Chatroom: The Relationship Litmus Test

Author’s note: Hello everyone! I'd like to introduce a new "pop-up" series with you. The Chatroom series will consist of simulated coaching conversations based on REAL questions by Room for Us community members. So far, I have collected a list of ~50 questions. I will continue to release these simulated chats throughout the year. The first question is related to last week's topic of setting boundaries and (re)creating social contracts with people. Let’s jump into the chatroom…

R: Can you talk about discernment in partnerships? How can you recognize relationships that are feeding your spiritual growth vs. those that create disharmony?

Phim: An important consideration I want to flag is that everything feeds your spiritual growth—and that sometimes, relationships that create disharmony make the best fertilizer for growth. That said, I would never encourage anyone to go out of their way to be in a spiritually-depleting relationship.

R: Fair. Can you still walk me through how you use your discernment in partnerships and relationships?

Phim: Let’s break your question into segments, starting with discernment. Practicing discernment requires radical honesty when making a decision about something or someone. Your discernment creates the weight of gravity in your reality. If you lack good discernment, everything will lead to a slippery slope.

R: I’ve noticed that I always regret caving into pressure and people-pleasing tendencies. But it’s as if I throw my own discernment or self-interest out the window.

Phim: 100%. You’re not alone. What I’ve found in my own life is that I tend to feel greater despair or frankly, even resentment, when I give up my freedom or my boundaries. Can you find it in your heart to forgive yourself?—as cheesy as that may sound? Are you capable of extending grace to yourself as a recovering people pleaser?

R: Yes. That term helps (recovering people pleaser).

Phim: Since we’re talking about relationship dynamics, let’s move on to the partnerships part of your question. Some quick thoughts below:

• Multiple studies have found that the quality of our friendships can significantly impact the quality of our lives—and our life expectancy rates. It is within our best interests to invest in quality friendships and relationships.
• I also think that the integrity and quality of a strong relationship depend on whether or not everyone shares equal amounts of accountability. Is everyone taking responsibility in holding themselves accountable for the relationship’s health? Or is someone carrying more weight?

R: I get this on my good days. But it’s hard on the tougher days.

Phim: Totally. And that’s why we need to land back on where we started with your original question, “How do we discern whether or not we are in healthy relationships?”

Let’s create a simple ecosystem framework to help answer this question. First, I want you to grab a sheet of paper and draw a chart with three columns. Label the columns with the following titles: Forest, Trees and Fertilizer. Read the questions that accompany each title below. Write down your answers on your chart.

• Forest: Do I feel like I belong? Or do I feel like a deprioritized afterthought in my friends’ lives?
• Trees: When I reflect on my relationships on a 1:1 level, are there strong roots that lead to flourishing branches? In other words, do I feel grounded in each separate relationship? Does each relationship feature opportunities to grow and support one another? Or do I feel like my friendships lack deep roots, which leads to stunted growth?
• Fertilizer: Am I growing in my relationships because my friends pour love, care and attention into me? Or am I deteriorating in my relationships because the people I am investing in are pouring toxicity into me? *Toxicity may look like negligence, harmful bullying or abusive behaviors.

Once you’ve wrapped up your reflections, please give me a synthesized analysis of the health of your friendship ecosystem. Is it relatively healthy? Or do you see unhealthy patterns? *Feel welcome to include romantic partnership(s) in this chart as well.

R: It’s hard, to be honest—mainly because I know I won’t like what I see with some of these prompts.

Phim: You’ve already made progress just by showing up and being open about where you are right now. This goes back to wanting to get better at discerning things... you have to be radically honest.

R: What do I focus on after I’ve done the chart and the analysis?

Phim: Let’s focus on answering the second part of your question, “How can you recognize relationships that are feeding your spiritual growth vs. those that create disharmony?” — I want you to think about 1-3 of your most spiritually challenging friendships and partnerships.

R: Sure. I can write down those 3 names right now.

Phim: Great. Once you do, please draw a horizontal line beneath each name. We’re going to do pH audits.

R: Like in chemistry class?

Phim: Yes, but for relationship science purposes. Here’s the prompt:

Think about the acidity level of each of your relationships.

• The more acidic it is, the more toxicity there is (think: spiritually troubling, painful, anxiety-inducing, etc.).
• The more alkaline it is, the more spiritually exploratory it is (think: room for growth, discovery and enlightenment). Some friends will push and challenge you, which may make you uncomfortable, but that shouldn’t be an immediate red flag. If a friend chooses to respectfully challenge you because they believe in your potential—and it proves true—consider this friend an alkaline ally.
• Some relationships may also stay neutral and in the middle (think: surface-level relationships that neither lead to spiritual breakdowns nor spiritual ascendence).

R: Wow. I’m going to need a minute to work on this.

Phim: Totally okay. Take your time. If you find that you get stuck, check in with your body. This is why somatic therapy is so helpful. We need to listen to our bodies and our gut feelings.

R: Now that I’ve completed this exercise, I have a more refined sense of how to think through these things.

Phim: I’m glad these frameworks were helpful. Relationships can feel messy and heavy—in a way where everything feels entangled. I hope these exercises can help you isolate whatever needs to be isolated.

R: You also have a holistic healing practice. Is this how you’d answer this if one of your holistic healing clients asked you the question?

Phim: I’d most likely focus more on energy work with them. I’d ask them to consider questions like the following…

• When you think about the people you spend your time with, which ones leave you feeling drained, vs. the ones that leave you feeling recharged?
• Do you ever notice feelings of panic, anxiety or fear with when you think of, or interact, with certain people?—even if they have never demonstrated any threatening behavior? In other words, have your spidey senses ever told you “We can’t explain it, but this person is not good for you?”

R: This goes back to the somatic therapies you mentioned earlier.

Phim: Yes. Somatic therapy, body scanning meditations… modalities that bring you back to your body can be beneficial. Something that helped me when I started my mindfulness journey was realizing that there is a reason why so many meditation teachers remind you to go back to your breath. Oftentimes, we forget to breathe when we are stressed or scared. The few breaths we can get in are short stacatto breaths, but those breaths are not as helpful as deep, long breaths (otherwise known as diaphragmatic breaths).

You will notice that your body relaxes with the people you feel safe with. You won't need to hold your breath when you're with someone you trust. Your body and your energy will tell you the truth.

R: My final question is what do you do if and when you realize you’re in a bad relationship?—especially one that is not spiritually nourishing?

Phim: If we were in a more extended coaching session, I would want to work with you more on this to understand how you’d answer this on your own. Since you’re asking for my direct opinion, what I’d say is that I’d recommend thinking about how to reinforce your boundaries, and how to recreate a social contract with that person.

R: What’s a social contract?

Phim: Social contracts are essentially the pacts we make with people about the nature of our relationships. Who is responsible for what? What mutual benefits and compromises need to be made to create a symbiotic dynamic?

R: Got it.

Phim: If you know that the person you have in mind will not respect your boundaries or request to rewrite a social contract, then I recommend distancing from them. I know it is easier said than done, but you have to honor your own needs and your true path—and not everyone deserves to walk on that path with you. Not to mention, not everyone is capable of walking that path with you. This goes right back to where we started: discerning who should be on your journey with you.

Since we talked about how you are a recovering people pleaser, one final question you can use as a litmus test is “If my inner people pleaser didn’t exist, would I still allow this person to be in my life? Why or why not?”

R: Thanks for this advice, and for sharing your thoughts.

Phim: Thank you for asking. It was a pleasure. I look forward to our next coaching session.

Thank you for reading my latest weekly blog. Visit my website to learn more about my transformational life and career coaching services.

Special spotlight: My Study Room program consists of 4 120-minute life planning sessions focused on creating a bespoke annual and quarterly plan for your personal and professional goals. We will check in every quarter to keep you accountable and on track with your goals. Each session will be facilitated with agile and design thinking methodologies. Offering includes a custom Notion page with documented meeting notes and resources.

Featured image taken by Amanda Gann