Checking In: the power of intention, reflection, and action to be your best and help others do the same

I've learned that being our best at work is directly related to being our best at home, despite the common belief that we have to trade off one for the other.

Most of us have a moment when we wish we could get more done with what we have or even wish we had something different or "more": time, relationships and energy to name a few. One of the techniques I've learned to use across all parts of my life is the concept of "checking in" to make the most of where I am and who and what I have in my life.

My two best "checking in" practices are first checking in with myself: "The Hot Shot Rule" (envisioning a badass in my role and challenging myself to see my job through that new awesome person's eyes) and second, checking in with others for feedback: most commonly, "Check-Ins" with my husband (on what we call our monthiversary).

The headline of these practices is that making space to pause, reflect, connect, share intentions and take action not only demonstrates openness, but it actually moves us (and the things we are a part of) forward, faster.

I cover the Hot Shot Rule in other posts, but I get asked often about why personal "check-ins". Here's how it works:

My husband and I reserve an hour each month for our ‘check in'. This is always on our ‘monthiversary', the day of the month we met. This is an immovable object, a ritual, a saved space with the explicit purpose of connecting and giving and receiving feedback. It's a celebration of each other and our valued relationship as much as it is a commitment to grow together for ourselves and each other. If we are traveling, we face time. If we are in different time zones, we make it work. If the baby is busy or crying, we wait until he's asleep. We sometimes check-in in the morning over coffee, other times over wine at home – wherever we feel most focused on that day.

We first review our calendars from the last 30 days. Life is a whirlwind, and it helps ground us in what has gone on – good, bad or otherwise. We then remind each other that this is focused on our relationship (not just general occurrences), but if something really stands out – it's our question to answer.

Next, we go through our check-in questions. This is what you all have asked for – so this is the part to copy, paste and modify to make it work for you. Each question starts with, "when you look back at the last 30 days, what is…."

1.    …The best (thing, event, moment, memory)?

2.    …The worst?

3.    …One thing I can do differently (more, less, etc.) to be a more effective/better partner for you? 

The wording of this question is VERY important. Asking for 1 thing to make me a more effective partner seems to create optimal conditions for candor and focus. We used to ask for only 1 thing, then we noticed we were getting lazy and broad with this question. We wanted to challenge ourselves to get more specific, so we changed it to 1 item for each: what should I stop, start, continue, so it's really 3 things. It took us over 2 years to need that evolution, so I recommend starting with just "1 thing to do differently to be more effective", then when you graduate to wanting to go deeper, move to the 3 things:

·      1 thing to Stop

·      1 thing to Start

·      1 thing to Continue

4.    Your biggest worry?

5.    Your biggest point of pride/brag?

6.    Your greatest gratitude?

7.    Optional share: What is the thing that I/we spent money/time on that provides the most value /least value

8.    Goals check in - how can we help each other with goals? Pick 1 or 2

9.    What is one thing I have improved, what is one thing I have not improved (from our check-ins or stated commitments and goals)

10. What is an area we want to improve or focus on with family/our son?

The goal of this exercise is to dig deep, be specific and candid, listen and feel, ask clarifying questions, have further discussion if applicable, and most importantly, to grow for each other and ourselves. This DOES NOT take the place of discussing things in the moment – it is simply checking in on things that stand out most from the last 30 days.

Each quarter we do a deeper dive – our quarterly off-site – which sometimes is a vacation weekend or a ‘staycation' day (which just means getting a babysitter for a few hours). We take more time to go through our past month's check-ins, our personal and professional goals, our family goals and progress, go through our calendars for the next quarter, and make any updated commitments. We do the same thing at the end of the year as an annual check-in to wrap up the year and prepare for the next.

You can say this is soft and fluffy, or you could view it as total badassery in helping each other level up as an individual and partner. If it sounds like business planning, that’s the point! We put so much energy into our work and career planning because money and jobs are at stake – but what about the much more valuable elements… our relationships, love and our families? That's at stake, too and deserves reflection, intention and action. This practice helps us invest time and energy in the things that matter most.

When we met and realized we had something special, we decided we would have as much (if not more) intention around our relationship and our family as we do around our business. 36 monthly check-ins and 12 quarterly off-sites later, I can tell you that not only is the practice foundational to our relationship as we move through life's changes together, but it also builds muscles of communication, humility, and courage that shows up in our lives every day – in between the check-ins.

We have shared this practice with many friends over the years. If they implement it, they consistently come back and share how it has meaningfully affected their lives for the better. Some of them extend it to other parts of their lives with similar positive outcomes.

Checking In may seem simple, but if you unpack its power: pausing to reflect, being intentional, and taking immediate action can literally change your life at home and at work for the better. The exercise takes work and gets easier and better (like many things) with frequency and consistency.

As intimidating as it can be to envision feedback we might get from checking in with ourselves or others, I have decided to be more afraid of what happens if I don't know and don't change. Think of the opportunities to grow you could miss, the chance to listen and learn, the opportunity to connect and understand how you or what you are doing is viewed, and as importantly, the opportunity to improve.

Don't be afraid to start. In fact, be excited to get this going in your life or add it to parts of your life you haven’t previously. It does take humility to ask what can you do better, and it certainly takes courage to face the answer and apply the learning. However, I know that if I put my head in the sand and hope to not make waves or dig up a topic I’m avoiding, that I'm that much farther away from getting better.

Checking In is the art and practice of what I have learned are the 3A's of constant self-improvement: Ask. Answer. Act. I believe we'd be better off as individuals and as a society if we were more reflective and intentional in our efforts to constantly learn and grow. I hope this enhances your relationships and life in the way it has mine!