Check On Your Strong Friends

?? Welcome back to the Dreaming + Doing Sunday Digest, where we come to restore, reflect, and prepare for the week ahead.

ICYMI: Today marks the 105th issue of The Dreaming + Doing Digest! It is also the last issue for 2024 — read till the end for more details.

But first, today’s sermon....

How many of us in this room—Black women—are the strong friend? Raise your hand. Okay, now look around. Spoiler alert: it’s all of us. And herein lies the problem.

We are all carrying the weight, checking in on everyone else, holding space, and keeping it together even if we’re falling apart. But if we’re all the strong friend, who is checking on us??

As the year winds down and we enter that reflective season, it’s time we have an honest conversation about how we can show up for each other. Because for the next four years and perhaps beyond, we are all we got.?

The Myth of the Strong Black Woman Is Hurting Us

I come from a long line of strong Caribbean women. In my book, I share that endurance was among the many gifts I received from the women in my family. I learned to keep going and keep it together under impossible circumstances. I learned that if I stopped, whether because I was too tired or unsure of my next move, everything would come crashing down. So I kept going.?

It’s so easy to keep going because as long as you’re taking care of everyone else and getting praise for being the “strong”, you don’t have to face yourself.?

While we’re busy living up to the strong woman stereotype, we fail to see each other in our most vulnerable moments. This endless cycle of strength is not sustainable. It’s not noble and it’s not empowering. It only denies our humanity and the ability to see it in each other.?

Strength Without Support

Have you ever been asked, “How are you doing? No, for real, how are you?” and you get super emotional? It hits you right in the chest because you realize no one has asked you that in ages—or worse, you haven’t even asked yourself that question. And suddenly, all the stress, exhaustion, and feelings you’ve been shoving into the “I’ll deal with this later” folder comes rushing to the surface, and then, boom—here comes the ugly cry. The kind you didn’t know was just sitting there waiting for permission to show up.?

It’s that rare moment when someone sees past the “I’m fine” auto-reply and actually touches the part of you that’s been holding it together with duct tape and sheer willpower. It’s not even about their words; it’s the intent. It’s like they’ve held up a mirror to remind you that you’re human, that you’re carrying way too much, and that it’s okay to not be okay.

If we, as Black women, don’t check on each other, who will? Nobody knows the realness better than we do. It’s time to change the narrative. If we’re all the strong friend, then it’s up to us to create a culture of care where we actively check in on one another with real intention and action.

How We Start Checking on Each Other

Here’s how we do better, starting now:

1. Check In With Each Other, Intentionally

Ask real questions:

• “I’ve noticed you’ve been juggling a lot at work lately. How are you feeling about everything?”
• “I know you were having trouble with this decision the last time we spoke, and I wanted to check in on you.”
• “You always show up for me—what can I do to support you this week?”
• “How are you, really?”

Be specific, be thoughtful, and don’t take “I’m fine” or “It is what it is” as an answer. Dig deeper. When you ask someone how they’re doing, let them know it’s safe to be honest.

Try saying:

• “I know it’s hard to talk about sometimes, but I’m here to listen if you need to vent.”
• “You don’t have to have it all together with me. What’s really going on?”

2. Take Initiative—Don’t Wait for Them to Ask

Strong friends rarely ask for help because they’re used to being the helpers. Flip the script and make space for them to be helped. Show up without being asked. Check in with a text. Drop off their favorite coffee. Send them a playlist or a funny meme just to say, “I see you, and I care.”

3. Normalize Rest?

If we want to shift this culture of praising strength at all costs, we have to normalize rest, ease, and vulnerability. Celebrate when your friends take a day off or cancel plans because they’re overwhelmed. Encourage each other to let go of the “strong friend” persona every once in a while.

For the Strong Friend: Let People In

We have to meet each other halfway. I know it feels foreign, but asking for help and showing vulnerability is how we heal. Start practicing letting your guard down:

• Say yes when someone offers help, even if it feels uncomfortable.
• Practice asking for help more. Ok, ok we know you can do it on your own but ask anyway.
• Share how you’re really feeling with someone you trust.

Being witnessed, understood, and held is revolutionary for Black women. It’s an antidote to the isolation that comes with being the strong friend. It’s also a pathway to liberation. When we allow ourselves to lean on others, we break free from the harmful narratives that tell us we must always do it alone.

As we move toward the end of the year, I encourage you to take stock of your relationships. Whether you are the strong friend or someone who loves one, let’s prioritize creating spaces where vulnerability is celebrated and mutual care is the norm.

Purpose to Practice?

• If someone asked you, “No, for real, how are you?” right now, what would your honest answer be?
• What boundaries or practices can you implement to protect your energy while still showing up for others?
• How can we intentionally build a culture of care within our circles? What might that look like in action?

Announcement

The Dreaming + Doing Digest is taking a well-deserved pause through December and will return in January 2025. During this time, we’ll be hibernating—unplugging from the chaos, taking a break from politics, wandering through the woods, experimenting with new recipes, baking gourmet dog treats for the one and only Queenie (who clearly runs the show), and simply reclaiming what it means to be human after a wildly busy 2024.

While I’ll be cutting back my time on social media, the heart of my work continues over on my paid channel. Premium subscribers will still have access to exclusive content, including prompts, reflection notes, personalized career readings, and my candid musings on career liberation and dreaming on purpose.

If you’ve been rocking with me, now’s the perfect time to join the premium community and stay connected during the break.?Subscribe now.

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We are a social justice career company dedicated to the liberation of Black professional millennial women. This means that after twenty years in your career, you're tired of the corporate bullshit and ready to pave a new way forward. Our careers are vessels for self-discovery, healing, and collective liberation. Currently accepting Advice Call clients for 2025.