Cherish the opportunity to learn from your daily discussions

When we are young, we learn from everything. Whether at home, at school, or as we explore our surroundings, we go around trying things and asking questions, with a natural curiosity to discover the world around us. From such a blank canvas, we really take the time to listen and observe. We notice and absorb details because they are fresh and interesting. We make the effort to understand them and to build knowledge that we did not have before. We are seeing and experiencing things for the first time and are therefore captivated by them and approach every interaction with an openness and willingness to discover.

As adults, we may be older and wiser, but we seem to lack the wisdom to keep learning! The natural curiosity we had when we were younger is a wonderful gift, so why have we let it go? Learning should last a lifetime as however much we know, there is even more that we don’t know. But do we realise that? Instead of maintaining that eagerness to keep discovering by hearing what others have to say, we seem to start using discussions as a vehicle to share what we know. And instead of drawing some new knowledge or insight from the person we are talking to, we become over-keen to voice our opinion! This is crazy, because as the Dalai Lama said:

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.

I said in the introduction to this series last week that any discussion is a balance of talking and listening. This may be true but get any of us on subject where we have a strong opinion, then we tend to be overly good at the talking! And with this in mind, I think it is hugely beneficial to follow the invaluable advice of Will Rogers, the American silent movie star from the 1920s and 1930s, who suggested that we should:

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

This probably applies in most conversations! However, our ability to stop listening and learning is particularly problematic when we encounter people who think differently to us. We love to tell them why they are wrong and why we are right! But this is immensely presumptuous of us and actually pretty arrogant, because we certainly do not know everything and pretending that we do proves nothing. Moreover, as Bill Nye (the American science communicator and TV presenter) once said:

Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.

But we will only find that information that we don’t know if we let our counterparts talk, and if we engage in the discussion with a desire to capture the heart and soul of their argument. This means really listening to their views, testing out their theories with an open mind, and retaining that childlike curiosity that means we are excited at the chance of being surprised, rather than being scared that we may be proved wrong. This is hard, because we have entrenched opinions and deep-rooted beliefs that we are usually ready to defend like a fortress. But as pointed out by Professor Steven Pinker in his wonderful article for BBC News, this is a bad habit to be avoided. He went on to say that:

We can all promote reason by changing the mores of intellectual discussion, so people treat their beliefs as hypotheses to be tested rather than slogans to be defended.

This is so important, because our deep-held and beliefs are often not as accurate as we think they are. They can be riddled with the unconscious biases of the like-minded people that surround us or based on misinformation that has gradually become fact through the passing of time. And in any case, the world is fluid and so even if we were right in the first place, things can change and we need to react to that. We often believe that defending our position is a sign of strength, but a blind conviction that our path is right, irrespective of the valid challenges of others is more stupid than strong. Putting our head in the sand and stubbornly ignoring the different perspectives of others is therefore a weakness, rather than a strength.

So let’s commit to entering discussions with an open mind that is clear of intransigence. Let’s feel empowered by that freedom, as we recapture our curiosity and hunger to learn, qualities that we should never lose, however old we are and however much we know. Let’s enjoy the chance to ask questions and enjoy the new insight and fresh perspectives that we gain. This does not mean we should abandon our strong views, and it does not mean we will be swayed by everything we hear. But we should always be prepared to be persuaded, and on the odd occasion that we hear something compelling, we should have the courage to change our mind. The rest of the time, we at least leave the discussion with an understanding of why others may have a different perspective rather than a self-righteous presumption that we are right and they are wrong.

James Wyatt, Author of The Art of Discussion