THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE: IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S MY NEUROTRANSMITTERS
Have you ever felt connected to someone in a way you can't explain? Anyone who has been in love knows that love involves intense, chaotic and sometimes even contradictory feelings. It's not that we've gone crazy, it's that when we fall in love, we release a cocktail of chemicals that revolutionise our feelings.
If you reduce our feelings to the chemical process of falling in love, all the magic is lost, but the chemistry of love encompasses a universe of electrical reactions and nerve impulses that can give us the most powerful feelings.
THE CHEMISTRY OF FALLING IN LOVE
All this storm of emotions has its origin in a chemical infatuation. When we fall in love, our bodies start secreting chemicals in industrial quantities. These can make us feel a surge of energy, excitement and happiness, or, on the contrary, an absolute and painful low. Like a drug, the chemistry of love can even make us feel like we are in love with someone. In fact, these reactions are very similar to those of cocaine, opiates and OCD.
First phase of the chemistry of love: the love hormone is ignited.
The chemical process of falling in love begins with attraction, but what exactly is it that attracts us to the other person? Each of us has different and often unconscious preferences. We tend to like people who are similar to us, who have a similar level of intelligence, a similar sense of Humor, similar values, and so on. But there are many such people and, of course, we don't fall in love with all of them.
The truth is that there is little you can do to control who you are attracted to and who you are not, because chemical infatuation begins in an invisible and imperceptible realm: we are attracted to people with a different immune system to our own, and it is their scent, of which we are not aware, that guides us. The reason for this has to do with our reproductive instinct: the offspring of a couple with very different immune systems have a more diverse genetic load.
Although society and even our personal expectations often go in a different direction, our brains have evolved to facilitate procreation as far as possible. And love leads to this. So when we fall in love, we release chemicals that make us feel good.
Dopamine: the love drug
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that makes us feel joy and euphoria when we are with the person we love. It has a strong reward system and therefore creates the "need" to be with that person. Interestingly, it is the same neurotransmitter that is activated by gambling and drugs. In both love and drugs, when dopamine disappears, monkey, sadness and obsession appear.
Norepinephrine: the roller coaster ride begins
Norepinephrine gives us an adrenaline rush, a very sympathetic hormone that makes our heart beat faster, our blood pressure rise, our palms sweat and we blush. It also triggers the rollercoaster of emotions we feel when we fall in love and makes us feel like we're losing our minds. It makes us feel such joy, exuberance and even disproportionate nervousness that it can turn off feelings of hunger and sleep. Thanks to noradrenaline, we stop thinking clearly and, without realising it, we have reduced our world to a single person: we have fallen in love.
Phenylethylamine, how intense you are!
Now that the chemical process of falling in love is more advanced, there is a substance that floods your body and dominates you completely: phenylethylamine. In gastronomic terms, phenylethylamine is the salt in the steak, the parmesan in the pasta dish. Like the umami taste, this neurotransmitter makes everything even more intense. It combines with the other compounds in the chemistry of love and makes us feel incredibly happy, optimistic and motivated.
By now, you won't be surprised to learn that phenylethylamine is part of the amphetamine family. But don't worry, you don't have to be in love or commit a crime to get your phenylethylamine fix: chocolate is known for its high phenylethylamine content. That's why it's so common to crave chocolate after a break-up.
Second phase of the chemistry of love: hormonal connection
Without a doubt, the neurochemicals mentioned above dominate the most passionate phase of falling in love.
Of course, other chemicals are also present in this first phase, but they become more important when desire, nerves or even obsession for the other person start to wane: this is the time to strengthen the bond between the couple.
In addition to chemical infatuation, this phase is also influenced by factors related to attachment and stability.
Oxytocin: cuddling has chemistry too
Oxytocin helps us create a lasting bond with our partner and is released during physical contact, especially during orgasm. When we hold hands, hug or kiss, our brain releases a surge of oxytocin, which makes us feel closer to our partner. However, it should be noted that our fantasies and our expectations (realistic or not) act as a form of contact and cause us to release more oxytocin, with the same results.
Oxytocin also influences jealousy. When faced with a situation that we perceive as "threatening", oxytocin levels drop and cortisol levels rise, causing fear, panic and anxiety.
Serotonin: the neurotransmitter of happiness
During infatuation, serotonin makes us feel happy just to be with our partner. But, like a drug, the brain gets used to serotonin and demands a higher and higher dose. This is why some people constantly seek new lovers or demand more and more love from their current partner.
If you want to keep your serotonin levels high, you'll be glad to know that you don't have to go that far. Positive experiences and thoughts also increase serotonin levels. In contrast, unpleasant thoughts, bad news, worry and anger lower serotonin levels.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE LOVE HORMONE IS SWITCHED OFF?
As we have said, these neurotransmitters are linked to strong reward systems and that is why they make us feel so good. It becomes problematic when the relationship ends, the other person withdraws or when our expectations are not met. Then the levels of the love chemicals can plummet, leaving us in a state of deep frustration, anxiety and sadness.
When this happens, our brain needs some time to recover and return to normal chemical levels. In addition, contact with an ex-partner can easily trigger the reactivation of neurotransmitter release and we fall back into the previous pattern. This is why most psychologists recommend non-contact therapy to overcome a break-up.
Or when do we confuse the chemical formulas of love and being in love?
It can also happen that you still love your partner, but you feel that "it's not the same anymore". When the chemical tsunami hits, it is often interpreted as a loss of love. In reality, the neural receptors have become accustomed to the chemical onslaught. But a distinction must be made between infatuation and love. While the former is nothing more or less than a series of chemical reactions, love involves more factors, such as beliefs and values centred on commitment and stability of the partner.
RESULTS OF THE LOVE FORMULA: WHICH REACTION IS BETTER: CHEMISTRY OR REASON?
Whether we like it or not, the chemistry of love governs much of our behaviour. But even when a person triggers this chemical cocktail, we still have some control over it. It is important to be aware of this and to break with the belief that there is nothing we can do about falling in love. Many toxic relationships continue because they are "in love", but we can always intervene. After all, we are rational beings and can use reason to decide what is best for us.
Knowing the neurochemical signals, however confusing they may be, helps us to manage our emotions.
Liebe vs. Chemie https://www.fernarzt.com/magazin/liebe-vs-chemie/