Check first, then say

Vivian and I were enjoying our coffee while talking about our book on the topic of thinking. Once we got the outline completed, she went on and started her research. I left the table to give her quiet time and took a walk to enjoy the beauty at the Hyatt Regency resort. The weather was not too good, but it was sure better than couple days before. It felt better to see the sun after so many raining days. On the way to the beach, my mind brought me back to a story that happened the day before.

Mia Coffee is a beautiful coffee shop just two minutes away from my home by walking and is one of a few favorite places I really enjoy spending time at. It is just at the right size, not too big but also not too small. Their typical customers are thirty-five years old and above, mainly teachers, senior employees, and retirees. So, on a normal day the environment here is perfect for me: very quiet. But it wasn’t like that last afternoon. I was working on my article, and I couldn’t focus. There was two people sitting next to my table and by their conversation, I assumed the elder one was the boss, and the younger one was his employee who is in her college age. He literally yelled at her because she couldn’t close the deal. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was how he belittled her. And here was exactly what he said: “Why wasting your time going to university? I am not the one going to college, but I have been hiring many people like you to work for me.” And that bothered me!

Almost twenty years ago, another person told me those almost exact words. I was an international student, so I didn’t have many job options. I worked in a restaurant called Pho Than Brothers located on Broadway Street in Seattle. It was a family-owned business with few branches, and that Broadway one is the most crowded place. We worked under the supervision of the owner. For the half the time he was a very good person, the other half was so awful. When he was not in a good mood, he would say things that really mean to you. No one wanted to be around him during such time. Unfortunately, I was in that situation.

For few weeks, we didn’t have many customers like we used to and that frustrated him. It was summertime, and it was hot, so Pho wasn’t a preferred option for people. Seeing the business going quiet day after day, he was not happy. Do you want to guess who would he release his anger on? His staff. I was new, and I was naive. My family has been running businesses for many years, so I know how it feels when business is not running well. I sat next to him that Thursday afternoon and tried to give him some words of comfort. It was a poor choice because it opened the door for him to release his negative feelings on me. It was ok until he told me: “People like you wasting money and time going to school for what then end up working for me?” It hit me hard and here was what I responded to him. I said, “You must have forgotten how you came to this country. Your success didn’t grow from tree. Did you remember how people helped you and uplifted you back then? You are now having a chance to give back and to help others. Giving us a job to feed our family is good but giving words that builds hope and positive future is also good. That’s the choice you can make always. If you keep this mentality and look down on others, we will one day travel the world with what we do while you and your next generations will just sit here in this restaurant and dreaming about the world out there.”

I was harsh on him on those last sentence, and over years I kept thinking about it. It wasn’t a very positive one and I wish I could have said differently. However, it turns out exactly what I said. Each of his family members is now in charge of a branch, but the world outside of the US is totally new to them. Their worlds are within their restaurants unfortunately. ?

Words can hurt, and words can help. But words don’t come out of thin air too. They come out of our month which means we can decide what we will say, when is best to say it, where is proper, and how to make the most effective outcome out of it. That power lies within us. What we need to have a moment of checking. Here is a quick tip for you. Before you are about to say something to someone, ask the following question: What is my intention here? If the intention is bad, zip it. If the intention is good, check whether our words are inspiring, kind, necessary, and helpful, or not. When you have such moment of checking, you will be surprised how often you will change your ways of talking, and your words of using. And that’s for good. For your own good and for the good of others.

Our question for you in this week’s article: “How would you give yourself that moment of checking before you are saying something to others?”