hell of a shock to me.

I no longer have to be concerned that anyone who cares about me will be afraid. There is no one to pay attention to me, to listen to me or to ignore me.   

I don’t know how or why I am still alive.  For me this was a daily battle overcome until I moved here.  Now, with different medicines and without a support system this is the HARDEST thing I have ever done.

I had been having severe chest pains for over 3 weeks and was finally coerced into driving myself to the nearest ER far away from the high tech cardiologists I was used to.

Nevertheless I allowed myself to be admitted and tested and thank G-d I am fine.  I still have to watch what I eat and take the medications I hated.   

But on the flipside – I am productive, a stronger person and therapist with more empathy and insight toward my patients.  I get tired sometimes but that’s because I work too hard.  I have to learn to follow my own advice.  As a seriously stubborn PITA I probably never will.  However, when it is time for me to leave this world I will do so quietly without fanfare or remorse for I have lived a life which is full and travelled many highways.

As a man from Hoboken NJ said, “I did it my way”. 

Thank you Frankie!

With love and thanks and big hugs and kisses to my mom and dad and my daughter Melissa. You laughed with me in ICU and Melissa danced with me too.  You saved me from the abyss of what could have been.  I will NEVER forget it. l love you!

PITA – Pain in the Ass.