To Cheat or Not to Cheat, that is the Question?

I find this topic fascinating.

Cheating comes in many forms and contexts. You can cheat on a test or an assignment. You can cheat on your taxes; although not advised, you can be very skilled at tax evasion, that is, Cool.

We are permitted “Cheat Sheets” for some classes when there is so much content to remember, that’s allowed, so it’s not cheating, now is it. If you are permitted, then it is not cheating. We need to come up with a different name for “Cheat Sheets,” maybe, “Permitted Sheets.” That doesn’t sound very fun, “Permitted Sheets.”

Now, the big CHEATING, for which we all came to read about, is in our personal relationships.

Monogamy, what a scary word for some people, is your eye starting to twitch, your skin needs some scratching?  

So what is Monogamy?

Well, let us see, there are a few definitions.

1.      The practice or state of being married to one person at a time

Cool. I will share it with you. I was married for 18 years, and I can say having One husband was more than enough. Two husbands would have been one too many. Ugh.

2.      The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner

One partner my whole life?

vs

One partner at a time?

3.      The HABIT of having only one mate at a time

Cool.

We went from partner to mate. Like “Good day, mate.” Or buddy or pal.

I also find it curious about the word HABIT instead of a partner. Is it a good habit, a bad one or just a value that you have determined that is right for you?

In all of the definitions of monogamy, where is the word Love? The practice or state of being married to one person that you LOVE. The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner that you LOVE. The habit of having only one mate at a time that you LOVE.

How sad, where did the LOVE go?

This notation that we are hard wire NOT to be monogamous is just an excuse for men/women to cheat on their partner/spouse or Mate. It is like a hall pass or a cheat sheet. We, humans, are an evolved species, I guess. We don’t need to populate the plant in the same way our ancestors did. We are not Neanderthals, with our hands scraping the earth in search of fire.

Why do I feel that? 

Because the word Love is missing from the very definition of monogamy. Although the word sex does appear, the two are not synonymous, we like to think they are the same, but they are not. Sex is just a physical action that anyone can perform. Love is a whole other thing; love confuses us. Love is challenging to define, and love is singular, and yet it is the very foundation of monogamy. Love is the ability to accept yourself to accept another in every way. Love is the ability to have honest conversations about who you are and who you are not. Love is the ability to be. Love is the ability to be emotionally available to another person, without any judgment, biases, or conditions. Love, as you can see, it is not easy to come by; when sex is so readily available, love is harder to find, that is why it is not part of the definition of monogamy. To keep it in context, when you think of the word monogamy, add love to the end of each description for clarity, honesty, and understanding.

There is so much more to this topic. We have the Ebb and Flow of relationship concept. Which I find interesting. Long-term relationships can have this notion of ebbing from your partner, then flowing back. The idea of ebbing is not a bad one, I guess, for me, it would be how far are you ebbing, and in what context? Are you ebbing your way into the arms (bed) of another? Well then, you have just ebbed way too far, and when you wish to flow back to your spouse or partner, you can create a lot of damage. That is not what the ebbing and flowing context to mean. The ebbing and flowing concept is we will find interest outside of our personal (partner/spouse) relationship. Like maybe you will be with your friends more, our if you have children and depending on their age, one spouse may be more focused on their needs (which I feel is a good thing) before a spouse. Going back to school, to achieve a goal, and complete your degree is flowing away from the relationship. Not to leave the relationship, but to strengthen it. Within all of these examples, the relationship is secure and has a solid foundation of support, encouragement, and understanding, not an insecure, neediness, if you will, to be better then, or you will leave me if you grow.

I believe in the Ebb and Flow of relationships within the context of “how far are you ebbing”? If you are ebbing to far and into the arms of another, well, then you might as well keep going, sweetheart. You are not the one for me.

Having the ability to communicate within a relationship is your greatest gift. Can you understand who you are and what you need vs what you want?

I believe in Love.

I believe in Monogamy.

The two are synonymous, even if the word LOVE is not in the definition.